Today is our one year IVF anniversary. A year ago, M and I had our first shot class and orientation work-up for IVF. A year ago, I assumed that I'd have resolution by now. I was hopeful.
I've been noticing that I'm feeling more and more unsettled lately. I think that all of this stress and ambiguity is affecting me in surprising ways. I am on edge and feeling burnt out. I'm a lunatic with unfinished projects. On occasion, I'll just completely lose it with M because something wasn't done the way I wanted. I want to control everything and nothing. I've been having crazy dreams. The past two days, I've woken up after a crazy dream and have felt "off" for a good portion of the day. Last night, I had a dream that M was cheating on me with someone named Amanda. It felt so real. When I woke up this morning, I honestly couldn't convince myself that it was just a dream. I had to call M into the room and ask him.
It is to the point that I am having a hard time living with myself. I'm making MYSELF crazy. Poor M. I'm not sure how he is putting up with me right now. It can't be fun.
I wish I could say that one year from now things will be much better, but I can't. One year from now, I could easily be in the same place as I am today. There are no guarantees that I'll get resolution to our infertility ever - much less in one year's time.