Friday, February 19, 2010

Day 8 - Busted Cycle

I went for monitoring this morning, and things did not work out as we had planned.  Although my estrogen rose to 923,  and I only had 4 follicles (21, 18, 14, 12).  The nurse wanted me to come back tomorrow and then talk to one of the nurse about possible canceling if the response wasn't any better.  I asked to talk to my doctor at that point.  He wasn't in the clinic, but in his academic office.  Dr. B called me back within 2 minutes.  We talked about my response this cycle, and said he didn't know why it was so lousy - actual word usage.  We discussed that I only had this last insurance paid cycle, and I didn't want to "waste" it.  Therefore, he thought is best to scrap the cycle. 

Dr. B and I talked a bit about future plans. I asked him his opinion on me waiting three months or so and working on losing weight in the mean time.  He thought that was a good idea.  I said to him that right now I know that I want to use the insurance-paid cycles that I have, and that I could physically and emotionally keep going through IVF until it worked, but at some point, when it becomes my own money, I need to figure out where to throw it.  He agreed with me and said that I have other options.  He said that you could also consider adoption.  I can't tell you how much it touched me that he said that.  To me, that was him acknowledging that I am choosing to work with his clinic and validating my option of adoption.  I also said to him that he had always been very honest with me and that I'm sure he would tell me if he didn't think this would work.  He responded that he thought it could work, and that I shouldn't give up hope, but that it was just a matter of figuring out the right protocol and time. 

After talking to my husband and a few hours, I paged Dr. B.  I don't think that is the normal protocol in contacting your doctor through the clinic, but he's been so nice about it before.  He called me back in about 5 minutes. I asked him if I would ovulate on my own, and he said that I wouldn't.  So, we talked about options and agreed that I could trigger tonight and try to get pregnant through the Baby Dance method.  I'm not holding out much hope that this will work, especially with a combo of crappy eggs and crappy sperms, but why not.  Of course, Dr. B had to caution that 4 eggs could equal 4 babies.  To which I responded, "Really?  Do we really think that will happen?"  Of course, he said no.  So, hubby is buying a bottle of wine or two and we're going to "be romantic" a bit this weekend.

I think I'm also going to really think about my options and what I need to do next.  I'm going to make a new game plan for losing weight.  I may sign up for a running race at the end of May as a goal to work towards.  I may also reach out to a co-worker of my Dad's who has adopted three daughters from China.  I think that in the next 3 months or so, M and I will need to figure out if we want to start down the path towards adoption now, and then possibly try IVF in a few years for a second child, or if we want to close one door before opening another. I'm not sure.  We are at the point where we may age out of some international adoption programs for my husband.  Additionally, I am approaching 34, and we all know what happens then with female fertility.  A lot to think about coming up.

I'm sad.  Really sad.  My husband is sad too - probably more so than I've seen him after one of these disappointments.  I think I will pull my baby loss necklace out of storage again and remember the life that once lived inside of me.  I think I might also book a mini getaway over Mother's Day weekend.

18 comments:

  1. Oh no. I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. (((HUGS)))

    Enjoy your time with DH this weekend. I'm so glad that the two of you can be there for each other.

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear about your cycle. I can certainly understand how disappointing this must be for both you and your DH. It sounds like you have a great perspective and an RE who cares.
    I am a big believer in trips to help us get through tough times. Start planning it now so you have something to focus on and be excited about.
    Take care of you.

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  3. I know how frustrating a cancelled cycle can be, especially when you've tried a new protocol. Of course, if I can say this without coming across braggy, that's what got me where I am now so I am very aware that the unexpected can happen and I hope it happens for you as well.

    But since there are no guarantees, FWIW I think you are also doing the right thing in looking forward. It's never easy, is it? ((hugs))

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear about this bad news. I know that it's tough to wait. Sounds like your RE is very compassionate and understanding, which is so needed in this position (or any time really).

    I have a guest post on my blog on nutrition and ivf you may want to check out. These were things that I was doing and not realizing the effect it would make. Hope it helps.

    Then again you may not need it if bd works for you :) I've got all my crossables crossed for you :)

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  5. Oh petal, I'm sorry it ended this way, but all is not lost yet, you may be one of the miracles that happen at times, I really hope you will. I know it may sound impossible that you may get pregnant in the "traditional" manner (I think once you cross the bridge of IVF it's like there's no other hope!) but you never know. I hear you on the getaway we tend to do the same. Sending you love and posiitve thoughts, Fran

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  6. Amy, I'm so, so sorry about the cancelled cycle and subsequent hard decisions to make. I have been through a cancelled cycle (after 11 days of stims) and it is a heartbreaking disapointment.

    If you decide you are up for another cycle, I will offer this. I was labeled a poor or "slow" responder to meds. Lupron way oversuppressed me and I was put on the antagonist cycle for the rest of my cycles. I did end up producing a large # of eggs subsequently, but it took about 600u of FSH per day. Basically the max dose my clinic will give. Adjusting protocols can really make a difference. I'll be thinking of you!

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  7. I'm really sorry :( *hug*

    I'm hopeful for you for the "old fashion" method though! C'mon, the myth of getting pregnant through sex has just got to be true!!

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  8. I'm sorry the cycle is a bust. I hope the romantic weekend results in something.

    I'm trying to plan my mother's day getaway too! Don't want to really be around here during that time.

    Best of luck. Sounds like you have a great dr.

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  9. I am so sorry. I will hope & pray that you are able to see success naturally! Hope you enjoy your romantic time. GL with deciding the best plan to move forward! Your dr sounds fantastic!

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  10. Oh, I am so, so sorry. :-( This makes me so sad for you and your husband. I am sending you lots of (((HUGS))) and will be praying that you're blessed with a miracle from this weekend.

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  11. I'm sorry to hear about your cycle. You seem to have somewhat of a plan though and I know how helpful that can be. Much hugs and love.

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  12. Im so sorry, I wish this cycle was a better one for you...keep hope and faith that you can do this again sometime, and that you have a possibility with baby dancing :) Your doc sounds so sweet - its great to have that support (HUGS) Sending baby dust and sticky vibes, Nan

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  13. I am so sorry, Amy! It's nice to have such a great dr.

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  14. I'm so sorry about your cancelled cycle.

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  15. I am so very sorry. This beyond stinks. I will be thinking about you.

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  16. I am so sorry that this cycle has been cancelled and all the other things that are going on. It is all so tough and difficult.

    I hope you had good luck with the bottle of wine and romantic weekend with the husband!! I think it's a great idea to plan a mini vacation over Mother's Day.

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  17. I am only just catching up on all your IVF#3 posts. I'm so sorry this cycle is working out this way and although it must be devastating to have to pull the pin on it you seem so strong about it. I admire your strength, I really hope you get a natural pregnancy miracle from this. You deserve it, I know 'deserving it' counts for nothing on this IF journey, but I hate that. It SHOULD count for something and I wish it did. Big hugs, I'm thinking of you.

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