During IVF #2, I was easily in the cautiously optimistic camp. I sought out statistics and used them to comfort myself with their soothing numbers and message. I would tell my self that the success rate of my clinic was, on average, above 50%. Therefore, it was likely that my IVF would be successful. Once I got pregnant, I comforted myself by saying that the chances that I would carry the baby to term were very high. Chances were that things would work out ok. After I saw the heartbeat, I comforted myself with the statistics that said that once you saw the heartbeat the chances of miscarriage dropped way down.
I was clearly walking in the sunshine with a "half-full" glass. And, we all know how that worked out.
So, as I embark on IVF #3 tomorrow, I am trying to decide which camp to belong to this time. I know that no matter what I tell myself, my body is going to do what it wants. I know, that if I should get pregnant, not feeling the joy of it won't keep miscarriage away. Not sharing my happy new won't keep miscarriage away. Not knitting baby clothes, buying a few baby items, thinking of life as a mom, and celebrating the secret joy of having a life inside of me won't keep me from feeling the pain if that life should slip away. Life is short and pregnancy can be fleeting. If I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again, I don't want to waste what little time I might have being afraid. I want to celebrate while I can because I'd take the pain of miscarriage again just for the hope and opportunity to have a baby, even if I am never able to have one. It's worth it to me.
On the other hand, statistics may not be so comforting to me this time. I am trying a new protocol. Which, hopefully will improve my crappy fertilization rates. But, it might not. Dr. B has told me that my odds of miscarriage could be 50% or higher. Of course, this is a guess as we don't really know why I miscarried.
How do I balance this need to celebrate and be hopeful with this need to protect myself should I not get pregnant or should I miscarry? I need a game plan to keep it together.