The grief train has hit me like a ton of bricks today. I sat on the couch this morning sobbing hysterically. My dog, instead of being comforting, started barking at me. Awesome. My husband and I sat there together and held each other while we cried for our baby. That's how it's been off and on all day today.
We've been trying to figure out how to memorialize this pregnancy. I've purchased myself a pendant I found out etsy to remember a lost pregnancy and a super long chain so I can wear it close to my heart. I think I'm going to make a collage or something to keep in a private place with the few mementos that we have - the embryo picture prior to transfer and the picture from our 6 1/2 week ultrasound. I'm not sure what my husband is going to do.
I feel like I'm living in a horror show. Everything is such bullshit, and I don't care about anything. I so want to have a baby and I'm so afraid that I won't, but I need the hope right now. I was just at my parents for dinner, and my dad went on for 15 minutes about adoption. That almost killed me right now. I still see my baby, like I last saw him on the ultrasound on Friday morning.
I can't make any decisions right now. I can barely function today. I was proud of myself for showering. I'm taking off Monday and Tuesday for sure. Tomorrow I'm going to spend with my mom, and I'm hoping that's not a mistake.
I'm sure this is a very rambling post.