Sunday, August 16, 2009


My optimism is fading fast. I'm still spotting - alternating between a barely anything spotting, and a heavier bleed. I'm convinced we'll get a BFN tomorrow.

I've been having a hard time sleeping lately too as my worries keep waking me up. I'm not thinking that we realistically have a very good chance of bringing home a baby after IVF. Assuming that I'm right and this is a BFN, we would have gone through 2 IVF cycles and only achieved 2 embryos - and not really great ones at that. So, I'll have a consultation with my doctor and figure out what our chances are. I'm also considering taking a break until January and trying to lose some weight and get in better shape. But, I also have to consider if we should continue down this path or do something else?

I think all the time about how to build our family. If IVF doesn't work, what do we do? Do we give up, or try to build a family in other ways? Can we afford adoption? Should we consider foster care? International adoption vs. domestic? How would my family react to an interracial adoption? What about donor eggs/ sperm? How can we afford any of this? Are we too old / too fat / too crazy to adopt?

I worry all the time. I can't sleep. I have crazy dreams. I worry about Christmas, and dealing with the birth of my new niece or nephew at that time, and again thinking that one day, M and I will be the old Aunt and Uncle that have no family and no where to go for .

I wish for and hope for and desperately WANT good news tomorrow, but I don't think that will happen. Beta in the morning. What a great way to start the week.


  1. Thinking of you today...I'm sorry you're in the position of having to even ask yourself these questions.

  2. hugs, so sorry that you are going through this.