Life, or Just a Dress Rehersal?

In contemplating the adoption option, M and I have discussed many different scenarios.  One tool that we have been using is to "try on" different outcomes.  We've decided to imagine how our lives would be if we were parenting a toddler, a school-aged child, twins, a biological infant, an adopted infant, and children of different races.  During these try outs, I've tried to imagine myself in different scenarios and picture what I would do, say, act like, feel like if I was living out this situation.  It has really helped us to fine tune our decision making process into what "type" of child we would be comfortable parenting, and has helped us to get used to situations that might be different or uncomfortable.

Another options to contemplate, and one I've been a bit afraid to consider fully, is the "child-free" option.  What would my life be like if we were child free.  I've been thinking about that option a bit lately, and it scares me a bit to realize how easily I could picture the choices I would make and the things I would do.  I think we'd live downtown, rather than the suburbs.  We'd travel - and go to Europe - preferably when an unpronounceable volcano isn't mucking up traffic and air quality.  Maybe we'd save our money for a vacation home (rather than a college fund).  I wonder if we'd make different career choices?  I think I would take more chances and explore the unfamiliar a bit.

Sometimes, it scares me with how exciting and carefree this life feels.  It would be so easy to give up and this child free life sounds kind of fun.  Then, I think further down the road.  When we're 50.  What will life be like then?  When we're 80?  Who is going to invite us for the holidays?  Will we always be the aunt and uncle who don't have anywhere to go?  Who will help me clean my apartment when I'm 82 and cannot see the dirt any longer?  Whose photos will I display on the wall?  Who will I tell my "when I was your age" stories to?  Who will get my scrapbooks and my collected family memories that I've been cherishing?  Whose wedding will I cry at?  Whose baby will I dream of and long to hold?  Who will miss me when I'm gone?

I contemplate and think and plan and wonder.  And, I realize, that I've lived the child-free life, and it isn't that exciting.  I shouldn't hold back on living now, and if I really am doing so, then I need to STOP.  And, I believe that child free living isn't for me.  I want it all.

I'm more than just an Infertile woman - the 3 Changes Challenge

I'm not gonna lie, I've been struggling lately.  I often have an "all or nothing" approach to life.  I'm in or I'm out.  That extends to relationships, crafts, my home, work, fitness, infertility and adoption.  In or out.  Lately, I've been half in the infertility world (do I do another cycle?  consider donor eggs), half in the adoption world (which agency? when), half into fitness (must lose weight for another IVF cycle, want to lose weight at a reasonable pace and KEEP IT OFF, who cares I feel crappy, so I want comfort food), and half into making my house more of a home.  In or out.  And, I hate it.  All or nothing doesn't get me very far.  I end up depressed, upset at not meeting my goals, and often, starting over again.  I'm trying to change that and live a more balanced life.

I'm more than just my infertility, and I'm going to start using this space to figure that out too.  In the end, I think it will make me a happier person, and make it so that I'm better able to deal with the curve balls thrown my way.

I've been trying to get into running again.  Back a few years ago, I was into running to the point where I ran the Chicago Marathon in 2006.  I enjoyed running alot.  But, again with the all or nothing, it was Marathon training our couch sitting for me.  I ended up sitting on the couch for quite a bit of time, doing NOTHING, gaining weight, and losing fitness.  I'm back to square one again, and trying to get to a healthy place with diet and fitness.  It is time to do this FOR ME.  Not because I want a baby, but because I want to live my life.

My sister has connected me to all of these wonderful blogs on fitness and crafts and fun stuff.  I've found this blog by Amanda called Run to the Finish.  She is having a 3 Changes Challenge and I am participating!  Basically, she is challenging us to pick three small or large goals that you can change or achieve over the next 30 days that can help you break through a plateau.  Sounds like what I need!  I've decided to focus on diet and exercise and getting over the "all or nothing."  My goals are:

1. Run 4 days a week for at least 10 minutes.  I hope to do more, but this will at least ensure that I can fit it in as scheduled, and that I'm at least doing SOMETHING!  I hope to use this to make running a habit and a lifestyle change.

2. Do 10 push-ups and 10 sit-ups 4 days a week.  Again, with strength training, I'm either doing NOTHING or an hour long workout.  I am hoping to build a habit of strength training.

3. Log my calories into My Daily Plate.  I am always either on or off a diet.  I want to build a habit of monitoring my calories every day, whether I'm eating according to a diet plan or going on a McDonald's binge.  I think it will help me in the long-run to develop some healthy eating habits along the way.

I will still talk about infertility and my adoption journey, but I need to shift my focus a bit.  I'm hoping that my regular supporters stay with me on this journey, and I hope to make some new friends along the way!

Unsettled

Today is our one year IVF anniversary.  A year ago, M and I had our first shot class and orientation work-up for IVF.  A year ago, I assumed that I'd have resolution by now.  I was hopeful.

I've been noticing that I'm feeling more and more unsettled lately.  I think that all of this stress and ambiguity is affecting me in surprising ways.  I am on edge and feeling burnt out.  I'm a lunatic with unfinished projects.  On occasion, I'll just completely lose it with M because something wasn't done the way I wanted.  I want to control everything and nothing.  I've been having crazy dreams.  The past two days, I've woken up after a crazy dream and have felt "off" for a good portion of the day.  Last night, I had a dream that M was cheating on me with someone named Amanda.  It felt so real.  When I woke up this morning, I honestly couldn't convince myself that it was just a dream.  I had to call M into the room and ask him. 

It is to the point that I am having a hard time living with myself.  I'm making MYSELF crazy.  Poor M.  I'm not sure how he is putting up with me right now.  It can't be fun.

I wish I could say that one year from now things will be much better, but I can't.  One year from now, I could easily be in the same place as I am today.  There are no guarantees that I'll get resolution to our infertility ever - much less in one year's time.

On the outside looking in

I work in administration in a hospital.  During the course of my professional life, I often talk about medical procedures involving childbirth, miscarriages, tubal ligations, epidurals, c-sections, etc.  I also often talk about the patients undergoing those procedures.  Additionally, I also work most closely with 3 women who have all had their own children and are currently parenting (although one is the parent of two adopted children, which helps).  Today, at work, I had one of those moments where I felt left out and like I wasn't part of the club.  And, I hated it.  Everyone was laughing about how a woman should know what they are getting into with their second pregnancy and delivery, and how childbirth could be traumatic, and raising children is traumatic because you are lacking sleep and may be feeling that things are different that you expected, etc.  Everyone was laughing and sharing their war stories.  And I...I was politely smiling while flinching on the inside.  I want war stories too.  I want to be part of the club, a member of the secret society, and one of the insiders.

The In-Between

Time has really been flying lately.  My husband and I have done a lot of adoption investigating and soul searching about what family planning route to take.  It's been a bit tough lately, but I feel like we're finally on the other side. 

Personally, I want to do another IVF cycle.  Having a miscarriage was HORRIBLE, and I definitely don't want a repeat of that.  But, I would go through that pain over and over and over again if it meant that I would have even a chance of having a baby.  I lost the baby at 7 weeks, 3 days, but for that short amount of time (really, 3 weeks or so), I felt that there was a baby inside of me.  I knew that our child was there.  To me, the pain of losing the baby was worth even that fleeting feeling of being a mom.  I know it doesn't make sense, but to me it is worth it.  We are currently planning on trying IVF once more this summer.  If that doesn't succeed, I think we will likely pack it in and move on to other things.  I plan on meeting with Dr. B in late spring or early summer and putting it all on the line for him then.

I invited myself to my brother's house tomorrow so that I can play with the 5 year old and hold the baby.  I need a baby fix and that will surely do the trick!