Friday, October 9, 2009

Thoughts on time

It's been 4 weeks since we lost our baby.  I've been un-pregnant longer than I knew I was pregnant.  I feel better than I did 4 weeks ago.  The first few days were terrible, but I'm doing much better now.  I still cry every day, only now its just a little bit rather than huge racking sobs like the first week or so.  I still listen to my wallowing music all the time.  For some reason it makes me feel better to reconnect with what I had and what I lost by listening to that music.

I'm caught in a space between hope and fear.  I am working really hard to get in shape and lose weight.  I've lost all my pregnancy weight and IVF weight, and I'm working on the regular old food weight now. I think that the ability to focus on this project is distracting me from the fear of IVF failure and the sadness at losing the baby.  I'll take what I can get.  I'm starting to feel more like myself, and that is making me happy.  At the same time, I would give anything to have been able to keep my pregnancy.

I feel like a different person since the pregnancy.  It feels like it changed me so much.  Which must seem silly since it was here and gone so fast.

In other news, I am fortunate to have IVF coverage through my insurance.  I have 2 more cycles on my insurance.  Well, I just found out today that my husband's insurance covers 6 IVF cycles in a life time.  They even would cover the costs of a donor cycle (which is insane!).  I have to go through the details, but there is a good chance that I'd be able to get 4 more IVF cycles.  Including a potential donor egg cycle if it turns out that my eggs are truly crap.  I have until Thursday to figure the whole thing out.  This potential gives me so much relief, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

8 comments:

  1. Sweetie, I too have jumped into another porject to distract me a bit from what I've lost. You did get preganant and it'll happen again, you will not need all that covearage, although it's nice to know it's there. Just in case. Much love, Fran

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  2. That's great news about the insurance, once you figure that out it's one less thing to worry about (since there is so much else out there to worry about).

    I also need to work on my fitness while waiting for the next round of treatments but can't seem to get myself off the couch. What motivates you get off the couch and doing?

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  3. Err, that should be TO get off the couch...

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  4. I know what you mean about trying to find distractions. I've been doing the same thing since my recent loss. And also know what you mean about the crying. I never knew I had so many tears in me. Good luck with the weight loss. I'm working on the same thing.

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  5. The insurance thing is awesome!!! I hope it works out and way to go with the weight loss! I hope that each day continues to get better for you and that you are able to stay focused on your goals.

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  6. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

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  7. congrats on the weight loss so far! It is so hard to watch the weight during this whole process.....but YAY!! for your insurance, what great news!

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  8. You are really lucky you have that insurance, and the other comments are right, you won't need to use all of it!

    I have an award waiting for you on my blog!

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