Unsettled

Today is our one year IVF anniversary.  A year ago, M and I had our first shot class and orientation work-up for IVF.  A year ago, I assumed that I'd have resolution by now.  I was hopeful.

I've been noticing that I'm feeling more and more unsettled lately.  I think that all of this stress and ambiguity is affecting me in surprising ways.  I am on edge and feeling burnt out.  I'm a lunatic with unfinished projects.  On occasion, I'll just completely lose it with M because something wasn't done the way I wanted.  I want to control everything and nothing.  I've been having crazy dreams.  The past two days, I've woken up after a crazy dream and have felt "off" for a good portion of the day.  Last night, I had a dream that M was cheating on me with someone named Amanda.  It felt so real.  When I woke up this morning, I honestly couldn't convince myself that it was just a dream.  I had to call M into the room and ask him. 

It is to the point that I am having a hard time living with myself.  I'm making MYSELF crazy.  Poor M.  I'm not sure how he is putting up with me right now.  It can't be fun.

I wish I could say that one year from now things will be much better, but I can't.  One year from now, I could easily be in the same place as I am today.  There are no guarantees that I'll get resolution to our infertility ever - much less in one year's time.