Sigh...

It just dawned on me that I would have been 19 weeks pregnant tomorrow.  I almost lost it in my office and had a crying breakdown.  I haven't had that happen in quite awhile.

Imagine how my life would be different now if that baby had stuck around. 

Let the Holidays Begin

Our Thanksgiving ended up being ok after-all.  Husband is doing much better, and we were even able to leave the house today and decorate the outside of our home.  It looks so cute!

As I've mentioned, I'm throwing myself into the holidays this year.  I am working on a digital scrapbook to document every day of my holiday activities and memories this year.  So, I've uploaded the page I made for today.  Despite jumping right in, I still have moments where I stop and remember where I should have been if my pregnancy had remained viable.  I should have been finding out the gender soon.  I should have been shopping for a maternity dress for my holiday party and my brother's wedding.  I should have been feeling movement.  I should have been eagerly anticipating the birth of my new niece in the next week or so - and imagining that our children will grow up together.  I should have been celebrating Christmas as a pregnant woman with the knowledge that next Christmas would have me holding a 7 month old.

These wishes and unfulfilled dreams still cut me deeply.  On the outside I'm fine and even happy.  And truthfully, I'm doing really well.  But, I still remember what should have been and it still hurts.  I have many blessings and things to be thankful for right now.  And, I wish and hope that next Christmas will have me counting different blessings, fulfilled dreams, and being thankful for my ultimate wish coming true.

It's a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

My husband is sick with the flu or some bug or something.  I love him, but he is an AWFUL patient.  He's resting comfortably now, and I'm hoping he's getting better.

I hope I don't get sick.  It doesn't look fun.

So, our Thanksgiving plans have changed.  We will be staying home.  I went to the grocery store this afternoon, and bought some stuff to make a sad little Thanksgiving dinner.  We will be having turkey breast, canned gravy, stove top stuffing, grocery store pumpkin pie, refrigerator rolls, and canned green beans.  Sad little Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.

My Holiday Strategy

Last Christmas was rough.  We had just found out about our infertility diagnosis, and I was dwelling on the thought that M and I would be that couple in the family - the one everyone takes pity on at the holidays because they don't have any family of their own.  A year later, I've been through a roller coaster of a year - two IVF cycles, one miscarriage, and a poor prognosis for success. 

Last year, I tried to skip Christmas or at least gloss over it.  It didn't work.  Christmas still happened, and I felt worse for not making the effort to celebrate.  So, this year, I'm trying a new approach.  I'm going all in with Christmas this year.  My Christmas cards are written out, we hung lights outside, I "adopted" a DCFS child to bestow gifts on - the whole works.  I've even convinced my brother's and sisters to stage a surprise skit for Christmas Eve.  (The girls are going to wear red t-shirts that say "HO" on them, and the boys are going to dress as Gangsta Santas.  We're going to do Christmas Carrol raps).  My brother is getting married January 2nd, and my other brother and sister-in-law will be birthing a baby in the next week or so. 

Despite my sorrows and struggles this past year, there is a lot to celebrate.  And, I'm NOT going to wallow in my childlessness.  I'm going to celebrate Christmas and enjoy the season as much as I can.  I'm realistic in that it will not be easy, and there will be some sad times, but I think (and hope) that I'll get out out of what I put into it.  And, this year, I'm putting in the effort.

Vacation!

I just booked a trip to Hawaii for my anniversary.  I am so excited!  My husband and I are heading to Oahu on January 28th to Oahu.  We are staying at the Turtle Bay Resort on the North Shore for 4 nights.  I've you've ever seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall, the movie was set primarily at the Turtle Bay Resort.  After 4 nights, we are heading to Maui where we will be staying at the Hyatt Regency Maui Resort and Spa for three nights.

I've never been to Hawaii before.  In fact, this is basically my dream vacation.  We didn't get a honeymoon, and haven't traveled very extensively at all.  I am SO beyond excited about this trip.  It is really something to look forward to, and I think I'll have fun with the planning as well. 

My husband used to live in Hawaii years ago when he was in the Army, so I think that Oahu is a special place for him and I'm looking forward to learning something more about him after all these years together.  I also have always had it in my mind that we would start a family after we've had the opportunity to take our dream vacation.  Of course, in my mind we would go to paradise and get pregnant on vacation.  We all know that isn't going to happen!

As far as my IVF plans, I am going to schedule a meet up with Dr. B in mid January.  I hope to start BCPs with my period in January, and start stimming when I return from Hawaii.  I think that the timing will work out ok.  If not, I'll put it off until February / March.  I want to do one cycle in the winter, and, if that's not successful, I'll wait until after Mother's Day (and my miscarried baby's due date).  So, I don't mind waiting a bit.  I also need more time to work on my weight loss plans.  To date, I've lost about 30 pounds since I was pregnant.   I want to lose another 10 to 20 pounds before we try again. 

That's my story.  Welcome all ICLWers!

Show and Tell - Shark Cupcakes

As my "regular" readers will know, my husband has been out of town for 4 weeks (coming home only for short weekend visits).  He was on his way home last Friday night, and his birthday was Monday.  I knew we wouldn't be able to celebrate his birthday together, so I planned a surprise.

I recently purchased the book Hello Cupcake, and decided to make him Shark Cupcakes as a birthday surprise.  So, I cut out of work a bit early and stocked up on supplies.  After dinner, I got started with the Shark Cupcake baking.  I made vanilla cupcakes, and dyed all my frosting - blue, gray, and black, and set out all my goodies.

The sharks were made out of twinkies with little cookies stuck in the side to make fins.  I used mini chocolate chips for the eyes and frosting to make the mouth and teeth.  They were a bit difficult to make - you glue the twinkies on to the cupcakes with frosting and then freeze them for a bit to get them to stick. Then, you dip the sharks into the gray frosting.  My sharks kept falling off into the frosting and I had to fish (HA! No pun intended!) then out and try to repair them. 

 These were fun to make.  I cracked myself up with how absolutely ridiculous they were.  They were a definite time killer and helped me pass the time until my husband got home.

I arranged them all on my glass cake plate.  I also made school of fish cupcakes with little juju fish.  This picture is of my cupcakes with a picture of the cupcakes from the book.  Mine are clearly not as perfect as the ones in the book, but I think they look halfway decent. 

Now, head on over to the Stirrup Queens and see what the rest of the class is showing.

Knife. In. Heart

As I mentioned, I went on a one-day business trip yesterday to Columbus, OH.  My boss and I went to evaluate a company.  We spent the afternoon with the 4 executives.  We were making small talk about how early we had to get up to catch our flight.  My boss brought up the fact that I had to wake up at 3:45 to take care of my dog prior to catching our flight, while she has two sons, but didn't have to take care of them because her husband was home.  To be clear, I didn't bring up the fact that I have animals - my boss did.  I try not to talk about them too much in public because I don't want to be that woman.

Later on in the day, one of the guys said, "When my wife and I were first married, we had a dog.  And, that was almost like our child.  It is amazing how once you have children, the importance of the dog in your life goes way down."

It was like a knife to my heart.  Thanks, jackass.  Way to point out what I'm missing and totally dismiss my life, as it is right now, all with two sentences.

Feeling a little off

Today is two months since my miscarriage.  It is 14 years since I met my husband.  It is 14 years since my Grandpa died.  So, one of those days thinking about the things that happen that shape your life.

My husband is on week 3 of his business trip.  I'm fortunate that he has the opportunity to come home on the weekend, but it isn't enough.  He has only been home long enough to do laundry and leave again.  I just miss him.  I know that I'm lucky compared to some - especially on this Veteran's Day. 

I didn't wake up and workout this morning.  I set 3 alarms and just turned them all off.  I'm not even sure I made a conscious decision to NOT workout.  It was 4 in the morning after all.  With M. gone, I'm not sure how I could take care of the home stuff and workout at any other time than 4am.

I have to travel tomorrow.  I'm flying out to Columbus, OH in the morning and returning in the afternoon.  I am not used to traveling.  And, there is just so much to deal with at home that it stresses me out a bit. 

I just want a hug.  I've had a rough week with the hysteroscopy on Monday, busy work days, and the stress of traveling.   I can't wait for M. to come home on Friday night, even if he is running out the door on Sunday morning.

I could just use a hug.

Procedures

Well, my hyster.oscopy and polyect.omy went off ok today.  I'm home now and recovering fine.  My mom was unable to take me to the appointment because my sister in law, who is 32ish weeks pregnant with plac.enta pre.via, was rushed to the hospital with bleeding.  My parents drove out there at 11 at night to pick up my 4 1/2 year old niece to bring over for the night.  So, my sister came with me to the appointment.

The procedure itself was a breeze.  I was pretty much awake for it, although not making much sense.  I was able to watch on the screen, which was pretty cool.  I saw Dr. B. take out one polyp.  He said there were a few others, but they were small and he couldn't even grab them with the grabber dealio. 

My sister took me home to my mom's so I could rest for a while.  My niece was there, and is just so adorable.  We had lunch, and she told us her secrets.  Later, she was telling me about one of her dreams about little princesses and knights and fairy godmothers.  I asked he who I was in her dream, and she said I was the mommy of the little princesses.  When I was getting ready to leave, she said that it made her sad because I reminded her of her mommy.  Broke my heart a little bit - so cute.

So, I'm fine.  I have a killer headache and some cramps.  And, I'm annoyed that I'll potentially have bleeding for 2 to 3 weeks.  I'm probably going to bed early tonight and hope to be back on my game tomorrow.  I've kind of gone on a food bender the past two days, so I need to get back on track.  In my defense, today I don't care.  I am eating what is easy to put together.

My sister-in-law is doing ok.  They released her from the hospital and they are heading home.  She isn't on bedrest yet -although for her own sake, I wish the doctor would do so.  She isn't good at "taking it easy."

Thanks for all your support everyone!

Procedure Tomorrow

I am scheduled for my hysteroscopy tomorrow at 10 a.m. with Dr. B.  My mom is taking me.  It should be fun for her to be the random 60 year old in the waiting room.  I love that there will be a handful of people who will look at her and think, "Really?"  My husband is still out of town after breezing back in for 2 nights.  This is going on three weeks now.  I miss him when he isn't here.  A ton.  I'm not used to him being away, but I totally understand that I am lucky compared to others.  The good news is he is earning tons of overtime.  As I've mentioned, we're planning a vacation.  I think we've settled on Hawaii.  That is my dream vacation, and for my husband, it will be returning home.  He is an Army vet, and was stationed in Hawaii for 3 years before we met.  I love that we'll be able to afford the trip and still stock up our savings account.

In other news, I managed to lock myself out of the house today.  My brother-in-law had to get a giant ladder, put it in my neighbor's yard, climb up to my window, remove the screen, boost up the window - which wasn't locked, and do a roll into my bedroom.  Thankfully, my dog bed was right there to give him a soft landing.  Of course, my non-watch dog didn't bother to get up off the couch.  As a bonus, my dad lectured me on how easy it would be for someone to break in to my house.  I'm still thinking it wouldn't be easy - I think people would be noticed dragging ladders or boosting each other up to get into my bedroom window.  Plus, how would they know if wasn't locked?

Pregnant Women Everywhere

My employee finally fessed up to her pregnancy yesterday.  I took it pretty well.  I've been rehearsing my response for weeks now, so I had time to prepare.  I did call her on the fact that I suspected back in August, and she wasn't really hiding anything by wearing maternity pants and sporting a giant baby bump.  She's due March 8th and is having a boy.  That hurt a bit, because we call the baby we miscarried a boy - even though we don't know for sure.

I did have a hard moment today when I was doing something for work with my boss.  We were discussing staff salaries and if anyone had unpaid medical leave.  She pointed out that last fiscal year, this employee was on maternity leave.  It hit me that she would have maternity leave two fiscal year's in a row.  I think I've been lapped twice, and that truly sucks.

Monday Rambling on Moving Forward

I was at the grocery store today and they had two carts full of baby Halloween costumes on sale for $1.99 each.  I went back twice and almost bought one.  Why do I torture myself?  If I was still pregnant, I'd have a 6 month old next Halloween, who, no doubt, would make an adorable bumble bee.  And, wouldn't that be precious if I had been able to dress the baby as a bumble bee and the dog as a bumble bee?  But, it's not to be.  If I'm lucky enough to get pregnant (and STAY pregnant) in February-ish, I'll still be pregnant in October. 

In other news, I have my hysteroscopy tentatively scheduled for Monday.  Dr. B. wanted to do it on Friday, but I'm out of town.  It is kind of screwed up for scheduling purposes.  I have to call on Monday morning at 8am and find out what time my procedure is scheduled for that day.  I guess they don't know what time to have me come in until they find out what their egg retrieval schedule is for Monday.  Additionally, I have a full day of meetings scheduled for Monday, and will have to reschedule everything.  But, I can't reschedule the candidate I have coming in for an interview.  So, I'll go in to work for a bit (I work at the hospital) and then hopefully walk across the street late morning for my procedure.  To complicate things further, my mom needs to be my ride.  My husband has taken several days off for my medical stuff, and he is likely to still be out of town on Monday (bummer).  Mom's plan is to drive in to work with me, hang out in the cafeteria reading a book and wait for me to call her with my procedure time.  Very inconvenient.  But, I don't know what my choices are at this point.

Anyone have experience with hysteroscopies?  What can I expect?

I wonder if I can convince Dr. B. to schedule it for Monday early afternoon?  That might make my scheduling stuff go much easier.... 

Thanks to everyone for the great vacation ideas.  I am trying to come up with several different options for vacations at different price points so we can make a decision.  I'd love to head to the tropics to a nice all inclusive resort.  I also want to explore heading to SF or San Diego.  It will be cheaper, but not warm in late January when I want to go.  But, that might be ok.

Finally, I hate having my period, cramps, and bleeding like it's going out of style.  I'm just sayin'...