Certainty vs. Hope

I hung out with my sisters and mom yesterday checking out a neighborhood french market and shopping. It was a great day, and really helped to restore my creativity. I love seeing all the handmade items people make and getting inspiration to try new creative things. It was great just to laugh and relax and have fun.

One of our stops was at a fabric and quilt store. My newlywed sister bought fabric to make a baby quilt. She's not pregnant, and isn't trying to get pregnant right now. However, she is certain that one day it will just happen for her. For her, making a baby quilt now makes perfect sense. Why not - you'll need it one day.

On the other hand, I'm making a quilt right now, and had to choose between throw blanket size and baby blanket size. Although I hesitated and thought about the baby blanket, I chose the throw blanket. Because, what if I never become a mother? Or, what if I end up adopting a toddler and don't need a baby blanket? I wouldn't want to break my heart by making a baby quilt that never gets used.

So, I make the throw blanket. And, keep the baby yarn safely un-knit and tucked away where I can't see it, but can hope to put it to use one day. And, if this doesn't work out, the yarn all gets donated and out of my house so I don't have to look at it and see evidence of our infertility.

I'm starting to feel "normal" again

I'm slowly starting to feel like "myself" again. After I made my goals recently, I've started to slowly do a few little things each day to achieve those goals. I've been knitting a little bit, walking my dog a little bit, and even exercising. I know, crazy. I think that right now, since I'm not really doing anything for my next IVF cycle, I've been able to work a little on myself.

So, right now I'm in a good place. Just got done with my burgers on the grill and am drinking a lovely Lienenkugel Summer Shandy (delish) enjoying my night.

Off to read ICLW blogs!

Our TTC journey

Welcome to all the ICLW-ers out there! I'm enjoying getting to know everyone. I thought I'd give a little bit more of my TTC background and other general getting-to-know-you information. Here we go -

Our TTC is a bit different, I think. We were trying to conceive for a while without luck. I'd alternate doing OPK and pre-seed and being super crazy organized about the whole thing, with the more casual not preventing pregnancy. I wasn't worried about our lack of results because I was still convinced that we just weren't timing it enough or trying hard enough.

My husband went to his general practitioner last fall and was diagnosed with a varicocelle. The doctor told him that it wasn't any big deal and that they didn't need to do anything about it. Well, my brother and sister-in-law had to go through infertility treatments for that same reason, so I had my husband call them right back up and ask about what kind of impact that would have on our fertility. Guess what? He quickly had an appointment with a urologist and was getting his SA.

I was so mad that they didn't think to ask if we wanted to have kids. That's irresponsible of the doctor. Why wouldn't they even consider that a married man in his 30s might want to have a family one day.

So, we jumped right to the top of the heap - IVF with ICSI. In a way, I wish that we had been able to go through the whole Clomid, IUI route instead of going right to the big guys. I feel like I only have these few chances with IVF - and no guarantee of success.

We have gone through one IVF cycle, and I figure we can afford 2 to 3 more cycles before we have to make some decisions. Here's to luck for us and everyone in their TTC journey!

Who am I again?

We received our official infertility diagnosis in November by accident when my husband went for a regular medical check-up. His doc diagnosed him with varicocelle, but told him it wasn't that big a deal and they didn't want to treat it. I freaked and made him get back on the phone and ask them about having kids. Now, I was pissed - why would they not consider that as an issue for a married man under 40 - you'd think it would at least be a question. Anyway, sure enough, once they found out we were TTC, he was at the urologist faster than you can say spermatazoa. And, the rest is history.

From November through the end of May - when I had my egg retrieval (and unsuccessful fertilization - yeah!), I've been consumed by figuring out and beginning fertility treatments. Now, I'm in a lull between cycles, and I've suddenly felt totally disconnected from myself. The truth is, that I am probably depressed (Dr. Google says I have moderate severe depression, but I'm guessing that many of us in IF land do as well). I can't remember what I like to do. I don't have any motivation to do anything, and I'm feeling directionless.

My only goal right now is to become a mom.

I've realized that one goal isn't going to cut it. I need to reconnect with my other passions and find things to make me happy now.

The quest begins again to figure myself out. I thought I was done with that in my 20s.

The Infertility Diet

I've read some blogs from people who are following a diet to help improve their fertility. Given how much this sucks and how little control I feel I have over the whole baby making business, it makes sense and seems proactive. I, however, am on the Infertility diet. Which consists of healthy meals sprinkled with pizza, wine, cookies and ice cream. I eat for comfort, and it has become apparent that I've needed a bit too much comforting lately. The problem is, I'm trying to make healthier choices and get more exercise, but I just don't have the energy to devote to losing weight. Depression will do that to you, you know.

I feel lost I guess, and I'm not quite sure what I do to occupy my time anymore. It feels like I'm starting over and getting to know myself all over again. I just don't have much interest in anything right now. So, I'm trying to lift myself out of this fog, trying to make healthier choices, and trying to get on with my life while I wait for cycle #2.

I choose hope

I was crushed yesterday. Totally heartbroken. I felt like we didn't even get a chance. I sat in my office with the door shut and fiddled around with some work. I would alternate productivity with looking at random funny pictures of cats and dogs on "I can has cheezburger." http://icanhascheezburger.com/

After work, I drank 3/4 of a bottle of Pinot Grigio and sat on the couch eating pizza feeling sorry for myself.

But, today, I've decided to feel better. My first IVF cycle turned out like shit, but I am choosing to be hopeful and thankful and grateful for all that I have. In doing so, I've come to a few realizations:

My husband and I are a family. We deserve to nuture that relationship and feel validated in that. We are complete now.

I have a super supportive extended family who will be with me through thick and thin.

I have choices; I can mourn and be miserable and wonder if this will ever work. Or, I can choose to be hopeful that it will.

Today, I'm choosing hope.

Kick in the Head

Received a phone call from my doctor this morning. I was expecting the embryologist. Dr. B. informed me that he didn't have good news for me and that NONE (zip, zero, zilch, nada) of my eggs fertilized. Apparently, out of the 8 retrieved, only 3 were mature, and none of them fertilized.

He doesn't know why.

He said that possibly the fact that it took me so long to get suppressed impacted this cycle. He wants to keep me on BCP longer this next time and do a baseline ultrasound prior to starting Lupron. He told me that he doesn't think I should give up - and that if he did he would tell me. He said that there is still a good chance this could work for us.

After having a crying fit in my office (good times) I'm pulling myself back together. I think I'm going to try to take a long weekend and have some time off. Also, if might be a good time to indulge in a large glass of wine.