I just returned to work today after a lovely 6 days off. I had a good vacation, but today at work, I felt so tired. I feel like those singers and actresses who have "exhaustion." My vacation just wasn't enough, and I think I'm still mentally drained from the infertility and all the stuff I've been dealing with at work and in my personal life.
I've been saving vacations days for when I go on maternity leave, but lately I'm abandoning my glass half full ways. When I really stop and think about it, I just don't think that we'll be successful in having a baby. I just don't believe it will be true, but I'm going through the motions now and hoping for the best. And, at the same time, I am thinking through my consolation prize - recuperating in Paris or on a tropical beach.
Sometimes I do wonder if I'm "jinxing" myself with my pessimistic attitude. Maybe if I believe it; maybe if I make that baby blanket; maybe if I paint the nursery; maybe if I save those vacation days; maybe if I abandon my back-up plan; maybe if I believe that it will happen, it will.
Maybe I will be a mom one day.