Bittersweet

Today has been a bit of a mixed bag of emotions.  We went to see the Blind Side today, which has a foster / adopt theme.  It was such a sweet story. And, I found myself crying through movie.  Then, my brother and his wife gave birth to their second baby today.  She's an IVF baby as well, and I'm so happy to be an Aunt again, and so happy for my brother and sister-in-law to have an infertility happy ending (times 2 as they also have a IUI 4 yr old), and just happy that the baby is healthy.  Yet, I was crying while hearing the news.  I think they were partly happy tears, and partly tears at what might have been.  And then I had to stop in the hallway of the movie theater as sobs overcame me.  I pulled it together and walked out of the movie theater and went across the street to the grocery store to get something for dinner.  Then, my brother called me.  I was glad to talk to him, but struggled to keep my voice from quivering with my tears.  I feel wrung out a bit.  The baby is beautiful, and I love her already even though I haven't met her yet.  Tomorrow we will go to the hospital to see her, and I'm hoping I can keep it together.  This is a happy time, and it isn't about me. 

After my miscarriage, I made my husband promise me that he would make me a mom one day, one way.  I've been thinking recently about how that might happen.  I believe that I'll be a Mom one day, and I'm trying to stay hopeful that I might be able to give birth to a take home baby that is genetically mine.  However, I also know that the odds of that happening don't necessarily fall in my favor.  I recently learned that my insurance will likely only cover one more cycle, rather than the two I thought I'd still have.  So, my hope has dwindled a bit.

I know it will happen.  I believe I'll have someone to mother one day.  I have hope in that and I'm doing everything possible to make that happen - losing weight, following the the Fertility Diet, saving money so I have an adoption or donor egg fund (after my Hawaii trip, of course), and constantly working to boost myself up.  

Ornaments

I don't have a themed Christmas tree.  The ornaments we have are mostly those that have been given to us, that we've bought on vacations, or that have a special meaning.  It's fun to put up the tree and see all those special ornaments and remember the trips and the special occasion.  We also have a personalized ornament for each member of our family (and, yes, I've decided that I'm claiming the word "family" for us.  My collection of two people and a slew of animals and an angel baby might not make a family in most people's minds, but I'm claiming "family" nonetheless).  I have a personalized ornament, so does M, the dog, and each of the 3 cats.  Recently, we added a personalized ornament for the baby we lost.

We went to Things Remembered and bought a personalized ornamanent.  It was a mirrored angel with a 2009 charm.  We had it engraved to say "Our Angel" and the name that we gave the baby.   I like having the ornament for the baby and the acknowledgment that he existed for us.  I also like that because the ornament is a mirror, it kind of disappears into the tree.  It is there if you look for it, but it is hard to see unless you look.

For some reason, I feel weird about admitting that we named the baby that we miscarried.  It isn't something that I talk about publicly, but is more a private thing between my husband and myself.  I think it has helped us cope with the loss a bit.  And, If we have future pregnancies, I wanted to try to separate the baby we lost with the baby we carried.  We decided that the baby was a boy, and named him Allan Michael.  It is not the name we would likely have given had he been born, but it is a family name, honors M's Uncle who recently passed away and on whose birthday our egg transfer occurred.

Sigh...

It just dawned on me that I would have been 19 weeks pregnant tomorrow.  I almost lost it in my office and had a crying breakdown.  I haven't had that happen in quite awhile.

Imagine how my life would be different now if that baby had stuck around. 

Knife. In. Heart

As I mentioned, I went on a one-day business trip yesterday to Columbus, OH.  My boss and I went to evaluate a company.  We spent the afternoon with the 4 executives.  We were making small talk about how early we had to get up to catch our flight.  My boss brought up the fact that I had to wake up at 3:45 to take care of my dog prior to catching our flight, while she has two sons, but didn't have to take care of them because her husband was home.  To be clear, I didn't bring up the fact that I have animals - my boss did.  I try not to talk about them too much in public because I don't want to be that woman.

Later on in the day, one of the guys said, "When my wife and I were first married, we had a dog.  And, that was almost like our child.  It is amazing how once you have children, the importance of the dog in your life goes way down."

It was like a knife to my heart.  Thanks, jackass.  Way to point out what I'm missing and totally dismiss my life, as it is right now, all with two sentences.

Feeling a little off

Today is two months since my miscarriage.  It is 14 years since I met my husband.  It is 14 years since my Grandpa died.  So, one of those days thinking about the things that happen that shape your life.

My husband is on week 3 of his business trip.  I'm fortunate that he has the opportunity to come home on the weekend, but it isn't enough.  He has only been home long enough to do laundry and leave again.  I just miss him.  I know that I'm lucky compared to some - especially on this Veteran's Day. 

I didn't wake up and workout this morning.  I set 3 alarms and just turned them all off.  I'm not even sure I made a conscious decision to NOT workout.  It was 4 in the morning after all.  With M. gone, I'm not sure how I could take care of the home stuff and workout at any other time than 4am.

I have to travel tomorrow.  I'm flying out to Columbus, OH in the morning and returning in the afternoon.  I am not used to traveling.  And, there is just so much to deal with at home that it stresses me out a bit. 

I just want a hug.  I've had a rough week with the hysteroscopy on Monday, busy work days, and the stress of traveling.   I can't wait for M. to come home on Friday night, even if he is running out the door on Sunday morning.

I could just use a hug.

Pregnant Women Everywhere

My employee finally fessed up to her pregnancy yesterday.  I took it pretty well.  I've been rehearsing my response for weeks now, so I had time to prepare.  I did call her on the fact that I suspected back in August, and she wasn't really hiding anything by wearing maternity pants and sporting a giant baby bump.  She's due March 8th and is having a boy.  That hurt a bit, because we call the baby we miscarried a boy - even though we don't know for sure.

I did have a hard moment today when I was doing something for work with my boss.  We were discussing staff salaries and if anyone had unpaid medical leave.  She pointed out that last fiscal year, this employee was on maternity leave.  It hit me that she would have maternity leave two fiscal year's in a row.  I think I've been lapped twice, and that truly sucks.

Aunt Flo, where are you?

It has been 7 weeks since I had my miscarriage.  I was only pregnant for 7w3d.  I can't believe how fast the time had gone.  I'm in such a better place mentally than I was even a few weeks ago, and am moving forward.  One thing that is stopping me from moving forward is that I haven't gotten my period yet since the miscarriage.    Dr. B. said that I'd likely get my period 4 to 6 weeks after the miscarriage.  However, I bled for about 5 weeks after the miscarriage.  Is this normal?  Anyone who has been there before have any ideas?  I don't chart, so I'm not sure where things are, but I'm pretty sure I ovulated.  And, I've been having massive mood swings the past 2 days.  But, I've also been working my butt off all week painting my house, and have been without my husband (he's been on a business trip) so I'm tired in general.  That could lend to the crankiness.

I am not waiting to start an IVF cycle, so I'm not really in a rush, I just want to close the door on the medical aspects of the miscarriage and move forward.  Plus, I want to schedule my hysteroscopy, and I can't do that until I get my period.  UGH  So frustrated.

A post about pizza

I used to eat pizza.  A lot.  Like 3 times a week sometimes.  It was a problem, really and truly.  Maybe an addiction (please don't mind the crazies I'm sharing here!) The last time I had pizza was September 10th, the day before my miscarriage.  Somehow in my mind these two things - pizza and being pregnant / losing my baby - are linked.  I can't even bear the thought of eating pizza right now because I remember that the last time I ate it I was pregnant, and the next day I miscarried.  I have never gone this long without eating pizza.  It's so weird because I don't even want it any more.  The thought of eating it sounds good for a minute but then I remember.

I used to eat pizza for celebrations or when I was too tired to cook.  It's weird to have my favorite food tied in my mind with something that was so heartbreaking.  I think that at this point, I'd like to hold off on eating it until I have a true reason to celebrate - when I bring home a baby.

Motivation

At my WTF appointment, Dr. B. kindly suggested that if I lost some weight I might have better results with my next IVF cycle.  I've jumped all over this and am funneling all my energies into losing weight.  In my magical thinking world, this is a guarantee of success.  Whatever works.  

• I've joined Weight Watchers Online and have been obsessively counting points
• I've started exercising 6 days a week.  Monday through Friday I wake up most days (unless I have to be at work at a weird time) at 4 a.m. and am on my treadmill doing a couch to 5 k program or lifting weights at 4:15 a.m.  It's a bit crazy.  I'm still half asleep for the first 10 minutes of my workouts.
• I've done 3 1/2 hours of cardio this past week and 1 1/2 hours of lifting weights.  
• I also walk my dog about 3 to 5 hours a week.  I don't "count" that as working out since he usually operated in "slow" mode.
• I've read The Fertility Diet, and am incorporating these suggestions into my plan, although the milk thing still has me confused.

I've never been more motivated to be successful.  Truthfully, I'm a bit obsessive about it.  Since I joined Weight Watchers one week after my miscarriage, I've lost 15 pounds.  I've lost 10 pound since I last met with Dr. B and he gave me this suggestion. 

I think it is generally a positive thing to be so focused.  It makes me feel like I am doing something to give myself some chance at success.  It makes me feel a bit more in control, although I know I'm not in control.  On the other hand, the very first thing I think of every single day is the baby I lost.  I'm not sure if I would think about that anyway, or if it is more in the forefront of my mind because the alarm is going off at 4 a.m. so I can workout to help improve my chances of a take home baby. Also, I might need to work on resetting expectations once I start my IVF cycle in January / February.  Right now it is helpful to think that all this work is making a huge difference and will guarantee success.  When I start cycling, I'll need to get a dose of reality.

What could have been

My RE's office is part of a larger group practice.  The clinic itself is to the right of the elevator banks and has it's own waiting room.  However, to the left of the elevators is the OB/GYN and MFM clinic, the laboratory, and the large waiting room for ultrasounds.  The procedure for monitoring appointments is to check in with RE, and then go to the large waiting room to wait for your blood test and ultrasound.

They open at 7am for monitoring appointments.  At that hour of the day, it's easy to avoid the fertiles.  But, it gets pretty busy.


I work across the street from the clinic, which makes it really convenient.  On Monday, I had to get a blood test, and I decided to go at my lunch break to avoid the early morning crowds.  So, I checked in and found a spot in the waiting room.  It was pretty crowded.  I sat there for a few minutes and tuned in to the conversation around me.  Someone was asking how big their baby was.  Someone asked how far along the pregnant lady next to me was.  She said she was 13 weeks.  I glanced over at her, and saw her looking at a ream of ultrasound pictures.

She was 13 weeks and had a stack of ultrasound pictures - great quality ultrasound pictures - of her 13 week fetus.

I would have been 13 weeks the next day, and the lady sitting next to me was looking at her ultrasound pictures.

That could have been me, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I almost cried right there in the crowded waiting room full of fertiles. 

I thought, "I don't want to be here."  And, then I thought, "You don't need to be."  So, I got up and relocated myself to the side of the waiting room by the rheumatology clinic.  Self preservation at its finest. 

It might be silly, but I was proud of myself for taking care of myself and knowing what I needed to do in a situation to feel better. 

What are you hiding???

"Dear Employee -
    I'm not sure what you think you're hiding with your over sized sweaters, slouchy posture, and strategic arm placement, but I'm on to you.  The Canada Dry Ginger Ale I saw you swigging in August was a clue.  So was the change in eating habits, clothing, and multiple doctor's appointments.  However, the biggest clue is the GIANT BABY BUMP that you're sporting.  Do you think I'm blind?
   I'm hoping you fess up soon.  It's kind of killing me.


Sincerely,
Your Manager"

Seriously, I suspected back in early August that my employee was pregnant.  She is now obviously visibly pregnant, and hasn't said a word.  By my counting she is at least 12 weeks.  This is her second child.  I don't get it.  I can't believe she really thinks I don't know.  She sits right outside my office and I have to look at her every single day.  My husband wants to know why it bothers me so much, and I think it is because I am so afraid that she is due at the same time I am.  She is a daily reminder of what I lost and it kills me.  It really does. 

Every day I brace myself for how I'll react when she tells me the news.  I hope I don't flinch.  I hope I can come up with some nice words to say.  I think I might even go with something along the lines of "I was wondering when you were going to tell me."  I hope she's due in March or May and not April.  I don't know if I am strong enough to watch that every day.  I'm not jealous of her baby - I just want my own.

Thoughts on time

It's been 4 weeks since we lost our baby.  I've been un-pregnant longer than I knew I was pregnant.  I feel better than I did 4 weeks ago.  The first few days were terrible, but I'm doing much better now.  I still cry every day, only now its just a little bit rather than huge racking sobs like the first week or so.  I still listen to my wallowing music all the time.  For some reason it makes me feel better to reconnect with what I had and what I lost by listening to that music.

I'm caught in a space between hope and fear.  I am working really hard to get in shape and lose weight.  I've lost all my pregnancy weight and IVF weight, and I'm working on the regular old food weight now. I think that the ability to focus on this project is distracting me from the fear of IVF failure and the sadness at losing the baby.  I'll take what I can get.  I'm starting to feel more like myself, and that is making me happy.  At the same time, I would give anything to have been able to keep my pregnancy.

I feel like a different person since the pregnancy.  It feels like it changed me so much.  Which must seem silly since it was here and gone so fast.

In other news, I am fortunate to have IVF coverage through my insurance.  I have 2 more cycles on my insurance.  Well, I just found out today that my husband's insurance covers 6 IVF cycles in a life time.  They even would cover the costs of a donor cycle (which is insane!).  I have to go through the details, but there is a good chance that I'd be able to get 4 more IVF cycles.  Including a potential donor egg cycle if it turns out that my eggs are truly crap.  I have until Thursday to figure the whole thing out.  This potential gives me so much relief, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

Thank you

I dropped off a note to my RE today to say thank you.  Here's what it said:

I wanted to write to you to thank you for the care that you specifically, as well as the other physicians and staff in the clinic, have provided to me. My journey to try and have a baby has been bumpy, and I truly hate the fact that it involves a whole team of physicians and nurses. However, I do appreciate that you are straightforward and honest, while also being considerate of the toll this whole process takes on your patients (I imagine a bunch of hormonal women make for an emotionally fragile patient population). I appreciate that you treat me like a person, take the time to answer all my questions, explain things to me countless times, and that you acknowledge that I have choices in my path toward motherhood.


As I find myself on a break in my IVF journey, I wanted to stop and thank you for the kindness and compassion that has been shown to me so far. Infertility sucks, and I hate that I have to go through all of this, but I feel better knowing that I have a great team of physicians and nurses to help me navigate this path.

I had hoped to be writing him a note to thank him for my beautiful baby, and maybe one day I will have that opportunity.  But, I just felt compelled to stop now and thank him now so that he knows that even if I don't get my "take home baby" after all this crap, what he does is important and helps people.  And gives me some hope.  I want him to know that.

Ups and Downs

I had a pretty good weekend.  Last night, M and I were watching Law and Order: SVU, and I made a joke about something and we both started laughing out loud.  Then, I stopped.  I remembered that I lost my baby, and I stopped.  I feel guilty almost for being happy, even though I feel I am forever changed from having been pregnant and miscarried.  I had a hard time sleeping last night.

Sundays are hard.  I don't have many obligations typically on Sundays other than to get my shit together for the next week, clean my house, and do errands and chores.  I'm usually busy, but there is a fair amount of unstructured activity.  It's hard. 

It's been 3 weeks and 2 days since I miscarried.  I miscarried at 7w3d, which means I only knew I was pregnant for 3w3d before I lost the baby.  This week we'll tip towards having been not pregnant longer than I was pregnant.  It was such a short time, but I still feel the loss so acutely.

I am going to take some time today to plan some goals for myself for this week.  I've thrown myself into diet and exercise, so that should help.  But, I need a project to do after work.  I find myself drawn to the internet to (1) read blogs about people who have experienced pregnancy loss and are now pregnant, (2) to enter search terms into Pubmed to try and do my own research on my future IVF protocol, (3) Googling my doctor's name with the hope of finding stories about how he created miracles from crap.  I'm trying to research this to death as if something I find will make all the difference.  This isn't a normal problem.  I can't fix it by knowing the facts.  I can do everything right; my doctor can do everything right; and we can still not end up with a baby out of all this heart ache.  So, I need a project.  Maybe a few of them. I need something to dive into and lose myself in.  I'm open to suggestions. 

Infertility - the Musical

As I was playing with my new iPhone (a gift from M after the miscarriage) and trying to download material from iTunes, I ran accross the soundtrack for Infertility Musical: the musical that's hard to conceive, and I downloaded it.  It is funny in a completely inappropriate way, while also getting the whole infertility thing.  I listened to half of it this morning during my treadmill workout.  From Googling it, it appears that it was Off Broadway back in 2004-2005.  I'd recommend it if you're looking to find the light-hearted side of all this bullsh.it.

Follow-up to the Follow-up

I had my WTF appointment with Dr. B today.  M and I took the day off of work.  Our plan was to go to the appointment at 11:30, have lunch, then see a movie.  We arrived for our appointment and were told that it wasn't on his schedule and had been canceled.  I freaked out.  However, the receptionist told us that it was ok as he did have time to see us.

We waited about 15 minutes, then Dr. B came to take us back to the consultation room.  I like him.  He is kind and compassionate but also straight-forward.  He isn't going to cheer you on by saying he "has a good feeling" but he will say, honestly, that you shouldn't give up hope.  He will also say, if appropriate, that he doesn't think this will work. I think that M. would like it if he did more cheer leading, but I appreciate the candor and honesty.  Here's the rundown on the WTF meeting:

• There was no tissue from the D&C, therefore he is only speculating that my miscarriage, and all the freaking bleeding, was a symptom of poor embryo quality.

• We talked about future risk.  He said that he doesn't really know.  That in a "normal" pregnancy, risk of recurrence is about 15%.  However, in my situation, since I've had such crappy egg quality and fertilization, it could be as high as 50%.  That sucks, thank you very much.

• Prior HSGs have show evidence of a uterine polyp.  Apparently, some of my ultrasounds have shown that as well (who knew).  Therefore, he wanted to schedule me for a hysteroscopy to check it out and remove anything that is there.  I'll do that after I start my period.
  

• He recommended antiphospholipid antibody testing, and another blood test as well.  I appreciated that I didn't have to push for these tests.

• I asked Dr. B if there was anything I could do to improve my chances of success.  He said that there is some evidence that losing weight could help with both IVF success rates as well as incidence of miscarriage.  He recommended trying to lose 10% of my current weight.  I have been reading this as well, and I do think he was sugar coating a bit on this one.  We agreed that I would take some time off before my next cycle to try and focus on losing weight.  I think this is also good as it will give me an opportunity to get my head together a bit more.

• We talked about what we could do differently from a medication perspective to increase my chance in my next cycle.  He wants to try an Antagonist protocol with the hope that that will increase my eggs retrieved and # of mature eggs.  I've read mixed reviews so far on Ganirelix protocols, but some of the literature does seem to suggest that it might be helpful, and will certainly be easier to manage.  If anyone has experience with this, I'd love to know.

M is feeling a bit down after this appointment, but I'm feeling a bit more positive.  I have a plan now.  I don't need to second guess things.  I have some things that I can do to proactively move forward, as well as a new protocol lined up for when we start.

I've done my homework, and I know that the chance of miscarriage is still pretty high for us.  That are odds aren't great that we'll get a "take home baby".  I never want to go through a miscarriage again.  Ever.  But, I'm not willing to not try for a baby just to prevent miscarriage.

In other news, I'm still bleeding.  It stopped for a few days, then started up again.  I've been bleeding for almost 3 weeks since the m/c.  And, really, off and on for 9 weeks since the pregnancy.  I'm ready for it to stop.

We didn't end up going to the movie.  Our heads were exploding, so we came home.  M. is sleeping on the couch with the big puppy as we speak.  They're spooning, so it's pretty cute.

Always in my heart

Yesterday was a rough day and a good day. I started my morning by having myself a good cry while listening to sad songs. High on my playlist right now are "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton, and this song called, "Glory Baby," by Watermark. It's a Christian song - which is normally not my taste, and it is a bit sappy, but the lyrics are all about miscarriage. I know it sounds like torture, but I listen to these songs and sob.

I received the Baby Loss memorial necklace that I bought in the mail yesterday. I love it and think it's beautiful (see picture). I bought it on etsy from "Peace of Mind's" etsy shop . The text in the ad says,

"This necklace was designed to be a special keepsake for mothers who have lost their little ones. The dotted heart charm reminded me of a tiny baby who will always be in their mother's heart. The pearl represents the mother's new angel."

I love it. I bought a 30 inch chain and am wearing it on that so it hangs right down by my heart. The seller packaged really nicely with a note saying that she hoped it brought comfort to the mother. Of course I cried.

The rest of the day was spent with extended family celebrating my mom's 60th birthday. I received lots of love and support from them as they've all heard my news. However, it's hard for me to talk about it without crying. I did have one moment where I had to leave the room. My sister-in-law is about 22 weeks pregnant. My uncle was talking to her about her pregnancy and how she felt in the early months. They had a large discussion of morning sickness. I felt like chiming in, until I remembered that I'm not part of that club anymore. Then, I started sobbing as the conversation reminded me of everything that I've lost. I had to leave the room. I'm happy for them, and I'm not jealous, but it still hurts.

I feel a little better and like I might be moving toward healing. I don't feel so much like I live in a horror movie like I did a week ago.

One week

One week ago, I woke up feeling good. Feeling full of energy, happiness, and life.

One week ago I was pregnant.

One week ago, I lost my baby.

I'm struggling right now. I didn't cry Friday or Saturday. I think I was too numb, and in too much physical shock to cry. Ever since Sunday, I've been crying. I sit in my office at work and cry. I cry myself to sleep. I went to bed last night feeling at peace, woke up the same way, and said to my husband that maybe I wouldn't cry today. 1 minute ago I just broke down and sobbed.

I miss my baby. I want him back.

I am scared for the future. How do you get the courage and hope needed to try this again?

I'm trying to move forward little by little. I've made my WTF appointment for 10/1. I made an appointment for the psychologist in the RE's office for next Wednesday. I am trying to focus on getting myself healthy. I've lost almost 10 pounds so far, and I'm planning on joining Weight Watchers on Sunday. I'm reading The Fertility Diet, and will try to incorporate some of those strategies into my plan. I've been walking my dog, trying to engage my mind, and making plans for the fall. My husband, my family, friends, and my boss have been incredibly wonderful and supportive. I am leaning on them quite heavily.

I still feel a bit of peace today. I know that time is healing. I know my baby is in Heaven right now. I know I have an Angel Baby, and that gives me comfort. I also know that God will bless me one day by allowing me to be a mommy. And, I know that my husband has promised to make that happen one way or the other.

I still miss my baby though, and probably always will.

Back to work tomorrow

I've been laying low at home since Friday, but tomorrow I head back to work. I'm kind of both dreading it and glad to be going. I'm hoping it's really busy with unimportant work to keep my mind occupied.

I'm dreading it because I can hardly bear for my husband to be out of the room for 5 minutes, and now I'll have to be away from him for 9 whole hours. I'm dreading it because the last time I got dressed for work, my baby was still alive. And, a few short hours later, he died. I'm dreading it because I can't make myself do anything and now I have to put on a good and brave face at work.

Thankfully, the people I work with are being super cool. It's funny, I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant because I didn't want to have to tell them that I miscarried. I wouldn't let my mom tell anyone either. Now that I miscarried, my mom told my home family, the lady at the grocery store, her friends, everyone. And, I'm the same way. Everyone at work, who I didn't want to know I was pregnant, all know I miscarried. At the same time I don't want to talk about it, I want to talk about it with everyone.

I made an appointment with my RE for a WTF consultation. I have a list of questions for him, and I hope to make some decisions on when to try again and what plan to put into place. I'm moving forward, barely and with a heavy heart.

I spent my whole morning crying. I'm hopeful that I can pull it together tomorrow.