I had the classic infertile experience today. Somehow I ended up talking to this girl at work about my infertility. She hadn't heard any of my story before, so I ended up telling her a bit about the infertility experiences and the miscarriage as well as our thoughts that we might consider adoption if our next two IVF cycles aren't successful.
She responded with a bunch of God stuff and then she said it. She said we'd be good parents no matter if our child was natural or adopted. Then she said, "If you adopt, you'll probably get pregnant right away, just like Charlotte in Sex and the City!"
Ok, really, there are a few things wrong with this. First of all, I object to the word "natural." Natural or adopted is just a bit offensive. Then, she really had to go with the once you adopt you'll get pregnant line. How is it that people think this statement is helpful or supportive? It's just offensive to me and minimizes all the pain of IVF and infertility and reduces getting pregnant to "magic" (which it kind of is. But wishing it hard enough, unfortunately, doesn't make it happen). And, it minimizes the decision to adopt. If I do decide to adopt, I hope I am at a point where I've put my dreams of getting pregnant and delivering a baby to rest. I hope that I'm not adopting so that I'll get pregnant.
I replied to her that the adopt to get pregnant is an urban legend and that in my world things are a bit more complicated. She didn't say anything back.
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I'm glad you had the courage to respond to her. So many wouldn't have!
ReplyDeleteFWIW...I agree with everything you said, 100%!
UGH! That is so annoying! I'm even concerned about getting pregnant on our own after this baby because of comments people might say! If only everyone was educated on the subject.
ReplyDeleteI'm embarrassed to say I remember saying obnoxious things like that, before IF. I was ignorant and just wanted to say something hopeful about a situation I didn't understand.
ReplyDeleteThey have no idea of how frustrating IF can be. It is ignorance, pure and simple.
Unfortunately, people that don't understand say things like that. Good for you for responding in that way. Also, good for you that you were able to talk to someone so openly about your recent experiences.
ReplyDeleteI agree, I think it's impossible for someone to understand unless they have lived with IF. So that means their comments, although often well meaning, can be ignorant and insensitive to our infertile ears.
ReplyDeleteFair play to you for answering back! Unfortunately most people just don't understand and don't really know what to say, but I do think she meant well. Much love, Fran
ReplyDelete(ICLW)
I'm glad that you responded to her. Although I'm a big Sex in the City fan, I was so angry at how they handled infertility in that movie! It's just more media coverage to keep an urban legend living (sigh).
ReplyDeleteThank you for saying something to her. "Adopt then you will get pregnant" is one of my least favorite comments and one I've unfortunately heard too many times.
ReplyDeleteAll the best!
So sorry that you had to deal with that and for your recent loss. ICLW
ReplyDeleteIt's both fortunate and unfortunate that people don't "get it" unless they've been through it. It must be blissful to have pregnancy come so easy though.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny though. While I'm putting 100% of my energy into adopting and, aside from being aware of my ovulations, 0% into trying to conceive, it's so hard to cut that idea out of your head and heart after trying for so long. But I do absolutely agree with you.
She probably thought she was ending the conversation on a light or humorous note. Ah, the obliviousness of the fertile.
ReplyDeleteugh! i can't tell you how many urban legend stories i've been hearing lately. it makes me want to scream!
ReplyDeleteUgh! Let me just say that this isn't the first post like this I've commented on this ICLW! People and their ignorance can be extrememly irritating, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. Luckily you weren't all hormonal at the time, that could have been bad! lol
ReplyDeleteHappy ICLW!
I HATE that too and seem to run into it alot. I either ignore it, say what you did or tell them that less than 3% of people who adopt get pregnant afterwards so it only seems like it happens alot. Throwing statistics around always shuts people up.
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting my blog by the way!