Baby Dreams

During the holidays, I was able to spend time with my nieces and newphew and cousin's children.  The 5 of them range in age from 10 days to almost 5 years old.  I love how the older ones personalities are starting to develop.  And, I love the younger ones who are just on the verge of being more verbal.  And, the baby smell of my newborn niece.  As I hugged them and held my niece, I tried to picture what it would be like, what it would feel like if I was holding or hugging my own child.  It is so unimaginable for me.  Will I ever have a 7 pound baby that's mine?  Will I ever be able to look at a child and say, "Oh, she has my eyes"?  Will I ever see my self or my husband or our families reflected back at me in my child?

I think that my IVF treatment in February is my last.  I don't know for sure, but I feel like I've made the decision to move on if it doesn't work.  I can't tell if this is self preservation, or a true decision.  I don't know how I'll feel if my IVF isn't successful, but I'm trying this decision on for size right now.  It is scary, but it feels ok.  I'm hopeful (so hopeful) that things work out, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. 

I'm starting to prepare my mind for adoption.   I've started reasearching my options, and am starting to figure out how to pay for it (I think that Visa is a fine name for a child, don't you?).  I think I have an agency, and I think I know what route I would take.  I think.  I know I won't be able to jump into that until I feel that I'm "done" with infertility treatments.  And, I plan to schedule a WTF with Dr. B if this doesn't work out as well, just to find out why and what his opinion is on future chances for success.

A Christmas Wish

This Christmas has been better than I anticipated so far.  I've enjoyed having time to spend with my family, holding my new niece for the first time, and having time to relax.  My sisters and brothers and I put on a Christmas skit last night for our extended family - complete with the girls wearing shirts that said "Ho."  It was silly and funny.  This morning, M and I had a quiet morning alone, and will host my Mom and Dad for dinner tonight.  Then, tomorrow we'll have Christmas with just my mom and dad and brothers, sisters, and nieces.

Despite the good times, Christmas lately makes me remember what I don't have.  Seeing my brother and his new baby, my cousins little boys, my nieces and nephew - makes me feel a little set apart. 

I have a wish for next Christmas.  Let me be experiencing the joys of new motherhood.  Or, let me be pregnant.  Or, let me be beginning the adoption or third party reproduction process.  Let me be one step closer to being a mom.

I wish the same to all of you still on this side of the infertility battle.  Thanks for all of the support and the community you've shown me this past year.  A year ago, I was just starting my quest to get pregnant with the help of my RE.  I was alone and lost.  A year later, I've been through the ringer with IF, but I've also found the ALI Community.  I've learned so much from all of you, and I'm thankful to not be alone on this journey.

Merry Christmas!

Randoms

1. I met the baby on Saturday.  She's beautiful and I fell instantly in love.  At first, I was worried to be around her and my 4 year old niece (the new niece's sister), thinking that they would make me "miss" not having a baby of my own.  However, that is not the case.  They make me feel better.  I think it is because these two children are in my life and I get to love them as much as I want.  And, they love me back.

2. Work is ABSOLUTELY crazy busy right now.  I don't understand, nor do I approve.  I'm supposed to have some free time to get organized and get a head start on my huge winter / spring project.  That is not to be as I've been sucked into some crazy vortex.  Not cool.

3. Christmas shopping is progressing, but has hit a bit of a standstill.  I haven't even started shopping for my husband yet.  I had planned to head out at lunch a few times this week, but that didn't happen (see number 2).

4. I'm doing really good and having fun with my exercise program.  I've gotten to where I feel like I can run.  I did a hill workout today on the treadmill that about killed me.  It was so hard that it was fun.  And, I'm only five pounds away from my goal that I set with Dr. B.

5. My giant dog is a nut.  He ate a book today while we were at work because we left the armoire open.  Jackass.  It was set aside for my Hawaii trip.

Bittersweet

Today has been a bit of a mixed bag of emotions.  We went to see the Blind Side today, which has a foster / adopt theme.  It was such a sweet story. And, I found myself crying through movie.  Then, my brother and his wife gave birth to their second baby today.  She's an IVF baby as well, and I'm so happy to be an Aunt again, and so happy for my brother and sister-in-law to have an infertility happy ending (times 2 as they also have a IUI 4 yr old), and just happy that the baby is healthy.  Yet, I was crying while hearing the news.  I think they were partly happy tears, and partly tears at what might have been.  And then I had to stop in the hallway of the movie theater as sobs overcame me.  I pulled it together and walked out of the movie theater and went across the street to the grocery store to get something for dinner.  Then, my brother called me.  I was glad to talk to him, but struggled to keep my voice from quivering with my tears.  I feel wrung out a bit.  The baby is beautiful, and I love her already even though I haven't met her yet.  Tomorrow we will go to the hospital to see her, and I'm hoping I can keep it together.  This is a happy time, and it isn't about me. 

After my miscarriage, I made my husband promise me that he would make me a mom one day, one way.  I've been thinking recently about how that might happen.  I believe that I'll be a Mom one day, and I'm trying to stay hopeful that I might be able to give birth to a take home baby that is genetically mine.  However, I also know that the odds of that happening don't necessarily fall in my favor.  I recently learned that my insurance will likely only cover one more cycle, rather than the two I thought I'd still have.  So, my hope has dwindled a bit.

I know it will happen.  I believe I'll have someone to mother one day.  I have hope in that and I'm doing everything possible to make that happen - losing weight, following the the Fertility Diet, saving money so I have an adoption or donor egg fund (after my Hawaii trip, of course), and constantly working to boost myself up.  

IVF #3

I spoke with my IVF coordinator today and have the schedule for my third IVF cycle.  Details:

• I start the pill at the end of December (with the hope of magically skipping my period at the end of January while I'm in Hawaii)
• Last pill February 7th
• Baseline ultrasound on February 8th (first day back at work!)
• If all goes well (given my past experience, I am not holding my breath on that one), I'll start Follistim February 11th.
• Retrieval will be between February 20th and 25th

It feels weird to have the details down and be on the schedule.  I'm actually excited.  I still plan on calling Dr. B in mid January to clear up some questions and check in with him on where I am with my weight loss, and what his thoughts are on my progress.  I want to have the best shot possible with IVF #3, and if Dr. B recommends I wait and lose more weight, I'd be totally cool with that.  I'm working really hard on that right now, and I think I'll hit my target weight loss by mid January.  I wonder if it would make my chances better if I waited and lost more...?

A season of giving

As I have written before, M and I wanted to celebrate this holiday season.  One way we decided to do this was to fulfill the Christmas wishes of a DCFS child.  It felt nice to make the Christmas dreams of a child come true as a way of honoring the memory, albeit privately, of the child we lost.  So, we were given the wish list of a little boy named Keion.  He wanted a skateboard and some GI Joe figures.  We are so clueless when it comes to buying stuff, it was pretty funny, but we managed to pull together 3 GI Joe figures, a skateboard, knee, wrist and elbow pads (safety first!), and a Blackhawks sweatshirt. 

It was fun to do, and I think it is a tradition we will continue.  I hope little Keion enjoys his Christmas.

Ornaments

I don't have a themed Christmas tree.  The ornaments we have are mostly those that have been given to us, that we've bought on vacations, or that have a special meaning.  It's fun to put up the tree and see all those special ornaments and remember the trips and the special occasion.  We also have a personalized ornament for each member of our family (and, yes, I've decided that I'm claiming the word "family" for us.  My collection of two people and a slew of animals and an angel baby might not make a family in most people's minds, but I'm claiming "family" nonetheless).  I have a personalized ornament, so does M, the dog, and each of the 3 cats.  Recently, we added a personalized ornament for the baby we lost.

We went to Things Remembered and bought a personalized ornamanent.  It was a mirrored angel with a 2009 charm.  We had it engraved to say "Our Angel" and the name that we gave the baby.   I like having the ornament for the baby and the acknowledgment that he existed for us.  I also like that because the ornament is a mirror, it kind of disappears into the tree.  It is there if you look for it, but it is hard to see unless you look.

For some reason, I feel weird about admitting that we named the baby that we miscarried.  It isn't something that I talk about publicly, but is more a private thing between my husband and myself.  I think it has helped us cope with the loss a bit.  And, If we have future pregnancies, I wanted to try to separate the baby we lost with the baby we carried.  We decided that the baby was a boy, and named him Allan Michael.  It is not the name we would likely have given had he been born, but it is a family name, honors M's Uncle who recently passed away and on whose birthday our egg transfer occurred.