Craft-tastic!

Yesterday, I had painters scheduled to come to paint one of our bedrooms (incidently, the bedroom that will one day become the baby's room one day.  It's a wreck!).  I hate being at home when workers are in the house, so I escaped to my sisters for the day.  We had a big day planned of shopping, lunch, and crafting.

As always, I had a great time.  It is so wonderful to have someone who is always there for me and always makes me laugh.  We went to the craft stores and stocked up on supplies as well as vegetable seeds, went out for buffalo wings, and walked her loony dog before we settled down and made the cutest (in my opinion) Burlap Spring Wreaths.  So much fun!  Here is some photographic evidence for you...

My sister working on her wreath.

My finished wreath.

S. with both finished wreaths.

On the outside looking in

I work in administration in a hospital.  During the course of my professional life, I often talk about medical procedures involving childbirth, miscarriages, tubal ligations, epidurals, c-sections, etc.  I also often talk about the patients undergoing those procedures.  Additionally, I also work most closely with 3 women who have all had their own children and are currently parenting (although one is the parent of two adopted children, which helps).  Today, at work, I had one of those moments where I felt left out and like I wasn't part of the club.  And, I hated it.  Everyone was laughing about how a woman should know what they are getting into with their second pregnancy and delivery, and how childbirth could be traumatic, and raising children is traumatic because you are lacking sleep and may be feeling that things are different that you expected, etc.  Everyone was laughing and sharing their war stories.  And I...I was politely smiling while flinching on the inside.  I want war stories too.  I want to be part of the club, a member of the secret society, and one of the insiders.

Feeling Peace

I'm so fortunate to live where I live and have so many adoption options to explore.  Last weekend, M and I went to the home of a work acquaintance who had recently adopted a daughter through domestic adoption.  I don't know D. very well, but we had talked last summer when he adopted his daughter.  He is just the nicest guy, and he so kindly invited M and I to his home to meet his baby and hear about his adoption experience.  It was great - and especially great for M to have an adoptive father he could talk to about all of this.  D is a single father, and has an open adoption with the baby's mother.  He had nothing but good things to say about his adoption experience, and it made us feel so hopeful.

Additionally, the husband of a woman I work with is the president of the board of another local adoption agency.  She referred me to this agency, and so far it is at the top of our list.  I like them because they are flexible with what they allow you to do, don't force you to go through a bunch of counseling on your marriage and fertility issues before you are allowed to adopt, and will even give you their blessing to continue to pursue fertility treatments while pursuing adoption.  I like that - my goal is to become a mother - one way or the other.

And, finally, my new sister-in-law used to work at another local adoption agency as an intern.  So, we have that introductory meeting scheduled in the next few weeks. 

I'm starting to feel at peace about this whole adoption process and almost excited that one day, one way, maybe way far into the future, I'll get to be a mom.  I am planning a last ditch IVF cycle this summer, and if that doesn't work, I'm all in for adoption.  Once I turn in our adoption packet (and my big, fat check), I'm even going to start knitting a baby blanket and booties.  For hope.  Because everyone knows a baby can't be born until their knitting is done.

The In-Between

Time has really been flying lately.  My husband and I have done a lot of adoption investigating and soul searching about what family planning route to take.  It's been a bit tough lately, but I feel like we're finally on the other side. 

Personally, I want to do another IVF cycle.  Having a miscarriage was HORRIBLE, and I definitely don't want a repeat of that.  But, I would go through that pain over and over and over again if it meant that I would have even a chance of having a baby.  I lost the baby at 7 weeks, 3 days, but for that short amount of time (really, 3 weeks or so), I felt that there was a baby inside of me.  I knew that our child was there.  To me, the pain of losing the baby was worth even that fleeting feeling of being a mom.  I know it doesn't make sense, but to me it is worth it.  We are currently planning on trying IVF once more this summer.  If that doesn't succeed, I think we will likely pack it in and move on to other things.  I plan on meeting with Dr. B in late spring or early summer and putting it all on the line for him then.

I invited myself to my brother's house tomorrow so that I can play with the 5 year old and hold the baby.  I need a baby fix and that will surely do the trick!

Getting my Learn On

I've been cramming in adoption knowledge lately.  I think we've pretty much ruled out international adoption (see previous post about the crazies).  So, we are trying to change our mind set and learn as much as possible about domestic adoption as possible.  Our goal is to have an agency picked out by mid-April some time. 

On Wednesday, M and I partook in a webinar for one of the agencies in our city.  It was super boring and took way longer than it needed too.  But, after getting through that pain, we realized that we learned alot.  They are a really experienced agency, but I did have a "corporate" feeling about them.

I've also been reaching out to other people that I know who have adopted, and that has turned into a wealth of information.  One of the physicians I work with has two adopted daughters, so I asked her what agency she worked with.  It turns out that her husband is the president of the Board of Directors of this agency.  She offered to sit down with us once we have some of our questions answered and talk about the process.  At which point I started to cry.  So, we are going to their informational session this coming Wednesday.  So far, I have a good feeling about this agency.  They seem to want us to become a family, no matter what we need to go through.  In fact, unlike Agency #1, they don't prohibit continuing fertility treatments, getting pregnant on our own, or trying anything else.  I like that.  But, we'll see how we feel after the informational session.

I've also sent away for a bunch of information on foster-adoption from the Dave Thomas Foundation (Thanks, Frau! - by the way, I'd love to e-mail you, but I can't find your e-mail address).

Next week, M and I are meeting with a nurse I work with who recently adopted a daughter last year as a single father.  He actually used Agency #1.  So, M and I are headed to his home next Sunday to talk about the process and meet his daughter.  I think that's so generous of him, and great for M since so much that I've read is geared toward the adoptive mothers.  Also, this guy's daughter is African American and he is white, so I'm curious to learn more about trans-racial adoption. 

Finally, I have the phone number of my father's co-worked who adopted several girls from China.  I plan on calling them and seeing if we can meet with them to talk about their experiences.

People are being so generous.  I am still learning and reaching out and trying to put together a new and expanded community to help through this adoption journey.

I still am not giving up on IVF, though.  I've actually discovered something really basic that could possibly be impacting my cycles.  This sounds stupid and elementary, so I wonder what you all have to say about it.  I have always "spotted" for 2 or 3 days before I started a heavy flow of menstruation.  I never thought anything of it and didn't know it was "bad" until I was asking Dr. Google about spotting when I was pregnant, which is when I discovered that this isn't normal and could be a sign of things being hormonally out of whack.  On top of that, when I've done IVF, I've always started the BCPs with the first sign of blood, so 2 or 3 days before I actually started bleeding.  So, I wonder if that matters?  I hope to meet with Dr. B and discuss it with him before I make any decisions.

This next month or so will be pretty busy, and I like that.  I am ready to make a decision and start this next journey.
And, finally, I want to explore donor eggs.  I've asked M to start thinking about it.  I'm not sure if that is the right decision for us, and I sort of doubt that Dr. B will give me the green light on that right now since he still thinks I could possibly have a baby with my own eggs.  But, I think it is something I should look into.

Angry and Frustrated

Warning - there will be venting.  This isn't pretty folks.

There will be no miracle baby for me.  I got my period this morning.  I knew better than to think that I could get pregnant the old fashioned way. 

I am feeling very frustrated and angry today.  I want to scream and cry and stomp my feet and shout that this isn't fair.  And, it isn't fair.  I should be able to get pregnant like a normal human, but I can't.  Adoption seems so complicated - and unfair as well.  So far, I've discovered (or fear) that several options in adoption may be closed to us because we are too fat, or too crazy, or not religious enough, or too unwilling to move to Kazakhtan for 2 months.  If I ever hear anyone say "just adopt" again, I may pop them.

I feel frantic.  I feel like I NEED to find a solution RIGHT NOW.  I need some positive forward progress.  And, it all feels like too much right now.  The frenzy I feel is not good and makes me wonder if I'll have the strength for this long road ahead.  Google is just as bad when you are considering adoption as when you are frantically searching for the solution to your infertility problems. Sometimes I wonder if we would be better off childless, but then I want to cry.  Is it so much to ask to just be a mom?

I'm not sure what the right answer will be for us.  Right now, I want someone to tell me what it is so that I can take a deep breath.  And, I'm really hoping that some calm and clarity settle in soon and that at least some of this frenzy is related to the fact that I do have my period.