Sunday, October 4, 2009

Ups and Downs

I had a pretty good weekend.  Last night, M and I were watching Law and Order: SVU, and I made a joke about something and we both started laughing out loud.  Then, I stopped.  I remembered that I lost my baby, and I stopped.  I feel guilty almost for being happy, even though I feel I am forever changed from having been pregnant and miscarried.  I had a hard time sleeping last night.

Sundays are hard.  I don't have many obligations typically on Sundays other than to get my shit together for the next week, clean my house, and do errands and chores.  I'm usually busy, but there is a fair amount of unstructured activity.  It's hard. 

It's been 3 weeks and 2 days since I miscarried.  I miscarried at 7w3d, which means I only knew I was pregnant for 3w3d before I lost the baby.  This week we'll tip towards having been not pregnant longer than I was pregnant.  It was such a short time, but I still feel the loss so acutely.

I am going to take some time today to plan some goals for myself for this week.  I've thrown myself into diet and exercise, so that should help.  But, I need a project to do after work.  I find myself drawn to the internet to (1) read blogs about people who have experienced pregnancy loss and are now pregnant, (2) to enter search terms into Pubmed to try and do my own research on my future IVF protocol, (3) Googling my doctor's name with the hope of finding stories about how he created miracles from crap.  I'm trying to research this to death as if something I find will make all the difference.  This isn't a normal problem.  I can't fix it by knowing the facts.  I can do everything right; my doctor can do everything right; and we can still not end up with a baby out of all this heart ache.  So, I need a project.  Maybe a few of them. I need something to dive into and lose myself in.  I'm open to suggestions. 


  1. Nothing can make up for the loss you have experienced, but it is great that you are trying to move ahead. You are in my thoughts! {HUGS}

  2. It's 3w4d since I found out my Peanut had no heartbeat and I feel guilty every time I catch myself feeling happier than I feel like I should. I think it's a very normal part of grieving, particularly in the case of miscarriage. We were their mommies, how dare we be laughing so soon after they left us? But, really, there's not alot to do but soldier on, try to educate yourself and feel proud of yourself for being a strong person, your future Peanuts will need that.

    Have you looked into the Estrogen Priming Protocol?

  3. I wish I had a suggestion but I'm in the same place. Car rides are the worst. Too much time to think. I have new yarn coming tomorrow to start an actual 'project', but it's ridiculous because I have plenty to do for my actual job- I'm way behind in my grading but can't bring myself to sit down and do it.


    Tonight I'm angry. Why the F can so many people around me get pregnant and carry a baby with ease, and I'm still sitting here without???? Without AGAIN.

    Damn it.