Welcome all from ICLW! I am so glad that I've decided to participate this month. I'm connecting with new bloggers, which is great as I try to expand my blog reader to find other prospective adoptive families. I thought that, rather than do a big rehash of where we've been in our journey, I'd talk a little bit about where we are now.
M and I are currently looking into options for adoption. After a lot of investigation, I believe that we have settled on open domestic adoption. It excites me that we'll get to have a baby. We are so fortunate to live in Chicago as there are many resources available. We've had informational meetings with 4 local agencies. Additionally, I have a personal connection to an adoptive family for three of the agencies.
So, let me tell you about the last informational session we went to last week. It was the biggest sales pitch and worst customer service from an adoption agency that I have seen yet. I have only just dipped my toe into the adoption pool, but I find that I have very strong feelings about what I think is ethical. This agency pushed that envelope - big time. I believe that as a prospective adoptive mom, I need to be well informed and educated. So, like a good girl, I consulted my favorite ALI website and printed a list of the 20 questions to ask when interviewing an adoption agency. We scheduled a 30 minute informational session during this agencies open house. I sat down, and after a few minutes of small talk, we started going through my questions. The social worker was vague. Vague to the point that M was angrier than I've ever seen him. As the conversation continued, the social worker continued to evade questions, and was trying to rush us along. She kept saying that most of these questions would be answered at the informational sessions which are more in depth. She did go on about how successful they were in placing children, but then went on to take credit for the directed placements they helped to facilitate - other agencies excluded those as they didn't feel that they were an accurate description of their placements.
So, after she basically pushed us out the door, I asked what the next steps were (knowing that what I was thinking was that I'm never coming near this place again). Apparently, there is a session where I can pay $350 and get ALL my questions answered. And, after that, I should be informed enough to decide if I want to move forward with this agency. I was horrified. M was livid. We both felt that they were preying on us, and, despite the fact that they were a non profit, were only in it for the money. And, I can't actually figure out what they used the money for since the agency didn't even provide birth mother expenses. The other agencies we've explored, including the big giant FOR PROFIT adoption law firm were more than happy to answer as many questions as we wanted, as often as we wanted - FOR FREE.
Needless to say, we won't be using them. We hope to figure out definitively our plan in the next month or so, and sign with an agency later this summer. That will give us time to get some more funds together, and will also allow for me to survive a super busy time at work.
Showing posts with label Adoption Option. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adoption Option. Show all posts
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Life, or Just a Dress Rehersal?
In contemplating the adoption option, M and I have discussed many different scenarios. One tool that we have been using is to "try on" different outcomes. We've decided to imagine how our lives would be if we were parenting a toddler, a school-aged child, twins, a biological infant, an adopted infant, and children of different races. During these try outs, I've tried to imagine myself in different scenarios and picture what I would do, say, act like, feel like if I was living out this situation. It has really helped us to fine tune our decision making process into what "type" of child we would be comfortable parenting, and has helped us to get used to situations that might be different or uncomfortable.
Another options to contemplate, and one I've been a bit afraid to consider fully, is the "child-free" option. What would my life be like if we were child free. I've been thinking about that option a bit lately, and it scares me a bit to realize how easily I could picture the choices I would make and the things I would do. I think we'd live downtown, rather than the suburbs. We'd travel - and go to Europe - preferably when an unpronounceable volcano isn't mucking up traffic and air quality. Maybe we'd save our money for a vacation home (rather than a college fund). I wonder if we'd make different career choices? I think I would take more chances and explore the unfamiliar a bit.
Sometimes, it scares me with how exciting and carefree this life feels. It would be so easy to give up and this child free life sounds kind of fun. Then, I think further down the road. When we're 50. What will life be like then? When we're 80? Who is going to invite us for the holidays? Will we always be the aunt and uncle who don't have anywhere to go? Who will help me clean my apartment when I'm 82 and cannot see the dirt any longer? Whose photos will I display on the wall? Who will I tell my "when I was your age" stories to? Who will get my scrapbooks and my collected family memories that I've been cherishing? Whose wedding will I cry at? Whose baby will I dream of and long to hold? Who will miss me when I'm gone?
I contemplate and think and plan and wonder. And, I realize, that I've lived the child-free life, and it isn't that exciting. I shouldn't hold back on living now, and if I really am doing so, then I need to STOP. And, I believe that child free living isn't for me. I want it all.
Another options to contemplate, and one I've been a bit afraid to consider fully, is the "child-free" option. What would my life be like if we were child free. I've been thinking about that option a bit lately, and it scares me a bit to realize how easily I could picture the choices I would make and the things I would do. I think we'd live downtown, rather than the suburbs. We'd travel - and go to Europe - preferably when an unpronounceable volcano isn't mucking up traffic and air quality. Maybe we'd save our money for a vacation home (rather than a college fund). I wonder if we'd make different career choices? I think I would take more chances and explore the unfamiliar a bit.
Sometimes, it scares me with how exciting and carefree this life feels. It would be so easy to give up and this child free life sounds kind of fun. Then, I think further down the road. When we're 50. What will life be like then? When we're 80? Who is going to invite us for the holidays? Will we always be the aunt and uncle who don't have anywhere to go? Who will help me clean my apartment when I'm 82 and cannot see the dirt any longer? Whose photos will I display on the wall? Who will I tell my "when I was your age" stories to? Who will get my scrapbooks and my collected family memories that I've been cherishing? Whose wedding will I cry at? Whose baby will I dream of and long to hold? Who will miss me when I'm gone?
I contemplate and think and plan and wonder. And, I realize, that I've lived the child-free life, and it isn't that exciting. I shouldn't hold back on living now, and if I really am doing so, then I need to STOP. And, I believe that child free living isn't for me. I want it all.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Feeling Peace
I'm so fortunate to live where I live and have so many adoption options to explore. Last weekend, M and I went to the home of a work acquaintance who had recently adopted a daughter through domestic adoption. I don't know D. very well, but we had talked last summer when he adopted his daughter. He is just the nicest guy, and he so kindly invited M and I to his home to meet his baby and hear about his adoption experience. It was great - and especially great for M to have an adoptive father he could talk to about all of this. D is a single father, and has an open adoption with the baby's mother. He had nothing but good things to say about his adoption experience, and it made us feel so hopeful.
Additionally, the husband of a woman I work with is the president of the board of another local adoption agency. She referred me to this agency, and so far it is at the top of our list. I like them because they are flexible with what they allow you to do, don't force you to go through a bunch of counseling on your marriage and fertility issues before you are allowed to adopt, and will even give you their blessing to continue to pursue fertility treatments while pursuing adoption. I like that - my goal is to become a mother - one way or the other.
And, finally, my new sister-in-law used to work at another local adoption agency as an intern. So, we have that introductory meeting scheduled in the next few weeks.
I'm starting to feel at peace about this whole adoption process and almost excited that one day, one way, maybe way far into the future, I'll get to be a mom. I am planning a last ditch IVF cycle this summer, and if that doesn't work, I'm all in for adoption. Once I turn in our adoption packet (and my big, fat check), I'm even going to start knitting a baby blanket and booties. For hope. Because everyone knows a baby can't be born until their knitting is done.
Additionally, the husband of a woman I work with is the president of the board of another local adoption agency. She referred me to this agency, and so far it is at the top of our list. I like them because they are flexible with what they allow you to do, don't force you to go through a bunch of counseling on your marriage and fertility issues before you are allowed to adopt, and will even give you their blessing to continue to pursue fertility treatments while pursuing adoption. I like that - my goal is to become a mother - one way or the other.
And, finally, my new sister-in-law used to work at another local adoption agency as an intern. So, we have that introductory meeting scheduled in the next few weeks.
I'm starting to feel at peace about this whole adoption process and almost excited that one day, one way, maybe way far into the future, I'll get to be a mom. I am planning a last ditch IVF cycle this summer, and if that doesn't work, I'm all in for adoption. Once I turn in our adoption packet (and my big, fat check), I'm even going to start knitting a baby blanket and booties. For hope. Because everyone knows a baby can't be born until their knitting is done.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Getting my Learn On
I've been cramming in adoption knowledge lately. I think we've pretty much ruled out international adoption (see previous post about the crazies). So, we are trying to change our mind set and learn as much as possible about domestic adoption as possible. Our goal is to have an agency picked out by mid-April some time.
On Wednesday, M and I partook in a webinar for one of the agencies in our city. It was super boring and took way longer than it needed too. But, after getting through that pain, we realized that we learned alot. They are a really experienced agency, but I did have a "corporate" feeling about them.
I've also been reaching out to other people that I know who have adopted, and that has turned into a wealth of information. One of the physicians I work with has two adopted daughters, so I asked her what agency she worked with. It turns out that her husband is the president of the Board of Directors of this agency. She offered to sit down with us once we have some of our questions answered and talk about the process. At which point I started to cry. So, we are going to their informational session this coming Wednesday. So far, I have a good feeling about this agency. They seem to want us to become a family, no matter what we need to go through. In fact, unlike Agency #1, they don't prohibit continuing fertility treatments, getting pregnant on our own, or trying anything else. I like that. But, we'll see how we feel after the informational session.
I've also sent away for a bunch of information on foster-adoption from the Dave Thomas Foundation (Thanks, Frau! - by the way, I'd love to e-mail you, but I can't find your e-mail address).
Next week, M and I are meeting with a nurse I work with who recently adopted a daughter last year as a single father. He actually used Agency #1. So, M and I are headed to his home next Sunday to talk about the process and meet his daughter. I think that's so generous of him, and great for M since so much that I've read is geared toward the adoptive mothers. Also, this guy's daughter is African American and he is white, so I'm curious to learn more about trans-racial adoption.
Finally, I have the phone number of my father's co-worked who adopted several girls from China. I plan on calling them and seeing if we can meet with them to talk about their experiences.
People are being so generous. I am still learning and reaching out and trying to put together a new and expanded community to help through this adoption journey.
I still am not giving up on IVF, though. I've actually discovered something really basic that could possibly be impacting my cycles. This sounds stupid and elementary, so I wonder what you all have to say about it. I have always "spotted" for 2 or 3 days before I started a heavy flow of menstruation. I never thought anything of it and didn't know it was "bad" until I was asking Dr. Google about spotting when I was pregnant, which is when I discovered that this isn't normal and could be a sign of things being hormonally out of whack. On top of that, when I've done IVF, I've always started the BCPs with the first sign of blood, so 2 or 3 days before I actually started bleeding. So, I wonder if that matters? I hope to meet with Dr. B and discuss it with him before I make any decisions.
This next month or so will be pretty busy, and I like that. I am ready to make a decision and start this next journey.
And, finally, I want to explore donor eggs. I've asked M to start thinking about it. I'm not sure if that is the right decision for us, and I sort of doubt that Dr. B will give me the green light on that right now since he still thinks I could possibly have a baby with my own eggs. But, I think it is something I should look into.
On Wednesday, M and I partook in a webinar for one of the agencies in our city. It was super boring and took way longer than it needed too. But, after getting through that pain, we realized that we learned alot. They are a really experienced agency, but I did have a "corporate" feeling about them.
I've also been reaching out to other people that I know who have adopted, and that has turned into a wealth of information. One of the physicians I work with has two adopted daughters, so I asked her what agency she worked with. It turns out that her husband is the president of the Board of Directors of this agency. She offered to sit down with us once we have some of our questions answered and talk about the process. At which point I started to cry. So, we are going to their informational session this coming Wednesday. So far, I have a good feeling about this agency. They seem to want us to become a family, no matter what we need to go through. In fact, unlike Agency #1, they don't prohibit continuing fertility treatments, getting pregnant on our own, or trying anything else. I like that. But, we'll see how we feel after the informational session.
I've also sent away for a bunch of information on foster-adoption from the Dave Thomas Foundation (Thanks, Frau! - by the way, I'd love to e-mail you, but I can't find your e-mail address).
Next week, M and I are meeting with a nurse I work with who recently adopted a daughter last year as a single father. He actually used Agency #1. So, M and I are headed to his home next Sunday to talk about the process and meet his daughter. I think that's so generous of him, and great for M since so much that I've read is geared toward the adoptive mothers. Also, this guy's daughter is African American and he is white, so I'm curious to learn more about trans-racial adoption.
Finally, I have the phone number of my father's co-worked who adopted several girls from China. I plan on calling them and seeing if we can meet with them to talk about their experiences.
People are being so generous. I am still learning and reaching out and trying to put together a new and expanded community to help through this adoption journey.
I still am not giving up on IVF, though. I've actually discovered something really basic that could possibly be impacting my cycles. This sounds stupid and elementary, so I wonder what you all have to say about it. I have always "spotted" for 2 or 3 days before I started a heavy flow of menstruation. I never thought anything of it and didn't know it was "bad" until I was asking Dr. Google about spotting when I was pregnant, which is when I discovered that this isn't normal and could be a sign of things being hormonally out of whack. On top of that, when I've done IVF, I've always started the BCPs with the first sign of blood, so 2 or 3 days before I actually started bleeding. So, I wonder if that matters? I hope to meet with Dr. B and discuss it with him before I make any decisions.
This next month or so will be pretty busy, and I like that. I am ready to make a decision and start this next journey.
And, finally, I want to explore donor eggs. I've asked M to start thinking about it. I'm not sure if that is the right decision for us, and I sort of doubt that Dr. B will give me the green light on that right now since he still thinks I could possibly have a baby with my own eggs. But, I think it is something I should look into.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Angry and Frustrated
Warning - there will be venting. This isn't pretty folks.
There will be no miracle baby for me. I got my period this morning. I knew better than to think that I could get pregnant the old fashioned way.
I am feeling very frustrated and angry today. I want to scream and cry and stomp my feet and shout that this isn't fair. And, it isn't fair. I should be able to get pregnant like a normal human, but I can't. Adoption seems so complicated - and unfair as well. So far, I've discovered (or fear) that several options in adoption may be closed to us because we are too fat, or too crazy, or not religious enough, or too unwilling to move to Kazakhtan for 2 months. If I ever hear anyone say "just adopt" again, I may pop them.
I feel frantic. I feel like I NEED to find a solution RIGHT NOW. I need some positive forward progress. And, it all feels like too much right now. The frenzy I feel is not good and makes me wonder if I'll have the strength for this long road ahead. Google is just as bad when you are considering adoption as when you are frantically searching for the solution to your infertility problems. Sometimes I wonder if we would be better off childless, but then I want to cry. Is it so much to ask to just be a mom?
I'm not sure what the right answer will be for us. Right now, I want someone to tell me what it is so that I can take a deep breath. And, I'm really hoping that some calm and clarity settle in soon and that at least some of this frenzy is related to the fact that I do have my period.
There will be no miracle baby for me. I got my period this morning. I knew better than to think that I could get pregnant the old fashioned way.
I am feeling very frustrated and angry today. I want to scream and cry and stomp my feet and shout that this isn't fair. And, it isn't fair. I should be able to get pregnant like a normal human, but I can't. Adoption seems so complicated - and unfair as well. So far, I've discovered (or fear) that several options in adoption may be closed to us because we are too fat, or too crazy, or not religious enough, or too unwilling to move to Kazakhtan for 2 months. If I ever hear anyone say "just adopt" again, I may pop them.
I feel frantic. I feel like I NEED to find a solution RIGHT NOW. I need some positive forward progress. And, it all feels like too much right now. The frenzy I feel is not good and makes me wonder if I'll have the strength for this long road ahead. Google is just as bad when you are considering adoption as when you are frantically searching for the solution to your infertility problems. Sometimes I wonder if we would be better off childless, but then I want to cry. Is it so much to ask to just be a mom?
I'm not sure what the right answer will be for us. Right now, I want someone to tell me what it is so that I can take a deep breath. And, I'm really hoping that some calm and clarity settle in soon and that at least some of this frenzy is related to the fact that I do have my period.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Healing and contemplating the adoption option
I've been pretty ok since my big disappointment last week. Surprisingly, I"m not sad just disappointed. I'm still living in the faith that I will be a mom one day, one way. My husband and I spent some time this weekend reconnecting and contemplating our options. I've jumped right back on the Weight Watchers and exercise bandwagon. I think I just need Dr. B to call me every couple of months and tell me to lose weight in his calming and non-judgemental way. I swear, nothing gets me on program like someone telling me that I need to lose weight in order to have a baby!
We've been seriously contemplating the adoption option. Seriously to the point where I think that might be our next step. I've been researching programs and agencies and starting to make a financial plan to make it happen. My family has been awesome. I have two brothers and a sister (and a mom and dad). My siblings are all married as well. I didn't want to have to retell my story to all 8 of them, so I talked to my Mom, Dad, and sister and sent a mass e-mail to the rest of the gang telling them what happened and asking them to think about and open their hearts to the possibility that their niece or nephew may be adopted and of a different race than they are. Each of them sent me a wonderfully supportive e-mail. They all expressed that they would love our child no matter what. I cried (and my Mom cried because, naturally, they all hit "reply all" when they responded!).
Additionally, my Mom and Dad have given us a wonderful gift. Mom has said that if we adopt she would volunteer to provide childcare for the first year. The savings in the alone would help us pay for half of the adoption. This is pretty amazing for her to do. I would never ask or expect that my Mom babysit - she has her own life. But, if she did this for us, it would make the adoption option so much more feasible.
So, now I'm obsessed with researching adoption. This weekend, my husband and I plan on making a financial plan to be able to afford the cash layout needed for adoption and hopefully we'll schedule an informational meeting with an agency or two.
I am struggling a bit with feeling at lose ends and not having anything to look forward to. I was like this after my first failed IVF last summer. So, I'm working on coming up with some personal goals to help myself move forward - books to read, knitting challenges, home projects, etc. It helps me mentally to have goals and a way to mark the time.
I'll keep you posted. I haven't ruled out pursuing IVF again. I'm not sure if we'll do that this summer, or if we will go full steam ahead on adoption and "reserve" IVF for an attempt at a second child. We shall see.
We've been seriously contemplating the adoption option. Seriously to the point where I think that might be our next step. I've been researching programs and agencies and starting to make a financial plan to make it happen. My family has been awesome. I have two brothers and a sister (and a mom and dad). My siblings are all married as well. I didn't want to have to retell my story to all 8 of them, so I talked to my Mom, Dad, and sister and sent a mass e-mail to the rest of the gang telling them what happened and asking them to think about and open their hearts to the possibility that their niece or nephew may be adopted and of a different race than they are. Each of them sent me a wonderfully supportive e-mail. They all expressed that they would love our child no matter what. I cried (and my Mom cried because, naturally, they all hit "reply all" when they responded!).
Additionally, my Mom and Dad have given us a wonderful gift. Mom has said that if we adopt she would volunteer to provide childcare for the first year. The savings in the alone would help us pay for half of the adoption. This is pretty amazing for her to do. I would never ask or expect that my Mom babysit - she has her own life. But, if she did this for us, it would make the adoption option so much more feasible.
So, now I'm obsessed with researching adoption. This weekend, my husband and I plan on making a financial plan to be able to afford the cash layout needed for adoption and hopefully we'll schedule an informational meeting with an agency or two.
I am struggling a bit with feeling at lose ends and not having anything to look forward to. I was like this after my first failed IVF last summer. So, I'm working on coming up with some personal goals to help myself move forward - books to read, knitting challenges, home projects, etc. It helps me mentally to have goals and a way to mark the time.
I'll keep you posted. I haven't ruled out pursuing IVF again. I'm not sure if we'll do that this summer, or if we will go full steam ahead on adoption and "reserve" IVF for an attempt at a second child. We shall see.
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