Friday, September 18, 2009

One week

One week ago, I woke up feeling good. Feeling full of energy, happiness, and life.

One week ago I was pregnant.

One week ago, I lost my baby.

I'm struggling right now. I didn't cry Friday or Saturday. I think I was too numb, and in too much physical shock to cry. Ever since Sunday, I've been crying. I sit in my office at work and cry. I cry myself to sleep. I went to bed last night feeling at peace, woke up the same way, and said to my husband that maybe I wouldn't cry today. 1 minute ago I just broke down and sobbed.

I miss my baby. I want him back.

I am scared for the future. How do you get the courage and hope needed to try this again?

I'm trying to move forward little by little. I've made my WTF appointment for 10/1. I made an appointment for the psychologist in the RE's office for next Wednesday. I am trying to focus on getting myself healthy. I've lost almost 10 pounds so far, and I'm planning on joining Weight Watchers on Sunday. I'm reading The Fertility Diet, and will try to incorporate some of those strategies into my plan. I've been walking my dog, trying to engage my mind, and making plans for the fall. My husband, my family, friends, and my boss have been incredibly wonderful and supportive. I am leaning on them quite heavily.

I still feel a bit of peace today. I know that time is healing. I know my baby is in Heaven right now. I know I have an Angel Baby, and that gives me comfort. I also know that God will bless me one day by allowing me to be a mommy. And, I know that my husband has promised to make that happen one way or the other.

I still miss my baby though, and probably always will.


  1. I don't have any great advice on how you work through this pain and sorrow, but it sounds like you're taking good steps. My heart aches for you, but I know you'll find your way through this and be a mommy one day. Sending lots of hugs.

  2. Oh sweety, this hurts so bad! I wish I could do something for you! No one deserves this! I am praying that your angel baby shows you the path to motherhood! Warm Hugs!

  3. Amy, as you know, you and I are going through the same thing at almost the same time. I, too, was OK for a few days and then dissolved into a mess. Besides the obvious emotional aspects of a loss, don't forget that your hormones are crashing also, 1000x worse than AF. Just take care of yourself and don't discount anything you're feeling.

    I also made my STBY appt with my RE for early October. It helps a little to get back on the horse and try to find an answer to these heartbreaking problems.

    P&PTs to you and DH.

  4. The only thing I can tell you is that it will take time to heal. You will start having more good days than bad. Just when you think that you are doing all better you will have another bad day. I wish I could tell you otherwise.

    A friend of mine had a m/c (as opposed to my ruptured ectopic which we knew the whole time I was pregnant something wasn't right). She told me that all of a sudden months after not thinking about what happened she found herself sobbing uncontrollably again. She called her dr and he told her that you body "remembers" the due date. It's almost as if it knows something is supposed to be happening. She was emotional the for about the month leading up to the date. She told me that after her due date passed she found that she thought about it rarely and when she did it wasn't the heavy sadness.

    I wish I could tell you that this will be an easier process, but make sure you give yourself time to grieve and make time for yourself. Know that all the feelings you are experiencing are normal.

    If you need anything, please let me know. I am thinking of you.

  5. My heart still just breaks for you. I hope that each passing day will bring more healing. I'm glad you have tons of support. I know that God has great plans for you and I hope that those plans are revealed soon.


  6. Been thinking about you and praying that you receive the strength and comfort you need and deserve these days.

    The first few weeks after my miscarriage were incredibly difficult, but I think you just go on because you have to. It's like Tom Hanks in that movie, how you keep telling yourself to breathe in and out until eventually you don't have to remember to breathe anymore.

    Much love and hugs.

  7. Oh sweet pea! Reading your post was like reading my own about 2.5 months ago when I lost my baby at 8w3d (IVF cycle #3) . . . I felt/feel the same way. I just wanted to still be pregnant . . . just wanted my baby to still be alive in my womb . . . I missed and still miss my baby. Give yourself time to feel all these emotions and go through the process of grieving. You are in my prayers and I'll be following your journey - we walk the same path and you are NOT alone! Hugs, Ali

  8. Arrived here from the crème de la crème list.

    I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard to pick up the pieces after a major setback like that. It's a good sign that you can look forward and plan ahead - without forgetting.