Friday, June 19, 2009

Who am I again?

We received our official infertility diagnosis in November by accident when my husband went for a regular medical check-up. His doc diagnosed him with varicocelle, but told him it wasn't that big a deal and they didn't want to treat it. I freaked and made him get back on the phone and ask them about having kids. Now, I was pissed - why would they not consider that as an issue for a married man under 40 - you'd think it would at least be a question. Anyway, sure enough, once they found out we were TTC, he was at the urologist faster than you can say spermatazoa. And, the rest is history.

From November through the end of May - when I had my egg retrieval (and unsuccessful fertilization - yeah!), I've been consumed by figuring out and beginning fertility treatments. Now, I'm in a lull between cycles, and I've suddenly felt totally disconnected from myself. The truth is, that I am probably depressed (Dr. Google says I have moderate severe depression, but I'm guessing that many of us in IF land do as well). I can't remember what I like to do. I don't have any motivation to do anything, and I'm feeling directionless.

My only goal right now is to become a mom.

I've realized that one goal isn't going to cut it. I need to reconnect with my other passions and find things to make me happy now.

The quest begins again to figure myself out. I thought I was done with that in my 20s.

15 comments:

  1. I think it can be easy to lose track of yourself while going through fertility treatments. You're so tied to the scheduling of everything and consumed with thoughts of "what if it does or doesn't happen."

    You're right to indulge yourself in things that make you happy. Good luck on your journey!

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  2. I am sorry this comment is not going to try to chear you up. I am feeling the same way right now as you are. Its sad that we have to go through this. I am so sorry about the IVF # 1 dissaster! {HUGS}

    ~ICLW

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  3. It's so easy to forget about everything else in life that is interesting when IF takes over. I think that your second to last paragraph says it all. There with you sister. I'm there too.

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  4. Infertility seems to really take a hold of our lives when we are thrust into the unknown. I hope you find a good balance of TTC and being happy too. It's a stressful time.

    Hang in there.

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  5. It really all sucks. All we want is to be pregnant, and it really is hard to see people getting pregnant around us. Then to top it off it's all we think about and becomes all consuming.

    For my husband and myself we had to make changes to make our lives better. We had to make a conscious effort to enjoy our life so we didn't look back on this time in our life and regret all of the time and energy we spent on TTC.

    I hope that you find a happy balance!

    Tina
    ICLW

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  6. Infertility does this to you. It messes with your mind and really forces you to answer the difficult questions. But we are stronger for it. I wish you all the best. ICLW

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  7. Praying that God will give you peace. ((hugs))

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  8. first off ((((((BIG hugs)))))

    I'm new to your blog, but not at all new to your experience. I've been there myself, and not all that long ago. After our first failed IVF in March, I went through a major funk: crying all the time, glued to the couch, really negative, just not me. It scared me. My hubby was even more scared I think. What helped me get kick-started back to reality was seeing a psychologist. They had them at my RE's office, and I went for about 6 visits over about 5 weeks. It was very good to get me moving again, to get my thoughts in order, to start being nice to me again. Insurance usually covers this (even if they don't cover IF stuff).

    Just remember you are not alone in this, and what you are going through is not all that hard to believe, given the stress of IVF. And don't discount all the hormones, they can really mess with your head. Even after you stop taking them.

    Take care!!!

    ICLW

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  9. Thank you for your message on my blog. I'm sorry you are in this diconnected place. I was there after my miscarriage this fall and it took me a couple of months to finally go into my primary care doc and talk to her about it. Through my tears she really felt it was best to start on a low dose anti-depressant. Of course since we are TTC it doesn't feel the best to add more drugs to the mix, but it was the best thing I ever did! I am finally feeling good about reconnecting with friends and getting a long better with my husband. It is one of those things that you have to get to yourself. I probably would have yelled at anyone who would have suggested it to me, but I'm so glad I figured it out finally.
    Best wishes with finding peace.

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  10. I know we're not professionals and aren't qualified to give you professional advice, but remember you've got us (the rest of IF blog world) who listen and care and share a lot of your emotions. Together, we'll all get through IF.

    Take care of yourself!
    B.

    ICLW

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  11. It's so easy to get tunneled in on all things IF related and let the other parts of our lives slip. I hope your journey of rediscovery is fun and long-lived!

    ~ ICLW

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  12. I went through a huge bout of depression when we were undergoing all our losses. It's so hard to maintain a balanced outlook on life when you are dealing with infertility.

    Good luck on your journey.

    ~ICLW

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  13. I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. I think we all struggle with the D-word when dealing with IF. It SUCKS! There's no other way around it.

    I've started learning to stop obsessing about it (even though it's SOOOOO hard) and leave it up to a higher being. I don't know why certain people are chosen to experience this horrible, awful, heartbreaking thing called infertility, but I'm trying to look at it in a different light and see the blessings (horrible word choice, I know) that has come of it: my husband and I are closer than ever, becoming healthier by eating right and taking care of myself.

    I hope that you are feeling better, but KNOW that you are NOT alone!!
    ~Michelle (ICLW)

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  14. Hey! I'm tagging you with the Honest Scrap Award for your honest and inspiring posts!

    Congratulations!

    http://growingtheyerkesfamily.blogspot.com/2009/06/award-for-me.html

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  15. TTC is very one dimensional. Seriously. I've lost friends, become completely disconnected, etc etc. However, in a wierd way it's also helped me reconnect to ME. I have started wheel throwing again, and realized that I NEED to get out of corporate America. I also realized that I don't like the friends that can't support me. So I guess this is my way of saying 1) the only people who always know who they are, are self-absorbed jerks who are totally not self-reflective, 2) be kind to yourself while TTC, because it is a tough, tough road, and 3) use this time to pamper yourself with activities that you love. You very well may find that it can change your life - both for the good and the bad.

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