Aloha!

I am officially on vacation.  I'm at home today so that I can clean my house, do laundry, pack, take my dog and one of my cats to be boarded, and get my nails done.  The car comes for us tomorrow at 7am, and our flight leaves from O'Hare Airport at 10a.m.  I'll be in Hawaii tomorrow afternoon.

I am beyond excited about this trip.  I've wanted to go to Hawaii for 15 years - since I met my husband shortly after his Army stint in Hawaii.  In college, where I was a dietetics major (I am not in that field now), we ran a student restaurant, and all the students had to plan and serve a "theme" meal to paying customers.  My meal was a Hawaiian Luau.  I think that in speech class, I gave a speech about the Hawaiian Islands.  I've been thinking about this trip for years, and it has always been my dream vacation.

We'll be staying at Turtle Bay Resort for four nights, and the Hyatt Regency in Maui for 3 nights.  Our plans are to enjoy the islands, see the sun, kayak, snorkel, go see the volcano in Maui, and overall relax and reconnect.  And disconnect.  I'm hoping to stay off the internet, stay away from my e-mails, and step away from my "normal" life somewhat.  I need this trip, and I need to step away for a bit.

And, when I come back, we jump into IVF number 3.  My baseline ultrasound will be the Monday I return.  I'm hopeful about this cycle - which scares me.  I've always had it in my head that we would have children after we were able to go to Hawaii.  I'm so hopeful that this comes true.  As my husband says, through science or finance, we will have our family one day soon.

Finally Better!

After two weeks of being sick, I woke up this morning and finally felt a bit better.  I have only worked one full day this year, and have just been down for the count with some nasty virus.  I hit rock bottom on Thursday afternoon.  I was in so much pain.  My throat hurt so badly.  I was just miserable.  I went back to the doctor, and they told me that I could take much more pain medication than I had been taking.  I think that made the difference.  I was able to get past the pain and get some sleep which allowed me to finally start feeling better.  I can't tell you how good that feels!

I am planning on going to work tomorrow (weird!).  I don't even remember what that is like.  Today, I need to get myself together.  I'm a wreck.  My first mission is to get my nails done.  They look terrible!  So, I am determined to find a place to get a manicure today!  I also need to deal with my eyebrows.  Ugh!  I think I also need to replace some makeup after the illness, so that should be fun.  I need to keep myself from doing too much so that I don't relapse.

On the IVF front, I need to call my nurse on Monday and get her to order my medications.  I'll start my IVF cycle in February after my (much needed) vacation.  I am hopeful that maybe this will be successful.  If it is, I could end up with a baby by my husband's 40th birthday in November.  I can't imagine a better gift.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but I need to live in the light a little bit in order to have the courage to take this chance again.

One step forward, 5 steps back

I may have spoken too soon in my last post.  I knit on my sweater for a few hours on Sunday, but then realized that I put one of the sleeves on upside down.  So, I have to now unknit the sweater.  Err!!!  Oh well, I'd rather it be right and I'm glad I caught it now.  That would have been tragic if I hadn't noticed the mistake until much later.  I still have sweater love.

And, despite my energy on Sunday,  I'm still sick and feeling worse.  I went to the doctor yesterday and was diagnosed with having a virus.  They gave me some inhalers and cough medicine and sent me on my way.  This morning, I woke up with pink eye.  So, I'm heading back to the doctor.

I go to Hawaii in just over 2 weeks, so needless to say I'm totally freaked out that my husband will get sick.  So far, he's ok.  Hopefully that stays.

My boss is awesome.  She's letting me flex my time and work partial days or work from home to let me get better (and probably to protect the health of the rest of the staff as well.)

Fun with Yarn

I've been sick for the past 5 days.  I'm still under the weather a bit, but I finally found the idea medicine cocktail today and felt like I was miraculously cured.  It was AMAZING the difference I felt in such a short amount of time.  All of a sudden, I was overwhelmed with energy - I could breathe and talk again, I felt like getting up off the couch, I wanted to go outside, I wanted to do everything.  It felt so good to feel better.

So, after my husband talked me out of doing anything crazy, and after my failed attempt to get a manicure (I need it so bad too, but who would think that the salon would be closed on Sunday?), I decided to get crazy and dig out some knitting projects that have been languishing for a year plus.  It was so much fun to dig out the sweater I've been making for over a year, and see how close I am to being finished.  I sat on the couch and knit for about an hour.  I forgot how enjoyable it is to knit.  Now I'm re-enthused to dig into my knitting projects again.  What fun!

Back to Reality

The past week or so have been so busy, and so full of "events."  I'm happy to get back to reality tomorrow.  In addition to my new niece who was born mid December, my little brother just got married on Saturday.  It is crazy to think that me and my 3 siblings are all married - and even crazier that my little brother (ok, he's 27, so I guess not that little) is married.  As my sister and I were joking, he is forever 12 or 17 in our minds.  I feel like I should be tricking him into getting things from my bedroom and other errands rather than wishing him well on his wedding day!  He was pretty cute at the wedding too - he cried when he saw his wife walking up the aisle.  Neither my sister nor I were in the wedding, which seemed kind of weird.  But, it was ok to just be a guest too.  However, our husband's were in the wedding.  He had 7 groomsmen, and they were all pretty nice guys.  We had a fun time at the reception.

M. and I took a vacation day today and just spent time getting our house back in order and relaxing.  Tomorrow we are back at work and back in to real life again.  Thankfully, we are only 24 days away from our trip to Hawaii (not that I'm counting!).

In TTC news, I just started my period, and the pill.  I feel like shit, which is always fun.  I go for my ultrasound February 8th (I'm delaying IVF until after my trip, and also attempting to skip my next period lest I get it while on the beach. Poor planning on my part!) 

I need to get back on my weight loss program, which I've found myself struggling with recently with the holidays.  I've started to ease myself back into it today, and will be jumping right in tomorrow!

Baby Dreams

During the holidays, I was able to spend time with my nieces and newphew and cousin's children.  The 5 of them range in age from 10 days to almost 5 years old.  I love how the older ones personalities are starting to develop.  And, I love the younger ones who are just on the verge of being more verbal.  And, the baby smell of my newborn niece.  As I hugged them and held my niece, I tried to picture what it would be like, what it would feel like if I was holding or hugging my own child.  It is so unimaginable for me.  Will I ever have a 7 pound baby that's mine?  Will I ever be able to look at a child and say, "Oh, she has my eyes"?  Will I ever see my self or my husband or our families reflected back at me in my child?

I think that my IVF treatment in February is my last.  I don't know for sure, but I feel like I've made the decision to move on if it doesn't work.  I can't tell if this is self preservation, or a true decision.  I don't know how I'll feel if my IVF isn't successful, but I'm trying this decision on for size right now.  It is scary, but it feels ok.  I'm hopeful (so hopeful) that things work out, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. 

I'm starting to prepare my mind for adoption.   I've started reasearching my options, and am starting to figure out how to pay for it (I think that Visa is a fine name for a child, don't you?).  I think I have an agency, and I think I know what route I would take.  I think.  I know I won't be able to jump into that until I feel that I'm "done" with infertility treatments.  And, I plan to schedule a WTF with Dr. B if this doesn't work out as well, just to find out why and what his opinion is on future chances for success.

A Christmas Wish

This Christmas has been better than I anticipated so far.  I've enjoyed having time to spend with my family, holding my new niece for the first time, and having time to relax.  My sisters and brothers and I put on a Christmas skit last night for our extended family - complete with the girls wearing shirts that said "Ho."  It was silly and funny.  This morning, M and I had a quiet morning alone, and will host my Mom and Dad for dinner tonight.  Then, tomorrow we'll have Christmas with just my mom and dad and brothers, sisters, and nieces.

Despite the good times, Christmas lately makes me remember what I don't have.  Seeing my brother and his new baby, my cousins little boys, my nieces and nephew - makes me feel a little set apart. 

I have a wish for next Christmas.  Let me be experiencing the joys of new motherhood.  Or, let me be pregnant.  Or, let me be beginning the adoption or third party reproduction process.  Let me be one step closer to being a mom.

I wish the same to all of you still on this side of the infertility battle.  Thanks for all of the support and the community you've shown me this past year.  A year ago, I was just starting my quest to get pregnant with the help of my RE.  I was alone and lost.  A year later, I've been through the ringer with IF, but I've also found the ALI Community.  I've learned so much from all of you, and I'm thankful to not be alone on this journey.

Merry Christmas!