During IVF #2, I was easily in the cautiously optimistic camp. I sought out statistics and used them to comfort myself with their soothing numbers and message. I would tell my self that the success rate of my clinic was, on average, above 50%. Therefore, it was likely that my IVF would be successful. Once I got pregnant, I comforted myself by saying that the chances that I would carry the baby to term were very high. Chances were that things would work out ok. After I saw the heartbeat, I comforted myself with the statistics that said that once you saw the heartbeat the chances of miscarriage dropped way down.
I was clearly walking in the sunshine with a "half-full" glass. And, we all know how that worked out.
So, as I embark on IVF #3 tomorrow, I am trying to decide which camp to belong to this time. I know that no matter what I tell myself, my body is going to do what it wants. I know, that if I should get pregnant, not feeling the joy of it won't keep miscarriage away. Not sharing my happy new won't keep miscarriage away. Not knitting baby clothes, buying a few baby items, thinking of life as a mom, and celebrating the secret joy of having a life inside of me won't keep me from feeling the pain if that life should slip away. Life is short and pregnancy can be fleeting. If I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again, I don't want to waste what little time I might have being afraid. I want to celebrate while I can because I'd take the pain of miscarriage again just for the hope and opportunity to have a baby, even if I am never able to have one. It's worth it to me.
On the other hand, statistics may not be so comforting to me this time. I am trying a new protocol. Which, hopefully will improve my crappy fertilization rates. But, it might not. Dr. B has told me that my odds of miscarriage could be 50% or higher. Of course, this is a guess as we don't really know why I miscarried.
How do I balance this need to celebrate and be hopeful with this need to protect myself should I not get pregnant or should I miscarry? I need a game plan to keep it together.
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Good question. I'm a positive person and try to be optimistic, but it can be tough. I want to be positive, but guard my heart. It's so hard! I've just decided that I am going to be positive and believe the best will happen. I know there's a big risk that it won't and of course I will be crushed, but I want to enjoy it and believe that something good will happen. I want to go back to the days of being innocent and believe I will be pregnant. I want to hope. So I say...just do it....just believe and hope. I'll hope right along with you. :)
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for all that you have been through! What I try to follow is hope for the best but always keep in the back of my mind what can happen so I can prepare and not be completed crushed if something happens! I wish that IF did not do this to us and I too would love to go back to being innocent! I wish you the best with your upcoming IVF! Lots of ++ thoughts to you!
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking the same thing lately. For me, it's hard to be optimistic when history keeps repeating itself (miscarriages).
ReplyDeleteI think cautiously optimistic is good. I hope and pray that you will have a successful cycle!!
Hoping and praying right along with you, girl! It's so hard to find the balance of staying positive, but at the same time guarding your heart. I just recently allowed myself to be positive about this cycle we're in.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could help and tell you what to do but I have no idea :/ It's a lot easier to be hopeful and positive for someone else than it is for yourself so I'm sending lots of hopeful, positive thoughts your way! *hug*
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to let you know that I am keeping my fingers crossed and praying for you! {HUGS}
ReplyDeleteCelebrate each moment. It is all a miracle. Enjoy the IVF day, enjoy the Yes ur pregnant call, enjoy all the moments amiga. That is all we can do. I am praying for many good things for you, for all of us. Lizy in VERY SNOWY Chicago.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I have an answer...I'm trying to be positive and optimistic on our outcome this time, it started very well, it peaked horribly at ER and then went up again. Should I expect a negative peak to follow the trend? Ah well, let's hope not and be ready with a contingency plan if I have to face an unwanted reality. Fran
ReplyDeleteThere are so many people who understand exactly the position you are in. When we found out we were pregnant this time, it was so hard to convince myself that it was real and I might actually be holding a baby in my arms after 10 months. I don't know that it really sank in until I could start to feel him move around (at 24+ weeks). Just try to stay as positive as you can, and we'll all be here to support you along the way!
ReplyDeleteI am right there with you. It's so hard to stay positive when you have experienced the negative side of all this. I hope you find the right balance!
ReplyDeleteGL with #3, that's the one that worked for me! And for us long-timers IFers and loss survivors, it's a balance the whole way through. You just have to believe that THIS time, it'll work. One of these times it will. I have a hard enough time believing it myself, but try to enjoy some of the journey so that when it is the one that works, you didn't spend the whole time worrying.
ReplyDeleteThis is a most vulnerable state of mind. Game plans usually get thrown out of the window considering all of the hormones and grief swirling around. If you ever want to chat about this - email me at nancyhaigh@yahoo.com. Are you getting assisted hatching with this IVF? Hugs xo
ReplyDeleteI dunno. Why do some of us decide to keep going, and why do some of us call it quits when we've reached the same point in the journey (outside of financial concerns)? Somehow I have a feeling it's all related.
ReplyDeleteEven if you find you can't be positive for yourself - keep us in the loop and we will send you as many good, healthy, positive vibes as you can stand.
I don't think there is an answer on balancing between being hopeful/celebratory and trying to protect yourself. You must follow what your heart tells you to do. There will be moments where you will be so elated, and you MUST try to soak all that positiveness in! There will be other moments where you are scared and don't want to get hurt. At those times, remind yourself that life is so fragile and try to bring yourself to a more positive place (if you can). I am so sorry that you are having to go through with this again. Thinking of you.
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