Thursday, February 25, 2010

Healing and contemplating the adoption option

I've been pretty ok since my big disappointment last week.  Surprisingly, I"m not sad just disappointed.  I'm still living in the faith that I will be a mom one day, one way.  My husband and I spent some time this weekend reconnecting and contemplating our options.  I've jumped right back on the Weight Watchers and exercise bandwagon.  I think I just need Dr. B to call me every couple of months and tell me to lose weight in his calming and non-judgemental way.  I swear, nothing gets me on program like someone telling me that I need to lose weight in order to have a baby!  

We've been seriously contemplating the adoption option.  Seriously to the point where I think that might be our next step.  I've been researching programs and agencies and starting to make a financial plan to make it happen.  My family has been awesome.  I have two brothers and a sister (and a mom and dad).  My siblings are all married as well.  I didn't want to have to retell my story to all 8 of them, so I talked to my Mom, Dad, and sister and sent a mass e-mail to the rest of the gang telling them what happened and asking them to think about and open their hearts to the possibility that their niece or nephew may be adopted and of a different race than they are.  Each of them sent me a wonderfully supportive e-mail.  They all expressed that they would love our child no matter what.  I cried (and my Mom cried because, naturally, they all hit "reply all" when they responded!). 

Additionally, my Mom and Dad have given us a wonderful gift.  Mom has said that if we adopt she would volunteer to provide childcare for the first year.  The savings in the alone would help us pay for half of the adoption.  This is pretty amazing for her to do.  I would never ask or expect that my Mom babysit - she has her own life.  But, if she did this for us, it would make the adoption option so much more feasible.

So, now I'm obsessed with researching adoption.  This weekend, my husband and I plan on making a financial plan to be able to afford the cash layout needed for adoption and hopefully we'll schedule an informational meeting with an agency or two.

I am struggling a bit with feeling at lose ends and not having anything to look forward to.  I was like this after my first failed IVF last summer.  So, I'm working on coming up with some personal goals to help myself move forward - books to read, knitting challenges, home projects, etc.  It helps me mentally to have goals and a way to mark the time.

I'll keep you posted.  I haven't ruled out pursuing IVF again.  I'm not sure if we'll do that this summer, or if we will go full steam ahead on adoption and "reserve" IVF for an attempt at a second child.  We shall see.


  1. I'm glad that you and your husband were able to talk and spend time together and consider what your next step is. How nice of your mom to offer the child care option also.

    Let us know what you find out in your research.

  2. You know, we are also pursuing adoption, but in Ireland it's a matter of at least 4 years before you hold a child. I dream about being a US-citizen at times and go down the adoption route and have a baby within a year...but nope we can't do that. it's so frustrating. Plus, we have to commit to adoption 6 months before beginning the adoption course (three years before holding a baby in your arms)...we'll both be parents one way or another. I'm thinking of you and totally support you in your decision. Fran

  3. Glad to hear that your family is all supportive of you!!

  4. Wonderful support from your family. Praying that whatever you decide to do, you feel peace.

  5. So glad your family is being so supportive. We are also looking into adoption. We haven't even talked to my husband's family about it because they tend to blab everything to all their friends and at this point we don't need that. We are just praying for guidance. Will pray for you as you make some decisions.

  6. Don't forget to look into the Federal adoption tax credit. That is the only reason we can afford starting the process right now. (Our two out-of-pocket IVFs were a blow to our finances.)

    Also, there are agencies out there that offer scholarships. Many of them require a "faith statement." I don't know enough about you if your beliefs would work with that or not. But if so, it's definitely something to consider. If this isn't an option for you (it's not for us) than look for agencies that partner with the Dave Thomas or other foundations. If their operating costs are absorbed by things other than the placement fee it is much less expensive.

    There are also some agencies that work with the foster care system. Our agency places newborns and near-newborns. It's a ton of extra paperwork and training but if we are placed from the foster system, it will be "free."

    Though "free" means no placement fee. We will still have paid about $3500 for the homestudy/application and another $1000 for the finalization. All that will return in a tax credit. But we are probably going to spend about $5,000-$10,000 to fix things around our old house because even though they probably won't make much of a difference in a child, those are the rules of foster care. You also need to be ready to spend more in healthcare/therapies and expect these costs to exceed any foster stipend. Your insurance may or may not help with these costs. The latter costs do not come back as a tax credit and it makes me want to knee-cap people who claim that foster-adopting is "free."

  7. I'm so glad that you are moving forward and have a new plan! Good luck with your weight loss. I'm thinking about you and praying for you. :-)

  8. You are so blessed to have such a sweet and supportive family! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  9. Amy - your in my thoughts and prayers. This post really touched me. Probably because it could be my own.

    Glad I'm not the only one on the weight watchers bandwagon with the last little ounce of hope.

    And I really dig the Mother's Day weekend get-away. I'm going to book my own. Thanks for the idea!