It's been 4 weeks since we lost our baby. I've been un-pregnant longer than I knew I was pregnant. I feel better than I did 4 weeks ago. The first few days were terrible, but I'm doing much better now. I still cry every day, only now its just a little bit rather than huge racking sobs like the first week or so. I still listen to my wallowing music all the time. For some reason it makes me feel better to reconnect with what I had and what I lost by listening to that music.
I'm caught in a space between hope and fear. I am working really hard to get in shape and lose weight. I've lost all my pregnancy weight and IVF weight, and I'm working on the regular old food weight now. I think that the ability to focus on this project is distracting me from the fear of IVF failure and the sadness at losing the baby. I'll take what I can get. I'm starting to feel more like myself, and that is making me happy. At the same time, I would give anything to have been able to keep my pregnancy.
I feel like a different person since the pregnancy. It feels like it changed me so much. Which must seem silly since it was here and gone so fast.
In other news, I am fortunate to have IVF coverage through my insurance. I have 2 more cycles on my insurance. Well, I just found out today that my husband's insurance covers 6 IVF cycles in a life time. They even would cover the costs of a donor cycle (which is insane!). I have to go through the details, but there is a good chance that I'd be able to get 4 more IVF cycles. Including a potential donor egg cycle if it turns out that my eggs are truly crap. I have until Thursday to figure the whole thing out. This potential gives me so much relief, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.