Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Angry and Frustrated

Warning - there will be venting.  This isn't pretty folks.

There will be no miracle baby for me.  I got my period this morning.  I knew better than to think that I could get pregnant the old fashioned way. 

I am feeling very frustrated and angry today.  I want to scream and cry and stomp my feet and shout that this isn't fair.  And, it isn't fair.  I should be able to get pregnant like a normal human, but I can't.  Adoption seems so complicated - and unfair as well.  So far, I've discovered (or fear) that several options in adoption may be closed to us because we are too fat, or too crazy, or not religious enough, or too unwilling to move to Kazakhtan for 2 months.  If I ever hear anyone say "just adopt" again, I may pop them.

I feel frantic.  I feel like I NEED to find a solution RIGHT NOW.  I need some positive forward progress.  And, it all feels like too much right now.  The frenzy I feel is not good and makes me wonder if I'll have the strength for this long road ahead.  Google is just as bad when you are considering adoption as when you are frantically searching for the solution to your infertility problems. Sometimes I wonder if we would be better off childless, but then I want to cry.  Is it so much to ask to just be a mom?

I'm not sure what the right answer will be for us.  Right now, I want someone to tell me what it is so that I can take a deep breath.  And, I'm really hoping that some calm and clarity settle in soon and that at least some of this frenzy is related to the fact that I do have my period.

12 comments:

  1. Oh, sweetie. We have all been there. It's not fair...any of it. I'm sure some of your anger is because of CD1, but none of it is unwarranted. Others think it's so easy to "just adopt" because the media (and celebrities) make it look so easy. It can be just as hard if not harder than IF itself. There are as many ups and downs, as many let downs and as many uncertainties. I'm sorry you are feeling so down and I wish I had the answer for you...for all of us. It really sucks and if you need to cry, scream and stomp your feet, then by all means...have at it, girl. We will be here to vent to any time you need us. ((hugs))

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  2. Wandered over from Baby OCD...

    I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I do also wish someone else would just come in and tell us what to do and set it all up and it actually WORK.

    It really, really shouldn't be this hard. You have my sympathy.

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  3. I am so sorry hon! {HUGS}

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  4. I am so sorry you are having a rough time. I totally understand the feeling of not being like a "normal person". I can't seem to associate DTD with actually getting pregnant. It's all so complicated.... And adoption is totally complicated too, I did some searching on it before my IVF cycle last year. I did discover that some (FEW) companies give adoption support to their employees...

    (((((HUGS))))) You've got my prayers... CD1 is always hard, but harder still are the people that just don't get it and say dumb things thinking it's so easy....

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  5. So sorry, Amy! I wish I had a magic wand to make everything clear and happen right now. Wish I had one for myself too. You are not alone...not that it makes it easier, but there are others thinking about you and praying. I am one of them! :)

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  6. I'm so sorry. :-( Infertility just plain SUCKS! I truly hope that you find some peace and clarity on your next steps soon. I'm praying for you. Feel free to vent all you need...that's what our blogs are for!

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  7. Keep looking, there are adoption agencies who will work with you. Any agency receiving federal funding cannot discriminate due to religious status.

    I know I freaked out when I checked out the first round of agencies and they all thrust these faith statements at me. I mean, WOW! We thought of ourselves as progressive Christians and thought we would be mainstream. Nope. Apparently we are godless heretics who are ruining the world and will destroy the soul of any child.

    About the crazy part: You will probably need a letter from a current therapist explaining that you are a fit parent. They will not blink at anti-depression meds. Agencies that are more open to different religions tend to also respect you for getting help when you need it.

    From the pictures on your blog, you don't look much bigger than any people in our adoption training.

    I am sure there is an agency that will help you. But it probably won't be the most aggressive. It will take time so I can't help the "right now" though I can relate. It's a good thing hopelessness has set in for me because it's making me patient.

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  8. I am so sorry. it is just unfair, for all of us. I do hope you will have some positive news, some indication of what to do and what is the next step. Much love, Fran

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  9. I'm sorry, sweetie. Wish I had the answers. Praying that you find yours soon.

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  10. I am so sorry that you're going through this. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I nominated you for an award. Please check out my blog for the details.

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  11. I'm sorry you're having a rough day/week/year. Its hard (so hard) to see or imagine when things will be better when you are constantly hit with dissapointments. I hope you find some hope soon. xx hugs

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