Sunday, July 26, 2009

A question of support

I have been a pretty crappy ICLWer this cycle. My laptop was attached by some virus and was completely fried. My husband finally fixed it today. So, I've been trying to keep up on my comments, but I didn't keep track of how many I was posting, so I'm not sure how much catch-up I need to do.

The reason I signed up for ICLW is that I so appreciate the support that I get from the IF community. It helps to make this bearable.

IRL, I've been pretty open about our If struggles and journey. The reason we've decided to be open is that I don't want to "lie" by omission to my family and friends, and I thought I'd need the support. What I've discovered is that I don't always get what I need. My mom is very supportive, but it feels like the rest of my family and friends are afraid to ask me about it, so they ignore it. All I want is for them to occasionally ask how I'm doing.

Additionally, my SIL is currently pregnant after IVF with ICSI. You'd think that she'd ask, but she doesn't. She's in her own little happy pregnant world and isn't thinking about me at all.

I guess I'm a little bitter. And, to be honest, maybe a bit emotional. I'm heading into the last week of stims and I'm dreading it a bit. I just know that I'm going to get increasingly more uncomfortable.

Ok, off to ICLW comment!


  1. I just started following your blog not too long ago. I have opted not to talk to any of my family/friends because I didn't think they would understand and be able to offer the support we needed - I feel like there just isn't the right answer to where to find the support. I hope that you are able to find people to surround you in the way that you need. I will be keeping you in my prayers.

  2. I have the opposite problem... there are a few people with whom I shared in the beginning that I now wish didn't know because they ask TOO MUCH. One in particular. I also know that people feel sorry for me, that I'm not pregnant yet, and I hate that feeling. I don't want pity. Pity is not the same as support. :(

    I'm happy that my closest friends know because they DO support me. But... it's hard. It's hard to find the happy medium between sharing enough to get support and not feel alone, but not so much that everyone else thinks it's their business.

  3. I wouldn't worry too much about ICLW. I think we all have months where we do better than others. There's no score...we just do what we can, right?

    There are few IRL friends who actually ask how I'm doing...I understand. Hang in there.

  4. Hang in there. I hope this cycle bring you your BFP!


  5. My mom had trouble getting pregnant, too, so she's really understanding, but most people IRL just don't get it. Except for a couple of other infertiles at my job, nobody I've told really has any grasp of all of the emotional, physical, and financial burdens of IF. The IRL infertiles I told had said they were too scared to ask how things were going during and after our IVF because they know how scary and painful it can be.

    Hang in there, hun. I understand and I'm sending you hugs.

  6. I get most of my support here on the IF web, since we've only told our close family & now my employer thanks to the time off I've needed. Like Word Nerd, my mom also had trouble so she is very supportive, but the in-laws sometimes get a little more toward the pity side. I'd rather not be asked about how things are going if pity is a factor.

    Boo on your SIL!

  7. Hi Amy, I get much more support from my virtual friends than from IRL people. In fact, we've told very few people because I just don't think someone who has not been through this process can possibly get it. Too bad your SIL isn't more understanding. Hang in there...just a few more days.

  8. HI Amy, well, you have seenmy post about family support (from my Dh side) so you know I can understand you. The last week of stim is going to be hard on you but then the real madness will begin and we'll be here for you! Fran

  9. I can understand with your frustration with your SIL. It seems that previous infertiles think we'll rub off on them and might cause a miscarriage. Sad but seemingly true. Happy ICLW!

  10. My experience has been like JustMe's - if anyone asked anything, I was honest about it. So now they're curious and ask questions all the time! I'm not trying to hide it, but I obsess enough as it is, so I try to direct the conversation back to them if I can.

    Don't worry about ICLW. It'll come around again. I'm so glad you share your story here!

  11. Life happens, but ICLW still comes and goes- just try to catch it next month and deal with what you need to. We've all been there. As for support, I know very few people that get the support they want or need from family. It's too much, too little, totally not what you were expecting, etc. In that way, families can be a huge pain.

  12. like you, unfortunately the people IRL to whom we opened up about our struggles mostly don't give us the support we need. My parents are bad at it. My mom the other day decided to bluntly say to me on the phone that it seems to her I don't want a baby enough! And my father was making comments about my weigh gain right after our failed IVF. My father in law decided to throw in my face everything he thinks of me. So... this time we are not telling anyone. It's hard to find a balance, but maybe we have to find the line of how much we share and how much to expect.
    Don't worry about ICLW. i found you through it, and will be visiting often. Good luck on the last phase of your stims!!!