3rd Beta

My third beta was 148. Thank goodness it continues to double. Next step - OB ultrasound on 9/1. In the meantime, I went shopping for a whole bunch of healthy food, and am learning all the "rules" of being pregnant. So, far I feel good. A bit tired, a bit nauseous, a bit dizzy at times, but pretty good.

Thankful Thursday

I feel that I have so much to be thankful for today, yet I'm not yet at a place where I can be excited about my pregnancy. I guess I really am pregnant. My insurance company sent me a whole bunch of information on pregnancy yesterday. They sure are quick! Wish they were as quick reimbursing me for medical expenses I submit to them, but I digress.

I think this is slowly sinking in. I hope to be able to feel more of the joy of this experience each day. Tomorrow I go back for another beta. I'm hoping for 116! I need to see a heart beat to feel like this could actually happen. Until then, I hope and wait every day that this could work. I know that seeing a heart beat is no guarantee of delivering a healthy baby, but it sure would be more reassuring than a blood test!

Today, I am thankful for:

1. My husband who bought me my first pregnancy gift yesterday. He gave me What to Expect when you're Expecting (and a chocolate bar). I don't have any pregnancy books, so I was very happy to have this resource (and the chocolate).

2. Vacation in 2 weeks! We're headed to Boston, Bar Harbor, and Niagara Falls. Can't wait!

3. A chance at being a mom. A week ago, I thought my chances were next to nothing. Today, I'm actually pregnant.

Thank you, internet, for all of the support you have shown me these past weeks. I'm still so thankful for all of you!

Doubling Beta!!

My beta today was 58! Up from 22.9 on Monday. Can I be happy now?

Back on Friday for my next one.

Oh My God!

I'm literally in shock. My nurse just called me ten minutes ago and said,

"Congratulations!"

My beta was 22.9. They wanted it to be over 20. I go back Wednesday.

The bleeding has stopped.

I'm totally freaked out. I don't know what to do. Is this real? Will it work? I'm obsessively googling to try and find out what a Beta of 22.9 on 10 days post 3 day transfer means, but I can't find anything.

I want to throw up. I want to cry. Right now, I am pregnant.

9dp3dt

My optimism is fading fast. I'm still spotting - alternating between a barely anything spotting, and a heavier bleed. I'm convinced we'll get a BFN tomorrow.

I've been having a hard time sleeping lately too as my worries keep waking me up. I'm not thinking that we realistically have a very good chance of bringing home a baby after IVF. Assuming that I'm right and this is a BFN, we would have gone through 2 IVF cycles and only achieved 2 embryos - and not really great ones at that. So, I'll have a consultation with my doctor and figure out what our chances are. I'm also considering taking a break until January and trying to lose some weight and get in better shape. But, I also have to consider if we should continue down this path or do something else?

I think all the time about how to build our family. If IVF doesn't work, what do we do? Do we give up, or try to build a family in other ways? Can we afford adoption? Should we consider foster care? International adoption vs. domestic? How would my family react to an interracial adoption? What about donor eggs/ sperm? How can we afford any of this? Are we too old / too fat / too crazy to adopt?

I worry all the time. I can't sleep. I have crazy dreams. I worry about Christmas, and dealing with the birth of my new niece or nephew at that time, and again thinking that one day, M and I will be the old Aunt and Uncle that have no family and no where to go for .

I wish for and hope for and desperately WANT good news tomorrow, but I don't think that will happen. Beta in the morning. What a great way to start the week.

6dp3dt - and Thankful Thursday

Today I started spotting. A tiny bit so far. I'm completely freaked and absolutely certain that this didn't work, while trying to convince myself that this is implantation bleeding. Dr. Google says that it could be anything and there is nothing to do about it. Could it be my period? How soon would I get it, and would Progesterone prevent it? Anyone? I think I'll call the IVF nurse tomorrow to see.

In an effort to try to turn my mood around, here is another installment of Thankful Thursday:

1. My mom pulled weeds in my backyard today while she was taking my dog out for his afternoon constitutional. Gotta love that!

2. Soon, I go on vacation. Some blissful time away from all the madness of work and IVF sounds so fabulous!

3. My sister is fabulous and always good for a laugh. I need it on days like today.

4. Only 4 more sleeps until I have my beta and end this horrible waiting.

5dp3dt

As you can tell from the title, I'm 5 days post 3 day transfer. I'm doing the obsessive symptom evaluating - however I know that each symptom can be attributed to the progesterone. It is so bizarre to think of what can be going on in my body right now.

I'm trying to live in gratitude every day for having this chance and opportunity to become a mother. I've spent some time praying and talking to my embryos telling them how much they are wanted, providing encouragement, and letting them know that as long as they do their best, we'll be happy. We'll love them, the mere possibility of a baby, despite what happens.

I am alternating planning for pregnancy with making a contingency plan for a BFN. I find out my results on Monday, and I am not looking forward to getting that news at work. However, I don't want to POAS. I don't think I can take the disappointment. I have a lunch planned with my good friend on Monday to hopefully celebrate but also perhaps have consolation.

A little pregnant

I am home safe after the transfer of 2 little embryos. One 5 cell and 1 4 cell. A little behind the curve, but hanging on nonetheless. One of those is a day 2 embryo, so it hasn't had as much time to catch up.

There is still one little 2 cell embryo hanging out in the lab. So, we'll see what happens with that.

I'm happy and content right now. We've done all we could and it's out of our hands now.

Thankful Thursdays

I've noticed several other bloggers taking time on a regular basis to reflect on what they're grateful for. In this big suck of infertility, there is much to complain about, and I do that quite a lot. So, I thought I'd steal the gratitude idea with the hope at looking at the bright side on a regular basis.

Therefore, I am thankful for:

1. The three little embryos that resulted from this IVF cycle. I'm especially thankful for the fact that my two little eggs that could matured overnight and fertilized successfully. Even if the embryos stop developing before the transfer, I'm thankful for their existence now.

2. My "fur family" of three lovely cats and one lovey and giant dog. There's nothing like the love of a pet. Although, it does leave something to be desired when the cat jumps on my stomach 3 hours after egg retrieval, nor when the dog (who weighs 180 pounds) lays on me. But, it is love!

3. That my dad somewhat awkwardly called to congratulate me on my 3 embryos. That's a weird conversation, but sweet.

4. That my transfer is on a Friday. Kinda three day weekend!

5. Only 5 weeks until vacation!

6. All the support I've received from the ALI community. XOXOXO

Fertility Report

I actually have a fertility report! It's not great, but it's a hell of a lot better than last time.

Now, to the nitty-gritty.

I had 3 mature eggs out of 8. Of those 3, 1 fertilized normally, 1 didn't fertilize, and 1 fertilized abnormally. (Not sure what that means). They had 2 eggs mature today, and they've ICSI'd those. So, I have 1 embryo(!), 1 maybe embryo that they're watching, and maybe 2 more coming on line.

I'm tentatively scheduled for a transfer on Friday.

Considering that I was expecting the worst, I'm pretty happy with these results. I have 1 embryo.

Post Retrieval

I apologize up front if this doesn't make sense. My head is still foggy, but I wanted to give my post ER report.

I slept terribly last night. I was up half the night with my cold, and just felt miserable. When I checked in to the procedure room, it was pretty obvious to the nurses that I didn't feel good. I just have to say, they took such good care of me.

First step, was to get and IV and vitals. My blood pressure was 168/98, my heart rate was up, and my oxygen saturation was low. They got the IV started to give me fluids, turned on a mellow CD, and shut the lights off so I could rest. Nice.

The fellow stopped in to introduce herself and give me the report on my stimulation cycle. I was disappointed to find out that I only had 8 mature follicles, and could only expect 66% of the follicles to produce eggs.

They got me all settled in the procedure room for the retrieval and made me all cozy with a nice warm blanket. Then, they started the drugs - versed and fentanyl. Unfortunately, they weren't that effective. Thank goodness for my personal hand-holder. Anyway, there were 6 people in the room, the nurse who kept calling me "lovie" who was in charge of my sedation, the other nurse who was helping out Nurse Lovie and was responsible for holding my hand, the attending, the fellow, a resident, and 1 or 2 other nurses. A party. The fellow started the retrieval, and I felt the pain. At several points I was moaning, and squeezing the hand, and writhing around. They tried to give me more meds, but my blood pressure was dropping so that was it. I felt like I was wide awake. I don't recommend this at all. It wasn't horribly painful, but definitely uncomfortable. I'd say a 7 on a 10 pt pain scale.

The attending recommended that I watch on the screen, which was a good idea. A nice distraction from what was going on. I think the fellow did the retrieval on the right side, and the attending worked the left because my left ovary hides behind my uterus and is harder to get to. They kept taking breaks to let me rest. At one point, the attending said they had one more to go and asked if he should go for it, or if they should stop. I said go for it.

They ended up with 8 eggs, for which I was happy. I"m holding my breath for the fertility report tomorrow. (I did give my eggs a pep talk last night).

So, I just woke up from my nap, and am planning on diving into a lovely novel in a few minutes. I was given the "all-clear" to take some cold medicine, so I'm feeling a bit better.

Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. Wish me luck!

Really?

Just chiming in the night before my retrieval to say that I have a cold. I'm afraid to take anything until after the procedure. I'm not happy about that at all. My husband has one too, but we've both agreed that I'm the one deserving of the sympathy here.

Thanks for all the support for LFCA!

Retrieval #2 coming up

I spent my weekend waking up before 6am to drive to the fertility clinic for an ultrasound and blood test. On both Saturday and Sunday. Not my ideal way to spend a weekend. But, finally, I'm nearing the end of this journey. I'm scheduled for my retrieval on Tuesday. I am planning on taking Wednesday off from work as well. I don't want a repeat of the crying in my office thing that I had last time, and I think I'd be too nervous otherwise. So, this is looking like it will be a short work week for me. At least that's a good thing.

I was looking over my blog posts from IVF #1. It's amazing how positive and optimistic I was. It's actually laughable. I was worried about having enough embryos to freeze for a frozen cycle. Can you imagine? Now, I'm just focusing on the goal of having this cycle produce 1 embryo. Getting to transfer will be a bonus.

I'm ok with my cynicism. That's more my nature anyway. I'm not usually little miss sunshine. Here's hoping I'm pleasantly surprised this week!