What Might have Been

Today would have been my due date for the pregnancy I lost in September.

I know it is just a date, and in real life, doesn't mean anything.  But, I can't help but stop and think about what might have been.  What today could have looked like had things gone differently.  I could have been cursing about how uncomfortable I was and hoping that the baby would come any day.  I could have been holding my baby. 

But, life is what life is.  And, I'm not holding my baby.  And, I'm not pregnant.  And, I'm not cycling now or anytime in the future.  I'm waiting.

I am not as sad as I had thought I'd be.  I didn't even cry today.  In fact, I took a vacation day today and spent a wonderful morning with my husband and my dog hiking.  But, I cried on Sunday at Church when the little kids were making their 1st Communion, so you never know.

I'm sad about what could have been.  I feel that I've taken time to experience and mark the loss in a quiet way.  But, I'm thankful for the short time that I was a "mom." I am so glad that I had the opportunity to experience that miracle.

Follow-up to the Follow-up

I had my WTF appointment with Dr. B today.  M and I took the day off of work.  Our plan was to go to the appointment at 11:30, have lunch, then see a movie.  We arrived for our appointment and were told that it wasn't on his schedule and had been canceled.  I freaked out.  However, the receptionist told us that it was ok as he did have time to see us.

We waited about 15 minutes, then Dr. B came to take us back to the consultation room.  I like him.  He is kind and compassionate but also straight-forward.  He isn't going to cheer you on by saying he "has a good feeling" but he will say, honestly, that you shouldn't give up hope.  He will also say, if appropriate, that he doesn't think this will work. I think that M. would like it if he did more cheer leading, but I appreciate the candor and honesty.  Here's the rundown on the WTF meeting:

• There was no tissue from the D&C, therefore he is only speculating that my miscarriage, and all the freaking bleeding, was a symptom of poor embryo quality.

• We talked about future risk.  He said that he doesn't really know.  That in a "normal" pregnancy, risk of recurrence is about 15%.  However, in my situation, since I've had such crappy egg quality and fertilization, it could be as high as 50%.  That sucks, thank you very much.

• Prior HSGs have show evidence of a uterine polyp.  Apparently, some of my ultrasounds have shown that as well (who knew).  Therefore, he wanted to schedule me for a hysteroscopy to check it out and remove anything that is there.  I'll do that after I start my period.
  

• He recommended antiphospholipid antibody testing, and another blood test as well.  I appreciated that I didn't have to push for these tests.

• I asked Dr. B if there was anything I could do to improve my chances of success.  He said that there is some evidence that losing weight could help with both IVF success rates as well as incidence of miscarriage.  He recommended trying to lose 10% of my current weight.  I have been reading this as well, and I do think he was sugar coating a bit on this one.  We agreed that I would take some time off before my next cycle to try and focus on losing weight.  I think this is also good as it will give me an opportunity to get my head together a bit more.

• We talked about what we could do differently from a medication perspective to increase my chance in my next cycle.  He wants to try an Antagonist protocol with the hope that that will increase my eggs retrieved and # of mature eggs.  I've read mixed reviews so far on Ganirelix protocols, but some of the literature does seem to suggest that it might be helpful, and will certainly be easier to manage.  If anyone has experience with this, I'd love to know.

M is feeling a bit down after this appointment, but I'm feeling a bit more positive.  I have a plan now.  I don't need to second guess things.  I have some things that I can do to proactively move forward, as well as a new protocol lined up for when we start.

I've done my homework, and I know that the chance of miscarriage is still pretty high for us.  That are odds aren't great that we'll get a "take home baby".  I never want to go through a miscarriage again.  Ever.  But, I'm not willing to not try for a baby just to prevent miscarriage.

In other news, I'm still bleeding.  It stopped for a few days, then started up again.  I've been bleeding for almost 3 weeks since the m/c.  And, really, off and on for 9 weeks since the pregnancy.  I'm ready for it to stop.

We didn't end up going to the movie.  Our heads were exploding, so we came home.  M. is sleeping on the couch with the big puppy as we speak.  They're spooning, so it's pretty cute.

Always in my heart

Yesterday was a rough day and a good day. I started my morning by having myself a good cry while listening to sad songs. High on my playlist right now are "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton, and this song called, "Glory Baby," by Watermark. It's a Christian song - which is normally not my taste, and it is a bit sappy, but the lyrics are all about miscarriage. I know it sounds like torture, but I listen to these songs and sob.

I received the Baby Loss memorial necklace that I bought in the mail yesterday. I love it and think it's beautiful (see picture). I bought it on etsy from "Peace of Mind's" etsy shop . The text in the ad says,

"This necklace was designed to be a special keepsake for mothers who have lost their little ones. The dotted heart charm reminded me of a tiny baby who will always be in their mother's heart. The pearl represents the mother's new angel."

I love it. I bought a 30 inch chain and am wearing it on that so it hangs right down by my heart. The seller packaged really nicely with a note saying that she hoped it brought comfort to the mother. Of course I cried.

The rest of the day was spent with extended family celebrating my mom's 60th birthday. I received lots of love and support from them as they've all heard my news. However, it's hard for me to talk about it without crying. I did have one moment where I had to leave the room. My sister-in-law is about 22 weeks pregnant. My uncle was talking to her about her pregnancy and how she felt in the early months. They had a large discussion of morning sickness. I felt like chiming in, until I remembered that I'm not part of that club anymore. Then, I started sobbing as the conversation reminded me of everything that I've lost. I had to leave the room. I'm happy for them, and I'm not jealous, but it still hurts.

I feel a little better and like I might be moving toward healing. I don't feel so much like I live in a horror movie like I did a week ago.

One week

One week ago, I woke up feeling good. Feeling full of energy, happiness, and life.

One week ago I was pregnant.

One week ago, I lost my baby.

I'm struggling right now. I didn't cry Friday or Saturday. I think I was too numb, and in too much physical shock to cry. Ever since Sunday, I've been crying. I sit in my office at work and cry. I cry myself to sleep. I went to bed last night feeling at peace, woke up the same way, and said to my husband that maybe I wouldn't cry today. 1 minute ago I just broke down and sobbed.

I miss my baby. I want him back.

I am scared for the future. How do you get the courage and hope needed to try this again?

I'm trying to move forward little by little. I've made my WTF appointment for 10/1. I made an appointment for the psychologist in the RE's office for next Wednesday. I am trying to focus on getting myself healthy. I've lost almost 10 pounds so far, and I'm planning on joining Weight Watchers on Sunday. I'm reading The Fertility Diet, and will try to incorporate some of those strategies into my plan. I've been walking my dog, trying to engage my mind, and making plans for the fall. My husband, my family, friends, and my boss have been incredibly wonderful and supportive. I am leaning on them quite heavily.

I still feel a bit of peace today. I know that time is healing. I know my baby is in Heaven right now. I know I have an Angel Baby, and that gives me comfort. I also know that God will bless me one day by allowing me to be a mommy. And, I know that my husband has promised to make that happen one way or the other.

I still miss my baby though, and probably always will.

Back to work tomorrow

I've been laying low at home since Friday, but tomorrow I head back to work. I'm kind of both dreading it and glad to be going. I'm hoping it's really busy with unimportant work to keep my mind occupied.

I'm dreading it because I can hardly bear for my husband to be out of the room for 5 minutes, and now I'll have to be away from him for 9 whole hours. I'm dreading it because the last time I got dressed for work, my baby was still alive. And, a few short hours later, he died. I'm dreading it because I can't make myself do anything and now I have to put on a good and brave face at work.

Thankfully, the people I work with are being super cool. It's funny, I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant because I didn't want to have to tell them that I miscarried. I wouldn't let my mom tell anyone either. Now that I miscarried, my mom told my home family, the lady at the grocery store, her friends, everyone. And, I'm the same way. Everyone at work, who I didn't want to know I was pregnant, all know I miscarried. At the same time I don't want to talk about it, I want to talk about it with everyone.

I made an appointment with my RE for a WTF consultation. I have a list of questions for him, and I hope to make some decisions on when to try again and what plan to put into place. I'm moving forward, barely and with a heavy heart.

I spent my whole morning crying. I'm hopeful that I can pull it together tomorrow.

Oh, here's the grief

The grief train has hit me like a ton of bricks today. I sat on the couch this morning sobbing hysterically. My dog, instead of being comforting, started barking at me. Awesome. My husband and I sat there together and held each other while we cried for our baby. That's how it's been off and on all day today.

We've been trying to figure out how to memorialize this pregnancy. I've purchased myself a pendant I found out etsy to remember a lost pregnancy and a super long chain so I can wear it close to my heart. I think I'm going to make a collage or something to keep in a private place with the few mementos that we have - the embryo picture prior to transfer and the picture from our 6 1/2 week ultrasound. I'm not sure what my husband is going to do.

I feel like I'm living in a horror show. Everything is such bullshit, and I don't care about anything. I so want to have a baby and I'm so afraid that I won't, but I need the hope right now. I was just at my parents for dinner, and my dad went on for 15 minutes about adoption. That almost killed me right now. I still see my baby, like I last saw him on the ultrasound on Friday morning.

I can't make any decisions right now. I can barely function today. I was proud of myself for showering. I'm taking off Monday and Tuesday for sure. Tomorrow I'm going to spend with my mom, and I'm hoping that's not a mistake.

I'm sure this is a very rambling post.

7 weeks 3 days - miscarriage

I'm empty and barren. Yesterday was very traumatic, but this morning, I can't even cry. I'm sad, but just feel - empty.

As I was getting ready for work yesterday, I started to feel cramps. I had to lay down while blow drying my hair. I went to the bathroom - and again, a huge flow of bright red blood. I finished getting dressed, and we decided that my husband would drive me to the clinic - which is near my office - and I'd go in and call when I was done.

They did an ultrasound, and there was my baby, heart beating away. He looked so much bigger than when I saw him on Tuesday. The doctor thought he saw a blood vessel nearby that was bleeding, and I was sent home. They told me that this was strange that it was so separate from the pregnancy, and that it sometimes happens, and that there was a good chance things would still be fine.

I didn't get very far as I started to feel light headed, so they put me in another room to lay down, they called my husband and had him come over, and they fed me some juice.

We went home, and things started to get dicey. Every 15 minutes I was bleeding through a thick pad, going to the bathroom, passing a clot, and then needed help to get to the couch. I called the doctor back, and he had me come back in. They weren't sure what they were going to do with me.

We drove back to the hospital. As we were trying to walk from the car, I almost passed out a couple of times. We had to stop and sit down. I finally got to the clinic and they took me back. My doctor didn't start with an ultrasound for some reason. I think he said that everything looked so good this morning, that they were looking for the source of bleeding.

He started off by putting pressure on my cervix - not fun. The bleeding didn't stop. My doctor was discussing admitting me at this point. I heard him discussing my case with the other attendings in the hallway. Two attendings came back in and did a doppler to look for sources of bleeding. They found a few, but then they also discovered that the baby was no longer there. That perfect little baby I saw this morning was gone.

They scheduled me for a D&C right there in the office. I'm empty.

My special little secret is gone. I'm not as devastated as I thought I'd be, but I am mourning all the hope I had for this baby. I'm trying to figure out how to move forward, and think that I need to take a break. I'm sure in the next weeks I'll make some decisions. I'll try IVF again as my insurance will pay for two more cycles.