I went for monitoring this morning, and things did not work out as we had planned. Although my estrogen rose to 923, and I only had 4 follicles (21, 18, 14, 12). The nurse wanted me to come back tomorrow and then talk to one of the nurse about possible canceling if the response wasn't any better. I asked to talk to my doctor at that point. He wasn't in the clinic, but in his academic office. Dr. B called me back within 2 minutes. We talked about my response this cycle, and said he didn't know why it was so lousy - actual word usage. We discussed that I only had this last insurance paid cycle, and I didn't want to "waste" it. Therefore, he thought is best to scrap the cycle.
Dr. B and I talked a bit about future plans. I asked him his opinion on me waiting three months or so and working on losing weight in the mean time. He thought that was a good idea. I said to him that right now I know that I want to use the insurance-paid cycles that I have, and that I could physically and emotionally keep going through IVF until it worked, but at some point, when it becomes my own money, I need to figure out where to throw it. He agreed with me and said that I have other options. He said that you could also consider adoption. I can't tell you how much it touched me that he said that. To me, that was him acknowledging that I am choosing to work with his clinic and validating my option of adoption. I also said to him that he had always been very honest with me and that I'm sure he would tell me if he didn't think this would work. He responded that he thought it could work, and that I shouldn't give up hope, but that it was just a matter of figuring out the right protocol and time.
After talking to my husband and a few hours, I paged Dr. B. I don't think that is the normal protocol in contacting your doctor through the clinic, but he's been so nice about it before. He called me back in about 5 minutes. I asked him if I would ovulate on my own, and he said that I wouldn't. So, we talked about options and agreed that I could trigger tonight and try to get pregnant through the Baby Dance method. I'm not holding out much hope that this will work, especially with a combo of crappy eggs and crappy sperms, but why not. Of course, Dr. B had to caution that 4 eggs could equal 4 babies. To which I responded, "Really? Do we really think that will happen?" Of course, he said no. So, hubby is buying a bottle of wine or two and we're going to "be romantic" a bit this weekend.
I think I'm also going to really think about my options and what I need to do next. I'm going to make a new game plan for losing weight. I may sign up for a running race at the end of May as a goal to work towards. I may also reach out to a co-worker of my Dad's who has adopted three daughters from China. I think that in the next 3 months or so, M and I will need to figure out if we want to start down the path towards adoption now, and then possibly try IVF in a few years for a second child, or if we want to close one door before opening another. I'm not sure. We are at the point where we may age out of some international adoption programs for my husband. Additionally, I am approaching 34, and we all know what happens then with female fertility. A lot to think about coming up.
I'm sad. Really sad. My husband is sad too - probably more so than I've seen him after one of these disappointments. I think I will pull my baby loss necklace out of storage again and remember the life that once lived inside of me. I think I might also book a mini getaway over Mother's Day weekend.