During the holidays, I was able to spend time with my nieces and newphew and cousin's children. The 5 of them range in age from 10 days to almost 5 years old. I love how the older ones personalities are starting to develop. And, I love the younger ones who are just on the verge of being more verbal. And, the baby smell of my newborn niece. As I hugged them and held my niece, I tried to picture what it would be like, what it would feel like if I was holding or hugging my own child. It is so unimaginable for me. Will I ever have a 7 pound baby that's mine? Will I ever be able to look at a child and say, "Oh, she has my eyes"? Will I ever see my self or my husband or our families reflected back at me in my child?
I think that my IVF treatment in February is my last. I don't know for sure, but I feel like I've made the decision to move on if it doesn't work. I can't tell if this is self preservation, or a true decision. I don't know how I'll feel if my IVF isn't successful, but I'm trying this decision on for size right now. It is scary, but it feels ok. I'm hopeful (so hopeful) that things work out, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.
I'm starting to prepare my mind for adoption. I've started reasearching my options, and am starting to figure out how to pay for it (I think that Visa is a fine name for a child, don't you?). I think I have an agency, and I think I know what route I would take. I think. I know I won't be able to jump into that until I feel that I'm "done" with infertility treatments. And, I plan to schedule a WTF with Dr. B if this doesn't work out as well, just to find out why and what his opinion is on future chances for success.