Bittersweet

Today has been a bit of a mixed bag of emotions.  We went to see the Blind Side today, which has a foster / adopt theme.  It was such a sweet story. And, I found myself crying through movie.  Then, my brother and his wife gave birth to their second baby today.  She's an IVF baby as well, and I'm so happy to be an Aunt again, and so happy for my brother and sister-in-law to have an infertility happy ending (times 2 as they also have a IUI 4 yr old), and just happy that the baby is healthy.  Yet, I was crying while hearing the news.  I think they were partly happy tears, and partly tears at what might have been.  And then I had to stop in the hallway of the movie theater as sobs overcame me.  I pulled it together and walked out of the movie theater and went across the street to the grocery store to get something for dinner.  Then, my brother called me.  I was glad to talk to him, but struggled to keep my voice from quivering with my tears.  I feel wrung out a bit.  The baby is beautiful, and I love her already even though I haven't met her yet.  Tomorrow we will go to the hospital to see her, and I'm hoping I can keep it together.  This is a happy time, and it isn't about me. 

After my miscarriage, I made my husband promise me that he would make me a mom one day, one way.  I've been thinking recently about how that might happen.  I believe that I'll be a Mom one day, and I'm trying to stay hopeful that I might be able to give birth to a take home baby that is genetically mine.  However, I also know that the odds of that happening don't necessarily fall in my favor.  I recently learned that my insurance will likely only cover one more cycle, rather than the two I thought I'd still have.  So, my hope has dwindled a bit.

I know it will happen.  I believe I'll have someone to mother one day.  I have hope in that and I'm doing everything possible to make that happen - losing weight, following the the Fertility Diet, saving money so I have an adoption or donor egg fund (after my Hawaii trip, of course), and constantly working to boost myself up.