I'm empty and barren. Yesterday was very traumatic, but this morning, I can't even cry. I'm sad, but just feel - empty.
As I was getting ready for work yesterday, I started to feel cramps. I had to lay down while blow drying my hair. I went to the bathroom - and again, a huge flow of bright red blood. I finished getting dressed, and we decided that my husband would drive me to the clinic - which is near my office - and I'd go in and call when I was done.
They did an ultrasound, and there was my baby, heart beating away. He looked so much bigger than when I saw him on Tuesday. The doctor thought he saw a blood vessel nearby that was bleeding, and I was sent home. They told me that this was strange that it was so separate from the pregnancy, and that it sometimes happens, and that there was a good chance things would still be fine.
I didn't get very far as I started to feel light headed, so they put me in another room to lay down, they called my husband and had him come over, and they fed me some juice.
We went home, and things started to get dicey. Every 15 minutes I was bleeding through a thick pad, going to the bathroom, passing a clot, and then needed help to get to the couch. I called the doctor back, and he had me come back in. They weren't sure what they were going to do with me.
We drove back to the hospital. As we were trying to walk from the car, I almost passed out a couple of times. We had to stop and sit down. I finally got to the clinic and they took me back. My doctor didn't start with an ultrasound for some reason. I think he said that everything looked so good this morning, that they were looking for the source of bleeding.
He started off by putting pressure on my cervix - not fun. The bleeding didn't stop. My doctor was discussing admitting me at this point. I heard him discussing my case with the other attendings in the hallway. Two attendings came back in and did a doppler to look for sources of bleeding. They found a few, but then they also discovered that the baby was no longer there. That perfect little baby I saw this morning was gone.
They scheduled me for a D&C right there in the office. I'm empty.
My special little secret is gone. I'm not as devastated as I thought I'd be, but I am mourning all the hope I had for this baby. I'm trying to figure out how to move forward, and think that I need to take a break. I'm sure in the next weeks I'll make some decisions. I'll try IVF again as my insurance will pay for two more cycles.