Tuesday, July 7, 2009

What is the Secret?

I just returned to work today after a lovely 6 days off. I had a good vacation, but today at work, I felt so tired. I feel like those singers and actresses who have "exhaustion." My vacation just wasn't enough, and I think I'm still mentally drained from the infertility and all the stuff I've been dealing with at work and in my personal life.

I've been saving vacations days for when I go on maternity leave, but lately I'm abandoning my glass half full ways. When I really stop and think about it, I just don't think that we'll be successful in having a baby. I just don't believe it will be true, but I'm going through the motions now and hoping for the best. And, at the same time, I am thinking through my consolation prize - recuperating in Paris or on a tropical beach.

Sometimes I do wonder if I'm "jinxing" myself with my pessimistic attitude. Maybe if I believe it; maybe if I make that baby blanket; maybe if I paint the nursery; maybe if I save those vacation days; maybe if I abandon my back-up plan; maybe if I believe that it will happen, it will.

Maybe I will be a mom one day.


  1. You're right, IF is exhausting and we all get tired of fighting it sometimes. It's so hard to hang onto hope and faith all the time. I know we all hear that "we'll get there someday" and then, "this will all be worth it." I try to hang onto that, but its hard. Just thought I'd let you know I get it!

  2. It is hard...I know. Sometimes I'm there, and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I think I brought this all on myself...but then I remember I didn't. It just IS....*sigh*

  3. I know just what you mean. Although I hold out hope, I don't think I really believe deep down that we'll ever be successful. I'm trying to figure out how I feel about that. But like you, I want to go through the motions, just to know I really did try!

    omg, what kind of horse - I mean dog - do you have? He's adorable! And enormous!

  4. I think it's one of those catch-22s. You want to stay optimistic... but I find if I'm "too" optimistic, I'm giving things up and putting things on hold for ttc.

    I have made a pact with myself not to put things on hold "just in case" I get pregnant. I have a vacation planned with my best friend, and made sure to plan my treatments around that instead of the other way around.

    It's the only way I can try to continue to feel normal. Whatever that is.