I never thought it made sense anyway.

Our Story, part 1.

2011-03-12T06:30:00.000-06:00

On Tuesday, February 1st, after a 90 minute commute home - in what should have only been a 15 minute commute, I finally arrived home from work and tucked in to wait out the major blizzard heading our way. We were slated to receive upwards of 30 inches of snow in the next 24 hours. I was so happy to be safely warm in my home with my husband. Further, we didn't have to leave the next day as we already planned on working from home on Wednesday. Suddenly, there was a large noise and it felt as if the whole house shook. M and I looked at each other, and each ran out one door. Our roof had been ripped off of our house and was lying in the front yard. After much checking, we realized that the interior damage was minimal, there were no leaks, our satellite TV was still working, and we were ok. But, the drama! What a blizzard story we would have to tell.

On Wednesday, February 2nd, M and I were hanging out on the couch, watching the news and working. I was starting to feel sick, and we were still recovering from the drama of our roof being torn off the house. When... the phone rang. I answered it and heard, "Hi Amy. This is Mary. I wanted to let you know that you've been matched with a birthmother." O M G !!!! I think my response was, "Oh my God! Let me get my husband." I put her on speaker phone and we learned the details. Mom was young. Had a son that she was raising and had previously placed a daughter for adoption. She found herself pregnant and the birth father wasn't in the picture. She was from our same city (amazing, since we were reaching out nationally), and was due on February 27th. All of the other personal and medical information fit primarily with our dream situation. However, we decided that we would think about it and call back later. I called my mom and sister, and told them to sit down...we had been matched with a birthmom due in less than a month. After about an hour, we called Mary back and accepted the match. She then arranged for a conference call with the birthmom - E. On that call E amazed us both, and she continues to do so. Her first statement to us was that she didn't want us to think less of us because she's making an adoption plan - she wanted us to know that she didn't take this situation lightly and wasn't looking for the easy way out. After some getting to know you chatting, we were closing the call and E said, "I want you to know what a blessing you are to me and what a gift you have given me. Thank you so much." Seriously - we were the gift and the blessing - AMAZING!

The lucky thing about matching with a mom in our same city is that our homestudy agency was also our placing agency. I was so happy about that. It was so nice to get to work with the people I felt comfortable with, and I also know how "birthmom" pro they are, so I knew that E would get the help and care that she needed.

We arranged to meet up with E the next week, and met her, the social worker, and her son at a local restaurant. We sat, ate cake, and chatted. What we realized is that we like her. It is so nice to be able to say that. As we were leaving, we all gave her big hugs and went on our way. The next few weeks were filled with a few phone calls and text messages and a bit of anxiety as we waited for the due date.

More to come, but I leave you with a picture from adoption court...

Meet my daughter, Grace

2011-03-07T20:11:00.000-06:00

Meet my daughter, Grace. She was born on Tuesday, March 1st and joined our family through open adoption today, Friday, March 7th. My husband and I are overjoyed.

What Might have Been

2010-04-27T16:59:00.000-05:00

Today would have been my due date for the pregnancy I lost in September.

I know it is just a date, and in real life, doesn't mean anything. But, I can't help but stop and think about what might have been. What today could have looked like had things gone differently. I could have been cursing about how uncomfortable I was and hoping that the baby would come any day. I could have been holding my baby.

But, life is what life is. And, I'm not holding my baby. And, I'm not pregnant. And, I'm not cycling now or anytime in the future. I'm waiting.

I am not as sad as I had thought I'd be. I didn't even cry today. In fact, I took a vacation day today and spent a wonderful morning with my husband and my dog hiking. But, I cried on Sunday at Church when the little kids were making their 1st Communion, so you never know.

I'm sad about what could have been. I feel that I've taken time to experience and mark the loss in a quiet way. But, I'm thankful for the short time that I was a "mom." I am so glad that I had the opportunity to experience that miracle.

A Sales Pitch in Adoption

2010-04-22T19:26:00.000-05:00

Welcome all from ICLW! I am so glad that I've decided to participate this month. I'm connecting with new bloggers, which is great as I try to expand my blog reader to find other prospective adoptive families. I thought that, rather than do a big rehash of where we've been in our journey, I'd talk a little bit about where we are now.

M and I are currently looking into options for adoption. After a lot of investigation, I believe that we have settled on open domestic adoption. It excites me that we'll get to have a baby. We are so fortunate to live in Chicago as there are many resources available. We've had informational meetings with 4 local agencies. Additionally, I have a personal connection to an adoptive family for three of the agencies.

So, let me tell you about the last informational session we went to last week. It was the biggest sales pitch and worst customer service from an adoption agency that I have seen yet. I have only just dipped my toe into the adoption pool, but I find that I have very strong feelings about what I think is ethical. This agency pushed that envelope - big time. I believe that as a prospective adoptive mom, I need to be well informed and educated. So, like a good girl, I consulted my favorite ALI website and printed a list of the 20 questions to ask when interviewing an adoption agency. We scheduled a 30 minute informational session during this agencies open house. I sat down, and after a few minutes of small talk, we started going through my questions. The social worker was vague. Vague to the point that M was angrier than I've ever seen him. As the conversation continued, the social worker continued to evade questions, and was trying to rush us along. She kept saying that most of these questions would be answered at the informational sessions which are more in depth. She did go on about how successful they were in placing children, but then went on to take credit for the directed placements they helped to facilitate - other agencies excluded those as they didn't feel that they were an accurate description of their placements.

So, after she basically pushed us out the door, I asked what the next steps were (knowing that what I was thinking was that I'm never coming near this place again). Apparently, there is a session where I can pay $350 and get ALL my questions answered. And, after that, I should be informed enough to decide if I want to move forward with this agency. I was horrified. M was livid. We both felt that they were preying on us, and, despite the fact that they were a non profit, were only in it for the money. And, I can't actually figure out what they used the money for since the agency didn't even provide birth mother expenses. The other agencies we've explored, including the big giant FOR PROFIT adoption law firm were more than happy to answer as many questions as we wanted, as often as we wanted - FOR FREE.

Needless to say, we won't be using them. We hope to figure out definitively our plan in the next month or so, and sign with an agency later this summer. That will give us time to get some more funds together, and will also allow for me to survive a super busy time at work.

Life, or Just a Dress Rehersal?

2010-04-20T14:49:00.000-05:00

In contemplating the adoption option, M and I have discussed many different scenarios. One tool that we have been using is to "try on" different outcomes. We've decided to imagine how our lives would be if we were parenting a toddler, a school-aged child, twins, a biological infant, an adopted infant, and children of different races. During these try outs, I've tried to imagine myself in different scenarios and picture what I would do, say, act like, feel like if I was living out this situation. It has really helped us to fine tune our decision making process into what "type" of child we would be comfortable parenting, and has helped us to get used to situations that might be different or uncomfortable.

Another options to contemplate, and one I've been a bit afraid to consider fully, is the "child-free" option. What would my life be like if we were child free. I've been thinking about that option a bit lately, and it scares me a bit to realize how easily I could picture the choices I would make and the things I would do. I think we'd live downtown, rather than the suburbs. We'd travel - and go to Europe - preferably when an unpronounceable volcano isn't mucking up traffic and air quality. Maybe we'd save our money for a vacation home (rather than a college fund). I wonder if we'd make different career choices? I think I would take more chances and explore the unfamiliar a bit.

Sometimes, it scares me with how exciting and carefree this life feels. It would be so easy to give up and this child free life sounds kind of fun. Then, I think further down the road. When we're 50. What will life be like then? When we're 80? Who is going to invite us for the holidays? Will we always be the aunt and uncle who don't have anywhere to go? Who will help me clean my apartment when I'm 82 and cannot see the dirt any longer? Whose photos will I display on the wall? Who will I tell my "when I was your age" stories to? Who will get my scrapbooks and my collected family memories that I've been cherishing? Whose wedding will I cry at? Whose baby will I dream of and long to hold? Who will miss me when I'm gone?

I contemplate and think and plan and wonder. And, I realize, that I've lived the child-free life, and it isn't that exciting. I shouldn't hold back on living now, and if I really am doing so, then I need to STOP. And, I believe that child free living isn't for me. I want it all.

Weekend

2010-04-18T14:31:00.000-05:00

I was so excited that I didn't have any plans this weekend. I was looking forward to a weekend of hanging out with M, watching TV, and reading. Of course, reality was somewhat different. For a plan-free weekend, I sure felt busy! But, I was catching up on a lot of the stuff I've wanted to do - blog writing and reading, scrapbooking, knitting, and family time.

I've been sticking with my "3 changes" so far. Yesterday, I ran / walked for 30 minutes and did push-ups and crunches, and today I ran / walked for 40 minutes and did push-ups and sit ups. I've also been logging all my food calories. I've felt great. I love the feeling of accomplishing goals that I've set for myself. It was so nice to be outside too. The weather was a bit chilly but the sun was shining. It was actually perfect running weather.

So, now I'm hanging out on the couch again, catching up on work, and enjoying the sunshine.

I'm more than just an Infertile woman - the 3 Changes Challenge

2010-04-17T10:49:00.000-05:00

I'm not gonna lie, I've been struggling lately. I often have an "all or nothing" approach to life. I'm in or I'm out. That extends to relationships, crafts, my home, work, fitness, infertility and adoption. In or out. Lately, I've been half in the infertility world (do I do another cycle? consider donor eggs), half in the adoption world (which agency? when), half into fitness (must lose weight for another IVF cycle, want to lose weight at a reasonable pace and KEEP IT OFF, who cares I feel crappy, so I want comfort food), and half into making my house more of a home. In or out. And, I hate it. All or nothing doesn't get me very far. I end up depressed, upset at not meeting my goals, and often, starting over again. I'm trying to change that and live a more balanced life.

I'm more than just my infertility, and I'm going to start using this space to figure that out too. In the end, I think it will make me a happier person, and make it so that I'm better able to deal with the curve balls thrown my way.

I've been trying to get into running again. Back a few years ago, I was into running to the point where I ran the Chicago Marathon in 2006. I enjoyed running alot. But, again with the all or nothing, it was Marathon training our couch sitting for me. I ended up sitting on the couch for quite a bit of time, doing NOTHING, gaining weight, and losing fitness. I'm back to square one again, and trying to get to a healthy place with diet and fitness. It is time to do this FOR ME. Not because I want a baby, but because I want to live my life.

My sister has connected me to all of these wonderful blogs on fitness and crafts and fun stuff. I've found this blog by Amanda called Run to the Finish. She is having a 3 Changes Challenge and I am participating! Basically, she is challenging us to pick three small or large goals that you can change or achieve over the next 30 days that can help you break through a plateau. Sounds like what I need! I've decided to focus on diet and exercise and getting over the "all or nothing." My goals are:

1. Run 4 days a week for at least 10 minutes. I hope to do more, but this will at least ensure that I can fit it in as scheduled, and that I'm at least doing SOMETHING! I hope to use this to make running a habit and a lifestyle change.

2. Do 10 push-ups and 10 sit-ups 4 days a week. Again, with strength training, I'm either doing NOTHING or an hour long workout. I am hoping to build a habit of strength training.

3. Log my calories into My Daily Plate. I am always either on or off a diet. I want to build a habit of monitoring my calories every day, whether I'm eating according to a diet plan or going on a McDonald's binge. I think it will help me in the long-run to develop some healthy eating habits along the way.

I will still talk about infertility and my adoption journey, but I need to shift my focus a bit. I'm hoping that my regular supporters stay with me on this journey, and I hope to make some new friends along the way!

Boobs and a Blood Test

2010-04-13T18:11:00.000-05:00

Way back during that minute and a half when I was pregnant last fall, I was having horrible pains in my left boob. I couldn't even lift my arms without pain - the pain that makes you sweat it hurts so badly. I can't remember if I ever discussed that here. Anyway, after the m/s, I was still having pain, so my OB/GYN sent me for a mammogram. The reading shows that I may have some potentially "complex cysts" and I was to have a repeat mammogram in May. The pain pretty much disappeared - until this past month. Again, my left breast was hurting. I at first thought I was having some heart issue, but poking around my breast made me realize that it was actually my breast. I don't have any lumps, but it hurts when I poke at it and kind of randomly aches.

Last week, I went to my internist for a regular annual check-up. I am trying to not neglect the rest of my health while dealing with the drama that is infertility. So, I sat in the exam room and shared the "what's new" of my past year with my 7 months pregnant physician. Good times. I also brought up the breast pain, and she wants to send me to a breast surgeon. Uh, what? And, apparently, when I was sick back in January, some blood tests came back wonky, so she wanted to repeat those. The next day she calls me to say that my white blood cell count is slightly elevated and has been slightly elevated for a while. She wants me to go see a hematologist. Excuse me? The hematologist who's office is conveniently located in the Cancer Center. Not fun.

I'm trying not to freak out, and I have a feeling my doctor is just overly cautious. In fact, I called my OB/GYN to get his opinion, and he doesn't think I need to schedule the breast surgeon at this time - he's comfortable with me waiting until after my mammogram. Nevertheless, the first two weeks of May should be interesting as I head to a mammogram on May 6th, the hematologist on May 7th, and a follow-up with my OB/GYN the following week!

Unsettled

2010-04-01T13:09:00.000-05:00

Today is our one year IVF anniversary. A year ago, M and I had our first shot class and orientation work-up for IVF. A year ago, I assumed that I'd have resolution by now. I was hopeful.

I've been noticing that I'm feeling more and more unsettled lately. I think that all of this stress and ambiguity is affecting me in surprising ways. I am on edge and feeling burnt out. I'm a lunatic with unfinished projects. On occasion, I'll just completely lose it with M because something wasn't done the way I wanted. I want to control everything and nothing. I've been having crazy dreams. The past two days, I've woken up after a crazy dream and have felt "off" for a good portion of the day. Last night, I had a dream that M was cheating on me with someone named Amanda. It felt so real. When I woke up this morning, I honestly couldn't convince myself that it was just a dream. I had to call M into the room and ask him.

It is to the point that I am having a hard time living with myself. I'm making MYSELF crazy. Poor M. I'm not sure how he is putting up with me right now. It can't be fun.

I wish I could say that one year from now things will be much better, but I can't. One year from now, I could easily be in the same place as I am today. There are no guarantees that I'll get resolution to our infertility ever - much less in one year's time.

Craft-tastic!

2010-03-28T06:46:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I had painters scheduled to come to paint one of our bedrooms (incidently, the bedroom that will one day become the baby's room one day. It's a wreck!). I hate being at home when workers are in the house, so I escaped to my sisters for the day. We had a big day planned of shopping, lunch, and crafting.

As always, I had a great time. It is so wonderful to have someone who is always there for me and always makes me laugh. We went to the craft stores and stocked up on supplies as well as vegetable seeds, went out for buffalo wings, and walked her loony dog before we settled down and made the cutest (in my opinion) Burlap Spring Wreaths. So much fun! Here is some photographic evidence for you...

My sister working on her wreath.

My finished wreath.

S. with both finished wreaths.

On the outside looking in

2010-03-26T16:09:00.000-05:00

I work in administration in a hospital. During the course of my professional life, I often talk about medical procedures involving childbirth, miscarriages, tubal ligations, epidurals, c-sections, etc. I also often talk about the patients undergoing those procedures. Additionally, I also work most closely with 3 women who have all had their own children and are currently parenting (although one is the parent of two adopted children, which helps). Today, at work, I had one of those moments where I felt left out and like I wasn't part of the club. And, I hated it. Everyone was laughing about how a woman should know what they are getting into with their second pregnancy and delivery, and how childbirth could be traumatic, and raising children is traumatic because you are lacking sleep and may be feeling that things are different that you expected, etc. Everyone was laughing and sharing their war stories. And I...I was politely smiling while flinching on the inside. I want war stories too. I want to be part of the club, a member of the secret society, and one of the insiders.

Feeling Peace

2010-03-25T20:34:00.000-05:00

I'm so fortunate to live where I live and have so many adoption options to explore. Last weekend, M and I went to the home of a work acquaintance who had recently adopted a daughter through domestic adoption. I don't know D. very well, but we had talked last summer when he adopted his daughter. He is just the nicest guy, and he so kindly invited M and I to his home to meet his baby and hear about his adoption experience. It was great - and especially great for M to have an adoptive father he could talk to about all of this. D is a single father, and has an open adoption with the baby's mother. He had nothing but good things to say about his adoption experience, and it made us feel so hopeful.

Additionally, the husband of a woman I work with is the president of the board of another local adoption agency. She referred me to this agency, and so far it is at the top of our list. I like them because they are flexible with what they allow you to do, don't force you to go through a bunch of counseling on your marriage and fertility issues before you are allowed to adopt, and will even give you their blessing to continue to pursue fertility treatments while pursuing adoption. I like that - my goal is to become a mother - one way or the other.

And, finally, my new sister-in-law used to work at another local adoption agency as an intern. So, we have that introductory meeting scheduled in the next few weeks.

I'm starting to feel at peace about this whole adoption process and almost excited that one day, one way, maybe way far into the future, I'll get to be a mom. I am planning a last ditch IVF cycle this summer, and if that doesn't work, I'm all in for adoption. Once I turn in our adoption packet (and my big, fat check), I'm even going to start knitting a baby blanket and booties. For hope. Because everyone knows a baby can't be born until their knitting is done.

The In-Between

2010-03-19T12:48:00.000-05:00

Time has really been flying lately. My husband and I have done a lot of adoption investigating and soul searching about what family planning route to take. It's been a bit tough lately, but I feel like we're finally on the other side.

Personally, I want to do another IVF cycle. Having a miscarriage was HORRIBLE, and I definitely don't want a repeat of that. But, I would go through that pain over and over and over again if it meant that I would have even a chance of having a baby. I lost the baby at 7 weeks, 3 days, but for that short amount of time (really, 3 weeks or so), I felt that there was a baby inside of me. I knew that our child was there. To me, the pain of losing the baby was worth even that fleeting feeling of being a mom. I know it doesn't make sense, but to me it is worth it. We are currently planning on trying IVF once more this summer. If that doesn't succeed, I think we will likely pack it in and move on to other things. I plan on meeting with Dr. B in late spring or early summer and putting it all on the line for him then.

I invited myself to my brother's house tomorrow so that I can play with the 5 year old and hold the baby. I need a baby fix and that will surely do the trick!

Getting my Learn On

2010-03-05T21:21:00.000-06:00

I've been cramming in adoption knowledge lately. I think we've pretty much ruled out international adoption (see previous post about the crazies). So, we are trying to change our mind set and learn as much as possible about domestic adoption as possible. Our goal is to have an agency picked out by mid-April some time.

On Wednesday, M and I partook in a webinar for one of the agencies in our city. It was super boring and took way longer than it needed too. But, after getting through that pain, we realized that we learned alot. They are a really experienced agency, but I did have a "corporate" feeling about them.

I've also been reaching out to other people that I know who have adopted, and that has turned into a wealth of information. One of the physicians I work with has two adopted daughters, so I asked her what agency she worked with. It turns out that her husband is the president of the Board of Directors of this agency. She offered to sit down with us once we have some of our questions answered and talk about the process. At which point I started to cry. So, we are going to their informational session this coming Wednesday. So far, I have a good feeling about this agency. They seem to want us to become a family, no matter what we need to go through. In fact, unlike Agency #1, they don't prohibit continuing fertility treatments, getting pregnant on our own, or trying anything else. I like that. But, we'll see how we feel after the informational session.

I've also sent away for a bunch of information on foster-adoption from the Dave Thomas Foundation (Thanks, Frau! - by the way, I'd love to e-mail you, but I can't find your e-mail address).

Next week, M and I are meeting with a nurse I work with who recently adopted a daughter last year as a single father. He actually used Agency #1. So, M and I are headed to his home next Sunday to talk about the process and meet his daughter. I think that's so generous of him, and great for M since so much that I've read is geared toward the adoptive mothers. Also, this guy's daughter is African American and he is white, so I'm curious to learn more about trans-racial adoption.

Finally, I have the phone number of my father's co-worked who adopted several girls from China. I plan on calling them and seeing if we can meet with them to talk about their experiences.

People are being so generous. I am still learning and reaching out and trying to put together a new and expanded community to help through this adoption journey.

I still am not giving up on IVF, though. I've actually discovered something really basic that could possibly be impacting my cycles. This sounds stupid and elementary, so I wonder what you all have to say about it. I have always "spotted" for 2 or 3 days before I started a heavy flow of menstruation. I never thought anything of it and didn't know it was "bad" until I was asking Dr. Google about spotting when I was pregnant, which is when I discovered that this isn't normal and could be a sign of things being hormonally out of whack. On top of that, when I've done IVF, I've always started the BCPs with the first sign of blood, so 2 or 3 days before I actually started bleeding. So, I wonder if that matters? I hope to meet with Dr. B and discuss it with him before I make any decisions.

This next month or so will be pretty busy, and I like that. I am ready to make a decision and start this next journey.
And, finally, I want to explore donor eggs. I've asked M to start thinking about it. I'm not sure if that is the right decision for us, and I sort of doubt that Dr. B will give me the green light on that right now since he still thinks I could possibly have a baby with my own eggs. But, I think it is something I should look into.

Angry and Frustrated

2010-03-02T13:11:00.000-06:00

Warning - there will be venting. This isn't pretty folks.

There will be no miracle baby for me. I got my period this morning. I knew better than to think that I could get pregnant the old fashioned way.

I am feeling very frustrated and angry today. I want to scream and cry and stomp my feet and shout that this isn't fair. And, it isn't fair. I should be able to get pregnant like a normal human, but I can't. Adoption seems so complicated - and unfair as well. So far, I've discovered (or fear) that several options in adoption may be closed to us because we are too fat, or too crazy, or not religious enough, or too unwilling to move to Kazakhtan for 2 months. If I ever hear anyone say "just adopt" again, I may pop them.

I feel frantic. I feel like I NEED to find a solution RIGHT NOW. I need some positive forward progress. And, it all feels like too much right now. The frenzy I feel is not good and makes me wonder if I'll have the strength for this long road ahead. Google is just as bad when you are considering adoption as when you are frantically searching for the solution to your infertility problems. Sometimes I wonder if we would be better off childless, but then I want to cry. Is it so much to ask to just be a mom?

I'm not sure what the right answer will be for us. Right now, I want someone to tell me what it is so that I can take a deep breath. And, I'm really hoping that some calm and clarity settle in soon and that at least some of this frenzy is related to the fact that I do have my period.

Healing and contemplating the adoption option

2010-02-25T05:24:00.000-06:00

I've been pretty ok since my big disappointment last week. Surprisingly, I"m not sad just disappointed. I'm still living in the faith that I will be a mom one day, one way. My husband and I spent some time this weekend reconnecting and contemplating our options. I've jumped right back on the Weight Watchers and exercise bandwagon. I think I just need Dr. B to call me every couple of months and tell me to lose weight in his calming and non-judgemental way. I swear, nothing gets me on program like someone telling me that I need to lose weight in order to have a baby!

We've been seriously contemplating the adoption option. Seriously to the point where I think that might be our next step. I've been researching programs and agencies and starting to make a financial plan to make it happen. My family has been awesome. I have two brothers and a sister (and a mom and dad). My siblings are all married as well. I didn't want to have to retell my story to all 8 of them, so I talked to my Mom, Dad, and sister and sent a mass e-mail to the rest of the gang telling them what happened and asking them to think about and open their hearts to the possibility that their niece or nephew may be adopted and of a different race than they are. Each of them sent me a wonderfully supportive e-mail. They all expressed that they would love our child no matter what. I cried (and my Mom cried because, naturally, they all hit "reply all" when they responded!).

Additionally, my Mom and Dad have given us a wonderful gift. Mom has said that if we adopt she would volunteer to provide childcare for the first year. The savings in the alone would help us pay for half of the adoption. This is pretty amazing for her to do. I would never ask or expect that my Mom babysit - she has her own life. But, if she did this for us, it would make the adoption option so much more feasible.

So, now I'm obsessed with researching adoption. This weekend, my husband and I plan on making a financial plan to be able to afford the cash layout needed for adoption and hopefully we'll schedule an informational meeting with an agency or two.

I am struggling a bit with feeling at lose ends and not having anything to look forward to. I was like this after my first failed IVF last summer. So, I'm working on coming up with some personal goals to help myself move forward - books to read, knitting challenges, home projects, etc. It helps me mentally to have goals and a way to mark the time.

I'll keep you posted. I haven't ruled out pursuing IVF again. I'm not sure if we'll do that this summer, or if we will go full steam ahead on adoption and "reserve" IVF for an attempt at a second child. We shall see.

Day 8 - Busted Cycle

2010-02-19T15:44:00.000-06:00

I went for monitoring this morning, and things did not work out as we had planned. Although my estrogen rose to 923, and I only had 4 follicles (21, 18, 14, 12). The nurse wanted me to come back tomorrow and then talk to one of the nurse about possible canceling if the response wasn't any better. I asked to talk to my doctor at that point. He wasn't in the clinic, but in his academic office. Dr. B called me back within 2 minutes. We talked about my response this cycle, and said he didn't know why it was so lousy - actual word usage. We discussed that I only had this last insurance paid cycle, and I didn't want to "waste" it. Therefore, he thought is best to scrap the cycle.

Dr. B and I talked a bit about future plans. I asked him his opinion on me waiting three months or so and working on losing weight in the mean time. He thought that was a good idea. I said to him that right now I know that I want to use the insurance-paid cycles that I have, and that I could physically and emotionally keep going through IVF until it worked, but at some point, when it becomes my own money, I need to figure out where to throw it. He agreed with me and said that I have other options. He said that you could also consider adoption. I can't tell you how much it touched me that he said that. To me, that was him acknowledging that I am choosing to work with his clinic and validating my option of adoption. I also said to him that he had always been very honest with me and that I'm sure he would tell me if he didn't think this would work. He responded that he thought it could work, and that I shouldn't give up hope, but that it was just a matter of figuring out the right protocol and time.

After talking to my husband and a few hours, I paged Dr. B. I don't think that is the normal protocol in contacting your doctor through the clinic, but he's been so nice about it before. He called me back in about 5 minutes. I asked him if I would ovulate on my own, and he said that I wouldn't. So, we talked about options and agreed that I could trigger tonight and try to get pregnant through the Baby Dance method. I'm not holding out much hope that this will work, especially with a combo of crappy eggs and crappy sperms, but why not. Of course, Dr. B had to caution that 4 eggs could equal 4 babies. To which I responded, "Really? Do we really think that will happen?" Of course, he said no. So, hubby is buying a bottle of wine or two and we're going to "be romantic" a bit this weekend.

I think I'm also going to really think about my options and what I need to do next. I'm going to make a new game plan for losing weight. I may sign up for a running race at the end of May as a goal to work towards. I may also reach out to a co-worker of my Dad's who has adopted three daughters from China. I think that in the next 3 months or so, M and I will need to figure out if we want to start down the path towards adoption now, and then possibly try IVF in a few years for a second child, or if we want to close one door before opening another. I'm not sure. We are at the point where we may age out of some international adoption programs for my husband. Additionally, I am approaching 34, and we all know what happens then with female fertility. A lot to think about coming up.

I'm sad. Really sad. My husband is sad too - probably more so than I've seen him after one of these disappointments. I think I will pull my baby loss necklace out of storage again and remember the life that once lived inside of me. I think I might also book a mini getaway over Mother's Day weekend.

Day 6 - the freak out

2010-02-17T11:53:00.000-06:00

I'm on day 6 of stims and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. My E2 was 625 and I have two follicles on my right at 15 and 19 and "some" less than 10 on my left and right. This feels like I'll never get there. They reminded me that I need 3 at 16 or greater for retrieval and that I might lose the 19.

I am on a different protocol this time, so I can't really compare to last cycle. However, last cycle at 8 days my E2 was at 904 and I had a handful between 10 and 13 and I think a few bigger ones. I guess I'm just having that "last chance IVF" freak out where I'm concerned something will go wrong and the cycle will be a bust. Hopefully not, but if it is going to bust, I'd like to NOT go to retrieval so that I can live to fight another day.

The nurse says that Dr. B. doesn't want to change anything and that I should come in again on Friday morning for another u/s and b/w. I'm holding myself back from calling him directly. If I lose the 19 I might. I'm just in that uncomfortable waiting place and I hate it.

Random observation on IVF #3

2010-02-15T16:19:00.000-06:00

I started Ganirelix today. My husband and I had the day off today. We went downtown for my ultrasound and blood work, and then planned on going shopping, catching a movie, and getting groceries. My nurse called me at about 10:30 to give me the results of my monitoring. My estridiol is about 332. I have several follicles under 10 on my left and right ovaries. Additionally, on my right ovary, I have one at 16 and one at 13. So, she told me to take my Ganirelix as soon as possible. I was 45 minutes away at the time in Macy's. It's a good thing I wasn't working because I was able to finish up my shopping and get home by noon inject myself. I asked my nurse how I was progressing, and she said that I'm a little bit slow, but we'll see. Hopefully this cycle isn't a bust. I can't remember how big the lead follicle usually needs to get before you trigger. I also don't have any experience with Ganrilex.

Also, the injection sucked. It felt like the needle was pretty thick. I had a hard time sticking it in my thigh, and it felt like it stuck on the way out. Nothing like Follistim which slides in like butter. The Ganirelix has a warning, "do not take if you are pregnant or plan on becoming pregnant." WTF??? I thought that was funny. It also warns that it may cause headaches. Since I've had a headache almost daily, I'm really excited about the prospect of that. Good times. Oh well, it will all be worth it if I end up with a baby one day.

And were off!

2010-02-13T08:11:00.000-06:00

I started stims on Thursday. So far, so good. It was a little strange giving myself my injection on Thursday. It's been so long since I've had to do that, that both my husband and I felt a mixture of happiness and sadness about it. But, I'm happy to have the chance again to have a baby, and am hopeful that the third time is the charm.

So far, I don't have any symptoms, but I did get to skip the Lupron this time as I'm on an antagonist protocol. I've heard that Ganirelix can be a bit of a bitch, so we'll see. I don't know if I'm imagining it or not, but I feel some twinges in my ovary region. So, I'm hopeful that means that my ovaries are starting to ramp up. I'm working on giving them some positive reinforcement.

I am trying to occupy myself during this cycle by focusing on taking some control of the rest of my life. I've recently read a book called The Happiness Project and I loved it. I'm inspired to take a more active role in what I do and surround myself with. So, I'm working on organizing my house, I'm planning on clearing out my closet this weekend and getting rid or putting away all the clothes that don't fit or that I don't like. I'm getting a haircut today and a new style. I'm experimenting in the kitchen. I'm studying for a professional certification exam. I'm disconnecting from work on the weekend. And, finally, I'm working on doing random acts of kindness for my husband. All of this is helping me to feel like I'm making some progress in my life and in my goals, and distracting me from the BIG GOAL that I'm struggling to achieve.

I'm also super excited to be cycling during the Olympics. Talk about a distraction! I love it and really enjoy watching all the sports and the human interest stories. It would have been ideal if the Olympics were during my 2 week wait, but not so much.

And finally, I just want to thank everyone who reads my blog for all the support. It is amazing to be a part of this community and have a group of people out there who check in on me during this process and provide such wonderful support for me in all my ramblings. I can't imagine going through IVF and the infertility struggle without a support group. Thank you all for giving me such wonderful support!

Cautiously Optimistic or Self Preservingly Negative?

2010-02-09T19:05:00.000-06:00

During IVF #2, I was easily in the cautiously optimistic camp. I sought out statistics and used them to comfort myself with their soothing numbers and message. I would tell my self that the success rate of my clinic was, on average, above 50%. Therefore, it was likely that my IVF would be successful. Once I got pregnant, I comforted myself by saying that the chances that I would carry the baby to term were very high. Chances were that things would work out ok. After I saw the heartbeat, I comforted myself with the statistics that said that once you saw the heartbeat the chances of miscarriage dropped way down.

I was clearly walking in the sunshine with a "half-full" glass. And, we all know how that worked out.

So, as I embark on IVF #3 tomorrow, I am trying to decide which camp to belong to this time. I know that no matter what I tell myself, my body is going to do what it wants. I know, that if I should get pregnant, not feeling the joy of it won't keep miscarriage away. Not sharing my happy new won't keep miscarriage away. Not knitting baby clothes, buying a few baby items, thinking of life as a mom, and celebrating the secret joy of having a life inside of me won't keep me from feeling the pain if that life should slip away. Life is short and pregnancy can be fleeting. If I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again, I don't want to waste what little time I might have being afraid. I want to celebrate while I can because I'd take the pain of miscarriage again just for the hope and opportunity to have a baby, even if I am never able to have one. It's worth it to me.

On the other hand, statistics may not be so comforting to me this time. I am trying a new protocol. Which, hopefully will improve my crappy fertilization rates. But, it might not. Dr. B has told me that my odds of miscarriage could be 50% or higher. Of course, this is a guess as we don't really know why I miscarried.

How do I balance this need to celebrate and be hopeful with this need to protect myself should I not get pregnant or should I miscarry? I need a game plan to keep it together.

IVF #3

2010-02-08T20:57:00.000-06:00

My morning started off with a bit of excitement. I am still adjusting to the time change after vacation, and I had an early start this morning because I wanted to get to to doctor close to 7 a.m. I had been forgetting to take my prenatal vitamins at night while on vacation. I found them in my makeup bag this morning, so I popped one. Well, about 45 minutes later I started to feel nauseous. About 30 seconds later I was throwing up. Happy Monday!

All is clear on my ultrasound.. That's the first time I've gotten the go-ahead on my ovaries at my baseline ultrasound. Yeah! The plan is that on Thursday I start with 225 of Follistim and I go back for my next ultrasound and blood work on Monday. So, this is going to happen.

I'm trying to balance the hope with the fear right now. I really want this to work, but I'm starting to get to the point where I want to know if it will work or not so I can move on.

I also put away my baby loss necklace. I think that I needed to close that chapter, at least for awhile, so that I can focus on the possibilities of lucky number 3.

That was fun...

2010-02-07T07:22:00.000-06:00

We are back in Chicago after our amazing and wonderful (and needed) trip to Hawaii. We had the BEST time. The first four days were spent on the North Shore of Oahu. I loved seeing where my husband used to live back when he was in the Army - very cool to learn more about that part of his life. Our resort in Oahu was great and we had amazing views of the ocean. I loved just sitting out by the pool and watching and listening to the surf. We went kayaking and saw green sea turtles while we were there. Very fun.

We then moved to Maui, which is just gorgeous. It is amazing how different the two islands look to me. Again, the resort was gorgeous. While in Maui we did a couple really cool things. We went bike riding down the volcano - Haleakala - which was super scary but fun. And, we went on a whale watching cruise and saw a ton of humpback whales. That was so amazing, I can't even describe how cool that was. We also spent plenty of time relaxing by the pool / ocean and enjoying sitting in a hammock and feeling the sun on our faces.

We both feel rested and relaxed and hopeful after our trip. I even bought something for my future child - a little t-shirt that says "Little Turtle" in hawaiian. I washed in and am putting it away for when I birth or adopt a baby.

We are now trying to get ourselves adjusted to the time change and get ready to jump into Monday and a new IVF cycle. I have a baseline ultrasound tomorrow morning. We needed this vacation so badly and enjoyed it so much, that I feel like I can handle what comes next.

Here are a few pictures of our trip to Hawaii. Enjoy!

Aloha!

2010-01-27T07:13:00.000-06:00

I am officially on vacation. I'm at home today so that I can clean my house, do laundry, pack, take my dog and one of my cats to be boarded, and get my nails done. The car comes for us tomorrow at 7am, and our flight leaves from O'Hare Airport at 10a.m. I'll be in Hawaii tomorrow afternoon.

I am beyond excited about this trip. I've wanted to go to Hawaii for 15 years - since I met my husband shortly after his Army stint in Hawaii. In college, where I was a dietetics major (I am not in that field now), we ran a student restaurant, and all the students had to plan and serve a "theme" meal to paying customers. My meal was a Hawaiian Luau. I think that in speech class, I gave a speech about the Hawaiian Islands. I've been thinking about this trip for years, and it has always been my dream vacation.

We'll be staying at Turtle Bay Resort for four nights, and the Hyatt Regency in Maui for 3 nights. Our plans are to enjoy the islands, see the sun, kayak, snorkel, go see the volcano in Maui, and overall relax and reconnect. And disconnect. I'm hoping to stay off the internet, stay away from my e-mails, and step away from my "normal" life somewhat. I need this trip, and I need to step away for a bit.

And, when I come back, we jump into IVF number 3. My baseline ultrasound will be the Monday I return. I'm hopeful about this cycle - which scares me. I've always had it in my head that we would have children after we were able to go to Hawaii. I'm so hopeful that this comes true. As my husband says, through science or finance, we will have our family one day soon.

Finally Better!

2010-01-17T08:37:00.000-06:00

After two weeks of being sick, I woke up this morning and finally felt a bit better. I have only worked one full day this year, and have just been down for the count with some nasty virus. I hit rock bottom on Thursday afternoon. I was in so much pain. My throat hurt so badly. I was just miserable. I went back to the doctor, and they told me that I could take much more pain medication than I had been taking. I think that made the difference. I was able to get past the pain and get some sleep which allowed me to finally start feeling better. I can't tell you how good that feels!

I am planning on going to work tomorrow (weird!). I don't even remember what that is like. Today, I need to get myself together. I'm a wreck. My first mission is to get my nails done. They look terrible! So, I am determined to find a place to get a manicure today! I also need to deal with my eyebrows. Ugh! I think I also need to replace some makeup after the illness, so that should be fun. I need to keep myself from doing too much so that I don't relapse.

On the IVF front, I need to call my nurse on Monday and get her to order my medications. I'll start my IVF cycle in February after my (much needed) vacation. I am hopeful that maybe this will be successful. If it is, I could end up with a baby by my husband's 40th birthday in November. I can't imagine a better gift. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but I need to live in the light a little bit in order to have the courage to take this chance again.

One step forward, 5 steps back

2010-01-12T08:21:00.000-06:00

I may have spoken too soon in my last post. I knit on my sweater for a few hours on Sunday, but then realized that I put one of the sleeves on upside down. So, I have to now unknit the sweater. Err!!! Oh well, I'd rather it be right and I'm glad I caught it now. That would have been tragic if I hadn't noticed the mistake until much later. I still have sweater love.

And, despite my energy on Sunday, I'm still sick and feeling worse. I went to the doctor yesterday and was diagnosed with having a virus. They gave me some inhalers and cough medicine and sent me on my way. This morning, I woke up with pink eye. So, I'm heading back to the doctor.

I go to Hawaii in just over 2 weeks, so needless to say I'm totally freaked out that my husband will get sick. So far, he's ok. Hopefully that stays.

My boss is awesome. She's letting me flex my time and work partial days or work from home to let me get better (and probably to protect the health of the rest of the staff as well.)

Fun with Yarn

2010-01-10T17:14:00.000-06:00

I've been sick for the past 5 days. I'm still under the weather a bit, but I finally found the idea medicine cocktail today and felt like I was miraculously cured. It was AMAZING the difference I felt in such a short amount of time. All of a sudden, I was overwhelmed with energy - I could breathe and talk again, I felt like getting up off the couch, I wanted to go outside, I wanted to do everything. It felt so good to feel better.

So, after my husband talked me out of doing anything crazy, and after my failed attempt to get a manicure (I need it so bad too, but who would think that the salon would be closed on Sunday?), I decided to get crazy and dig out some knitting projects that have been languishing for a year plus. It was so much fun to dig out the sweater I've been making for over a year, and see how close I am to being finished. I sat on the couch and knit for about an hour. I forgot how enjoyable it is to knit. Now I'm re-enthused to dig into my knitting projects again. What fun!

Back to Reality

2010-01-04T20:39:00.000-06:00

The past week or so have been so busy, and so full of "events." I'm happy to get back to reality tomorrow. In addition to my new niece who was born mid December, my little brother just got married on Saturday. It is crazy to think that me and my 3 siblings are all married - and even crazier that my little brother (ok, he's 27, so I guess not that little) is married. As my sister and I were joking, he is forever 12 or 17 in our minds. I feel like I should be tricking him into getting things from my bedroom and other errands rather than wishing him well on his wedding day! He was pretty cute at the wedding too - he cried when he saw his wife walking up the aisle. Neither my sister nor I were in the wedding, which seemed kind of weird. But, it was ok to just be a guest too. However, our husband's were in the wedding. He had 7 groomsmen, and they were all pretty nice guys. We had a fun time at the reception.

M. and I took a vacation day today and just spent time getting our house back in order and relaxing. Tomorrow we are back at work and back in to real life again. Thankfully, we are only 24 days away from our trip to Hawaii (not that I'm counting!).

In TTC news, I just started my period, and the pill. I feel like shit, which is always fun. I go for my ultrasound February 8th (I'm delaying IVF until after my trip, and also attempting to skip my next period lest I get it while on the beach. Poor planning on my part!)

I need to get back on my weight loss program, which I've found myself struggling with recently with the holidays. I've started to ease myself back into it today, and will be jumping right in tomorrow!

Baby Dreams

2009-12-28T16:07:00.000-06:00

During the holidays, I was able to spend time with my nieces and newphew and cousin's children. The 5 of them range in age from 10 days to almost 5 years old. I love how the older ones personalities are starting to develop. And, I love the younger ones who are just on the verge of being more verbal. And, the baby smell of my newborn niece. As I hugged them and held my niece, I tried to picture what it would be like, what it would feel like if I was holding or hugging my own child. It is so unimaginable for me. Will I ever have a 7 pound baby that's mine? Will I ever be able to look at a child and say, "Oh, she has my eyes"? Will I ever see my self or my husband or our families reflected back at me in my child?

I think that my IVF treatment in February is my last. I don't know for sure, but I feel like I've made the decision to move on if it doesn't work. I can't tell if this is self preservation, or a true decision. I don't know how I'll feel if my IVF isn't successful, but I'm trying this decision on for size right now. It is scary, but it feels ok. I'm hopeful (so hopeful) that things work out, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

I'm starting to prepare my mind for adoption. I've started reasearching my options, and am starting to figure out how to pay for it (I think that Visa is a fine name for a child, don't you?). I think I have an agency, and I think I know what route I would take. I think. I know I won't be able to jump into that until I feel that I'm "done" with infertility treatments. And, I plan to schedule a WTF with Dr. B if this doesn't work out as well, just to find out why and what his opinion is on future chances for success.

A Christmas Wish

2009-12-25T11:34:00.000-06:00

This Christmas has been better than I anticipated so far. I've enjoyed having time to spend with my family, holding my new niece for the first time, and having time to relax. My sisters and brothers and I put on a Christmas skit last night for our extended family - complete with the girls wearing shirts that said "Ho." It was silly and funny. This morning, M and I had a quiet morning alone, and will host my Mom and Dad for dinner tonight. Then, tomorrow we'll have Christmas with just my mom and dad and brothers, sisters, and nieces.

Despite the good times, Christmas lately makes me remember what I don't have. Seeing my brother and his new baby, my cousins little boys, my nieces and nephew - makes me feel a little set apart.

I have a wish for next Christmas. Let me be experiencing the joys of new motherhood. Or, let me be pregnant. Or, let me be beginning the adoption or third party reproduction process. Let me be one step closer to being a mom.

I wish the same to all of you still on this side of the infertility battle. Thanks for all of the support and the community you've shown me this past year. A year ago, I was just starting my quest to get pregnant with the help of my RE. I was alone and lost. A year later, I've been through the ringer with IF, but I've also found the ALI Community. I've learned so much from all of you, and I'm thankful to not be alone on this journey.

Merry Christmas!

Randoms

2009-12-16T19:46:00.000-06:00

1. I met the baby on Saturday. She's beautiful and I fell instantly in love. At first, I was worried to be around her and my 4 year old niece (the new niece's sister), thinking that they would make me "miss" not having a baby of my own. However, that is not the case. They make me feel better. I think it is because these two children are in my life and I get to love them as much as I want. And, they love me back.

2. Work is ABSOLUTELY crazy busy right now. I don't understand, nor do I approve. I'm supposed to have some free time to get organized and get a head start on my huge winter / spring project. That is not to be as I've been sucked into some crazy vortex. Not cool.

3. Christmas shopping is progressing, but has hit a bit of a standstill. I haven't even started shopping for my husband yet. I had planned to head out at lunch a few times this week, but that didn't happen (see number 2).

4. I'm doing really good and having fun with my exercise program. I've gotten to where I feel like I can run. I did a hill workout today on the treadmill that about killed me. It was so hard that it was fun. And, I'm only five pounds away from my goal that I set with Dr. B.

5. My giant dog is a nut. He ate a book today while we were at work because we left the armoire open. Jackass. It was set aside for my Hawaii trip.

Bittersweet

2009-12-12T17:36:00.000-06:00

Today has been a bit of a mixed bag of emotions. We went to see the Blind Side today, which has a foster / adopt theme. It was such a sweet story. And, I found myself crying through movie. Then, my brother and his wife gave birth to their second baby today. She's an IVF baby as well, and I'm so happy to be an Aunt again, and so happy for my brother and sister-in-law to have an infertility happy ending (times 2 as they also have a IUI 4 yr old), and just happy that the baby is healthy. Yet, I was crying while hearing the news. I think they were partly happy tears, and partly tears at what might have been. And then I had to stop in the hallway of the movie theater as sobs overcame me. I pulled it together and walked out of the movie theater and went across the street to the grocery store to get something for dinner. Then, my brother called me. I was glad to talk to him, but struggled to keep my voice from quivering with my tears. I feel wrung out a bit. The baby is beautiful, and I love her already even though I haven't met her yet. Tomorrow we will go to the hospital to see her, and I'm hoping I can keep it together. This is a happy time, and it isn't about me.

After my miscarriage, I made my husband promise me that he would make me a mom one day, one way. I've been thinking recently about how that might happen. I believe that I'll be a Mom one day, and I'm trying to stay hopeful that I might be able to give birth to a take home baby that is genetically mine. However, I also know that the odds of that happening don't necessarily fall in my favor. I recently learned that my insurance will likely only cover one more cycle, rather than the two I thought I'd still have. So, my hope has dwindled a bit.

I know it will happen. I believe I'll have someone to mother one day. I have hope in that and I'm doing everything possible to make that happen - losing weight, following the the Fertility Diet, saving money so I have an adoption or donor egg fund (after my Hawaii trip, of course), and constantly working to boost myself up.

IVF #3

2009-12-09T19:39:00.000-06:00

I spoke with my IVF coordinator today and have the schedule for my third IVF cycle. Details:

I start the pill at the end of December (with the hope of magically skipping my period at the end of January while I'm in Hawaii)
Last pill February 7th
Baseline ultrasound on February 8th (first day back at work!)
If all goes well (given my past experience, I am not holding my breath on that one), I'll start Follistim February 11th.
Retrieval will be between February 20th and 25th

It feels weird to have the details down and be on the schedule. I'm actually excited. I still plan on calling Dr. B in mid January to clear up some questions and check in with him on where I am with my weight loss, and what his thoughts are on my progress. I want to have the best shot possible with IVF #3, and if Dr. B recommends I wait and lose more weight, I'd be totally cool with that. I'm working really hard on that right now, and I think I'll hit my target weight loss by mid January. I wonder if it would make my chances better if I waited and lost more...?

A season of giving

2009-12-08T21:06:00.000-06:00

As I have written before, M and I wanted to celebrate this holiday season. One way we decided to do this was to fulfill the Christmas wishes of a DCFS child. It felt nice to make the Christmas dreams of a child come true as a way of honoring the memory, albeit privately, of the child we lost. So, we were given the wish list of a little boy named Keion. He wanted a skateboard and some GI Joe figures. We are so clueless when it comes to buying stuff, it was pretty funny, but we managed to pull together 3 GI Joe figures, a skateboard, knee, wrist and elbow pads (safety first!), and a Blackhawks sweatshirt.

It was fun to do, and I think it is a tradition we will continue. I hope little Keion enjoys his Christmas.

Ornaments

2009-12-06T07:16:00.000-06:00

I don't have a themed Christmas tree. The ornaments we have are mostly those that have been given to us, that we've bought on vacations, or that have a special meaning. It's fun to put up the tree and see all those special ornaments and remember the trips and the special occasion. We also have a personalized ornament for each member of our family (and, yes, I've decided that I'm claiming the word "family" for us. My collection of two people and a slew of animals and an angel baby might not make a family in most people's minds, but I'm claiming "family" nonetheless). I have a personalized ornament, so does M, the dog, and each of the 3 cats. Recently, we added a personalized ornament for the baby we lost.

We went to Things Remembered and bought a personalized ornamanent. It was a mirrored angel with a 2009 charm. We had it engraved to say "Our Angel" and the name that we gave the baby. I like having the ornament for the baby and the acknowledgment that he existed for us. I also like that because the ornament is a mirror, it kind of disappears into the tree. It is there if you look for it, but it is hard to see unless you look.

For some reason, I feel weird about admitting that we named the baby that we miscarried. It isn't something that I talk about publicly, but is more a private thing between my husband and myself. I think it has helped us cope with the loss a bit. And, If we have future pregnancies, I wanted to try to separate the baby we lost with the baby we carried. We decided that the baby was a boy, and named him Allan Michael. It is not the name we would likely have given had he been born, but it is a family name, honors M's Uncle who recently passed away and on whose birthday our egg transfer occurred.

Sigh...

2009-11-30T19:32:00.000-06:00

It just dawned on me that I would have been 19 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I almost lost it in my office and had a crying breakdown. I haven't had that happen in quite awhile.

Imagine how my life would be different now if that baby had stuck around.

Let the Holidays Begin

2009-11-28T18:26:00.001-06:00

Our Thanksgiving ended up being ok after-all. Husband is doing much better, and we were even able to leave the house today and decorate the outside of our home. It looks so cute!

As I've mentioned, I'm throwing myself into the holidays this year. I am working on a digital scrapbook to document every day of my holiday activities and memories this year. So, I've uploaded the page I made for today. Despite jumping right in, I still have moments where I stop and remember where I should have been if my pregnancy had remained viable. I should have been finding out the gender soon. I should have been shopping for a maternity dress for my holiday party and my brother's wedding. I should have been feeling movement. I should have been eagerly anticipating the birth of my new niece in the next week or so - and imagining that our children will grow up together. I should have been celebrating Christmas as a pregnant woman with the knowledge that next Christmas would have me holding a 7 month old.

These wishes and unfulfilled dreams still cut me deeply. On the outside I'm fine and even happy. And truthfully, I'm doing really well. But, I still remember what should have been and it still hurts. I have many blessings and things to be thankful for right now. And, I wish and hope that next Christmas will have me counting different blessings, fulfilled dreams, and being thankful for my ultimate wish coming true.

It's a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

2009-11-25T15:25:00.000-06:00

My husband is sick with the flu or some bug or something. I love him, but he is an AWFUL patient. He's resting comfortably now, and I'm hoping he's getting better.

I hope I don't get sick. It doesn't look fun.

So, our Thanksgiving plans have changed. We will be staying home. I went to the grocery store this afternoon, and bought some stuff to make a sad little Thanksgiving dinner. We will be having turkey breast, canned gravy, stove top stuffing, grocery store pumpkin pie, refrigerator rolls, and canned green beans. Sad little Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.

My Holiday Strategy

2009-11-23T20:51:00.000-06:00

Last Christmas was rough. We had just found out about our infertility diagnosis, and I was dwelling on the thought that M and I would be that couple in the family - the one everyone takes pity on at the holidays because they don't have any family of their own. A year later, I've been through a roller coaster of a year - two IVF cycles, one miscarriage, and a poor prognosis for success.

Last year, I tried to skip Christmas or at least gloss over it. It didn't work. Christmas still happened, and I felt worse for not making the effort to celebrate. So, this year, I'm trying a new approach. I'm going all in with Christmas this year. My Christmas cards are written out, we hung lights outside, I "adopted" a DCFS child to bestow gifts on - the whole works. I've even convinced my brother's and sisters to stage a surprise skit for Christmas Eve. (The girls are going to wear red t-shirts that say "HO" on them, and the boys are going to dress as Gangsta Santas. We're going to do Christmas Carrol raps). My brother is getting married January 2nd, and my other brother and sister-in-law will be birthing a baby in the next week or so.

Despite my sorrows and struggles this past year, there is a lot to celebrate. And, I'm NOT going to wallow in my childlessness. I'm going to celebrate Christmas and enjoy the season as much as I can. I'm realistic in that it will not be easy, and there will be some sad times, but I think (and hope) that I'll get out out of what I put into it. And, this year, I'm putting in the effort.

Vacation!

2009-11-21T19:32:00.000-06:00

I just booked a trip to Hawaii for my anniversary. I am so excited! My husband and I are heading to Oahu on January 28th to Oahu. We are staying at the Turtle Bay Resort on the North Shore for 4 nights. I've you've ever seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall, the movie was set primarily at the Turtle Bay Resort. After 4 nights, we are heading to Maui where we will be staying at the Hyatt Regency Maui Resort and Spa for three nights.

I've never been to Hawaii before. In fact, this is basically my dream vacation. We didn't get a honeymoon, and haven't traveled very extensively at all. I am SO beyond excited about this trip. It is really something to look forward to, and I think I'll have fun with the planning as well.

My husband used to live in Hawaii years ago when he was in the Army, so I think that Oahu is a special place for him and I'm looking forward to learning something more about him after all these years together. I also have always had it in my mind that we would start a family after we've had the opportunity to take our dream vacation. Of course, in my mind we would go to paradise and get pregnant on vacation. We all know that isn't going to happen!

As far as my IVF plans, I am going to schedule a meet up with Dr. B in mid January. I hope to start BCPs with my period in January, and start stimming when I return from Hawaii. I think that the timing will work out ok. If not, I'll put it off until February / March. I want to do one cycle in the winter, and, if that's not successful, I'll wait until after Mother's Day (and my miscarried baby's due date). So, I don't mind waiting a bit. I also need more time to work on my weight loss plans. To date, I've lost about 30 pounds since I was pregnant. I want to lose another 10 to 20 pounds before we try again.

That's my story. Welcome all ICLWers!

Show and Tell - Shark Cupcakes

2009-11-19T20:13:00.000-06:00

As my "regular" readers will know, my husband has been out of town for 4 weeks (coming home only for short weekend visits). He was on his way home last Friday night, and his birthday was Monday. I knew we wouldn't be able to celebrate his birthday together, so I planned a surprise.

I recently purchased the book Hello Cupcake, and decided to make him Shark Cupcakes as a birthday surprise. So, I cut out of work a bit early and stocked up on supplies. After dinner, I got started with the Shark Cupcake baking. I made vanilla cupcakes, and dyed all my frosting - blue, gray, and black, and set out all my goodies.

The sharks were made out of twinkies with little cookies stuck in the side to make fins. I used mini chocolate chips for the eyes and frosting to make the mouth and teeth. They were a bit difficult to make - you glue the twinkies on to the cupcakes with frosting and then freeze them for a bit to get them to stick. Then, you dip the sharks into the gray frosting. My sharks kept falling off into the frosting and I had to fish (HA! No pun intended!) then out and try to repair them.

These were fun to make. I cracked myself up with how absolutely ridiculous they were. They were a definite time killer and helped me pass the time until my husband got home.

I arranged them all on my glass cake plate. I also made school of fish cupcakes with little juju fish. This picture is of my cupcakes with a picture of the cupcakes from the book. Mine are clearly not as perfect as the ones in the book, but I think they look halfway decent.

Now, head on over to the Stirrup Queens and see what the rest of the class is showing.

Knife. In. Heart

2009-11-13T21:48:00.000-06:00

As I mentioned, I went on a one-day business trip yesterday to Columbus, OH. My boss and I went to evaluate a company. We spent the afternoon with the 4 executives. We were making small talk about how early we had to get up to catch our flight. My boss brought up the fact that I had to wake up at 3:45 to take care of my dog prior to catching our flight, while she has two sons, but didn't have to take care of them because her husband was home. To be clear, I didn't bring up the fact that I have animals - my boss did. I try not to talk about them too much in public because I don't want to be that woman.

Later on in the day, one of the guys said, "When my wife and I were first married, we had a dog. And, that was almost like our child. It is amazing how once you have children, the importance of the dog in your life goes way down."

It was like a knife to my heart. Thanks, jackass. Way to point out what I'm missing and totally dismiss my life, as it is right now, all with two sentences.

Feeling a little off

2009-11-11T20:09:00.000-06:00

Today is two months since my miscarriage. It is 14 years since I met my husband. It is 14 years since my Grandpa died. So, one of those days thinking about the things that happen that shape your life.

My husband is on week 3 of his business trip. I'm fortunate that he has the opportunity to come home on the weekend, but it isn't enough. He has only been home long enough to do laundry and leave again. I just miss him. I know that I'm lucky compared to some - especially on this Veteran's Day.

I didn't wake up and workout this morning. I set 3 alarms and just turned them all off. I'm not even sure I made a conscious decision to NOT workout. It was 4 in the morning after all. With M. gone, I'm not sure how I could take care of the home stuff and workout at any other time than 4am.

I have to travel tomorrow. I'm flying out to Columbus, OH in the morning and returning in the afternoon. I am not used to traveling. And, there is just so much to deal with at home that it stresses me out a bit.

I just want a hug. I've had a rough week with the hysteroscopy on Monday, busy work days, and the stress of traveling. I can't wait for M. to come home on Friday night, even if he is running out the door on Sunday morning.

I could just use a hug.

Procedures

2009-11-09T18:31:00.000-06:00

Well, my hyster.oscopy and polyect.omy went off ok today. I'm home now and recovering fine. My mom was unable to take me to the appointment because my sister in law, who is 32ish weeks pregnant with plac.enta pre.via, was rushed to the hospital with bleeding. My parents drove out there at 11 at night to pick up my 4 1/2 year old niece to bring over for the night. So, my sister came with me to the appointment.

The procedure itself was a breeze. I was pretty much awake for it, although not making much sense. I was able to watch on the screen, which was pretty cool. I saw Dr. B. take out one polyp. He said there were a few others, but they were small and he couldn't even grab them with the grabber dealio.

My sister took me home to my mom's so I could rest for a while. My niece was there, and is just so adorable. We had lunch, and she told us her secrets. Later, she was telling me about one of her dreams about little princesses and knights and fairy godmothers. I asked he who I was in her dream, and she said I was the mommy of the little princesses. When I was getting ready to leave, she said that it made her sad because I reminded her of her mommy. Broke my heart a little bit - so cute.

So, I'm fine. I have a killer headache and some cramps. And, I'm annoyed that I'll potentially have bleeding for 2 to 3 weeks. I'm probably going to bed early tonight and hope to be back on my game tomorrow. I've kind of gone on a food bender the past two days, so I need to get back on track. In my defense, today I don't care. I am eating what is easy to put together.

My sister-in-law is doing ok. They released her from the hospital and they are heading home. She isn't on bedrest yet -although for her own sake, I wish the doctor would do so. She isn't good at "taking it easy."

Thanks for all your support everyone!

Procedure Tomorrow

2009-11-08T19:46:00.000-06:00

I am scheduled for my hysteroscopy tomorrow at 10 a.m. with Dr. B. My mom is taking me. It should be fun for her to be the random 60 year old in the waiting room. I love that there will be a handful of people who will look at her and think, "Really?" My husband is still out of town after breezing back in for 2 nights. This is going on three weeks now. I miss him when he isn't here. A ton. I'm not used to him being away, but I totally understand that I am lucky compared to others. The good news is he is earning tons of overtime. As I've mentioned, we're planning a vacation. I think we've settled on Hawaii. That is my dream vacation, and for my husband, it will be returning home. He is an Army vet, and was stationed in Hawaii for 3 years before we met. I love that we'll be able to afford the trip and still stock up our savings account.

In other news, I managed to lock myself out of the house today. My brother-in-law had to get a giant ladder, put it in my neighbor's yard, climb up to my window, remove the screen, boost up the window - which wasn't locked, and do a roll into my bedroom. Thankfully, my dog bed was right there to give him a soft landing. Of course, my non-watch dog didn't bother to get up off the couch. As a bonus, my dad lectured me on how easy it would be for someone to break in to my house. I'm still thinking it wouldn't be easy - I think people would be noticed dragging ladders or boosting each other up to get into my bedroom window. Plus, how would they know if wasn't locked?

Pregnant Women Everywhere

2009-11-05T18:56:00.000-06:00

My employee finally fessed up to her pregnancy yesterday. I took it pretty well. I've been rehearsing my response for weeks now, so I had time to prepare. I did call her on the fact that I suspected back in August, and she wasn't really hiding anything by wearing maternity pants and sporting a giant baby bump. She's due March 8th and is having a boy. That hurt a bit, because we call the baby we miscarried a boy - even though we don't know for sure.

I did have a hard moment today when I was doing something for work with my boss. We were discussing staff salaries and if anyone had unpaid medical leave. She pointed out that last fiscal year, this employee was on maternity leave. It hit me that she would have maternity leave two fiscal year's in a row. I think I've been lapped twice, and that truly sucks.

Monday Rambling on Moving Forward

2009-11-02T20:54:00.000-06:00

I was at the grocery store today and they had two carts full of baby Halloween costumes on sale for $1.99 each. I went back twice and almost bought one. Why do I torture myself? If I was still pregnant, I'd have a 6 month old next Halloween, who, no doubt, would make an adorable bumble bee. And, wouldn't that be precious if I had been able to dress the baby as a bumble bee and the dog as a bumble bee? But, it's not to be. If I'm lucky enough to get pregnant (and STAY pregnant) in February-ish, I'll still be pregnant in October.

In other news, I have my hysteroscopy tentatively scheduled for Monday. Dr. B. wanted to do it on Friday, but I'm out of town. It is kind of screwed up for scheduling purposes. I have to call on Monday morning at 8am and find out what time my procedure is scheduled for that day. I guess they don't know what time to have me come in until they find out what their egg retrieval schedule is for Monday. Additionally, I have a full day of meetings scheduled for Monday, and will have to reschedule everything. But, I can't reschedule the candidate I have coming in for an interview. So, I'll go in to work for a bit (I work at the hospital) and then hopefully walk across the street late morning for my procedure. To complicate things further, my mom needs to be my ride. My husband has taken several days off for my medical stuff, and he is likely to still be out of town on Monday (bummer). Mom's plan is to drive in to work with me, hang out in the cafeteria reading a book and wait for me to call her with my procedure time. Very inconvenient. But, I don't know what my choices are at this point.

Anyone have experience with hysteroscopies? What can I expect?

I wonder if I can convince Dr. B. to schedule it for Monday early afternoon? That might make my scheduling stuff go much easier....

Thanks to everyone for the great vacation ideas. I am trying to come up with several different options for vacations at different price points so we can make a decision. I'd love to head to the tropics to a nice all inclusive resort. I also want to explore heading to SF or San Diego. It will be cheaper, but not warm in late January when I want to go. But, that might be ok.

Finally, I hate having my period, cramps, and bleeding like it's going out of style. I'm just sayin'...

Hello, visitor

2009-10-31T18:14:00.000-05:00

Aunt Flo just arrived. I did a little happy dance. I've never been so happy to start my period, and am SO ready to move forward!

My husband has been away on a business trip for a week, and is home for 30 hours before departing for another week on business. I was so happy to see him home, but will really miss him again. On the other hand, he's earning mucho overtime. We are dreaming of a nice vacation before starting my next IVF cycle in February-ish. Where should we go???

Aunt Flo, where are you?

2009-10-30T16:42:00.000-05:00

It has been 7 weeks since I had my miscarriage. I was only pregnant for 7w3d. I can't believe how fast the time had gone. I'm in such a better place mentally than I was even a few weeks ago, and am moving forward. One thing that is stopping me from moving forward is that I haven't gotten my period yet since the miscarriage. Dr. B. said that I'd likely get my period 4 to 6 weeks after the miscarriage. However, I bled for about 5 weeks after the miscarriage. Is this normal? Anyone who has been there before have any ideas? I don't chart, so I'm not sure where things are, but I'm pretty sure I ovulated. And, I've been having massive mood swings the past 2 days. But, I've also been working my butt off all week painting my house, and have been without my husband (he's been on a business trip) so I'm tired in general. That could lend to the crankiness.

I am not waiting to start an IVF cycle, so I'm not really in a rush, I just want to close the door on the medical aspects of the miscarriage and move forward. Plus, I want to schedule my hysteroscopy, and I can't do that until I get my period. UGH So frustrated.

A post about pizza

2009-10-27T15:49:00.000-05:00

I used to eat pizza. A lot. Like 3 times a week sometimes. It was a problem, really and truly. Maybe an addiction (please don't mind the crazies I'm sharing here!) The last time I had pizza was September 10th, the day before my miscarriage. Somehow in my mind these two things - pizza and being pregnant / losing my baby - are linked. I can't even bear the thought of eating pizza right now because I remember that the last time I ate it I was pregnant, and the next day I miscarried. I have never gone this long without eating pizza. It's so weird because I don't even want it any more. The thought of eating it sounds good for a minute but then I remember.

I used to eat pizza for celebrations or when I was too tired to cook. It's weird to have my favorite food tied in my mind with something that was so heartbreaking. I think that at this point, I'd like to hold off on eating it until I have a true reason to celebrate - when I bring home a baby.

Motivation

2009-10-25T07:24:00.000-05:00

At my WTF appointment, Dr. B. kindly suggested that if I lost some weight I might have better results with my next IVF cycle. I've jumped all over this and am funneling all my energies into losing weight. In my magical thinking world, this is a guarantee of success. Whatever works.

I've joined Weight Watchers Online and have been obsessively counting points
I've started exercising 6 days a week. Monday through Friday I wake up most days (unless I have to be at work at a weird time) at 4 a.m. and am on my treadmill doing a couch to 5 k program or lifting weights at 4:15 a.m. It's a bit crazy. I'm still half asleep for the first 10 minutes of my workouts.
I've done 3 1/2 hours of cardio this past week and 1 1/2 hours of lifting weights.
I also walk my dog about 3 to 5 hours a week. I don't "count" that as working out since he usually operated in "slow" mode.
I've read The Fertility Diet, and am incorporating these suggestions into my plan, although the milk thing still has me confused.

I've never been more motivated to be successful. Truthfully, I'm a bit obsessive about it. Since I joined Weight Watchers one week after my miscarriage, I've lost 15 pounds. I've lost 10 pound since I last met with Dr. B and he gave me this suggestion.

I think it is generally a positive thing to be so focused. It makes me feel like I am doing something to give myself some chance at success. It makes me feel a bit more in control, although I know I'm not in control. On the other hand, the very first thing I think of every single day is the baby I lost. I'm not sure if I would think about that anyway, or if it is more in the forefront of my mind because the alarm is going off at 4 a.m. so I can workout to help improve my chances of a take home baby. Also, I might need to work on resetting expectations once I start my IVF cycle in January / February. Right now it is helpful to think that all this work is making a huge difference and will guarantee success. When I start cycling, I'll need to get a dose of reality.

Classic Infertile Experience

2009-10-22T19:33:00.000-05:00

I had the classic infertile experience today. Somehow I ended up talking to this girl at work about my infertility. She hadn't heard any of my story before, so I ended up telling her a bit about the infertility experiences and the miscarriage as well as our thoughts that we might consider adoption if our next two IVF cycles aren't successful.

She responded with a bunch of God stuff and then she said it. She said we'd be good parents no matter if our child was natural or adopted. Then she said, "If you adopt, you'll probably get pregnant right away, just like Charlotte in Sex and the City!"

Ok, really, there are a few things wrong with this. First of all, I object to the word "natural." Natural or adopted is just a bit offensive. Then, she really had to go with the once you adopt you'll get pregnant line. How is it that people think this statement is helpful or supportive? It's just offensive to me and minimizes all the pain of IVF and infertility and reduces getting pregnant to "magic" (which it kind of is. But wishing it hard enough, unfortunately, doesn't make it happen). And, it minimizes the decision to adopt. If I do decide to adopt, I hope I am at a point where I've put my dreams of getting pregnant and delivering a baby to rest. I hope that I'm not adopting so that I'll get pregnant.

I replied to her that the adopt to get pregnant is an urban legend and that in my world things are a bit more complicated. She didn't say anything back.

What could have been

2009-10-21T20:17:00.000-05:00

My RE's office is part of a larger group practice. The clinic itself is to the right of the elevator banks and has it's own waiting room. However, to the left of the elevators is the OB/GYN and MFM clinic, the laboratory, and the large waiting room for ultrasounds. The procedure for monitoring appointments is to check in with RE, and then go to the large waiting room to wait for your blood test and ultrasound.

They open at 7am for monitoring appointments. At that hour of the day, it's easy to avoid the fertiles. But, it gets pretty busy.

I work across the street from the clinic, which makes it really convenient. On Monday, I had to get a blood test, and I decided to go at my lunch break to avoid the early morning crowds. So, I checked in and found a spot in the waiting room. It was pretty crowded. I sat there for a few minutes and tuned in to the conversation around me. Someone was asking how big their baby was. Someone asked how far along the pregnant lady next to me was. She said she was 13 weeks. I glanced over at her, and saw her looking at a ream of ultrasound pictures.

She was 13 weeks and had a stack of ultrasound pictures - great quality ultrasound pictures - of her 13 week fetus.

I would have been 13 weeks the next day, and the lady sitting next to me was looking at her ultrasound pictures.

That could have been me, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I almost cried right there in the crowded waiting room full of fertiles.

I thought, "I don't want to be here." And, then I thought, "You don't need to be." So, I got up and relocated myself to the side of the waiting room by the rheumatology clinic. Self preservation at its finest.

It might be silly, but I was proud of myself for taking care of myself and knowing what I needed to do in a situation to feel better.

Welcome - ICLW

2009-10-20T20:04:00.000-05:00

Welcome from ICLW! I am looking forward to meeting new people going in the ALI community, and getting to know your stories. I thought I'd start off ICLW with an intro post.

I was a bit ambivalent about wanting to have a child until I hit 30. I think that once my father-in-law died, I realized that I wanted a baby above anything else. We started trying shortly thereafter. Being a "Type A" personality, I immeditely bought a OPK, and started having se.x on a schedule. As you can imagine, we hated the scheduled aspect of things, so we decided to "just relax" and "let it happen." It didn't.

I wasn't too concerned at this time as I thought we were just not hitting the timing right. I made excuses. Meanwhile, last November, my husband headed to his GP for a regular check-up and was diagnosed with varicocelle. He pushed them to ask what that meant for having a family, and the next thing he knew he was in the andrology lab finding out that he had a MFI diagnosis.

I met with my RE, Dr. B for the first time in February. We were sent right to the top of the fertility treatment chain - IVF with ICSI. Way to go overachiever!

Our first cycle started in April, and ended up with a retrieval on May 31st. The cycle was threatened to be cancelled a few times. I wish they would have done so, since the retrieval netted 0 embryos. Did I mention that May 31st was my birthday?

IVF # 2 started in July and ended with a retrieval in August. Things went better this time. We ended up with 2 embryos and a BFP!

Unfortunately, I miscarried my baby on September 11th at 7w3d. Throughout my short pregnancy, I had several occasions of severe bleeding. At the D&C, they weren't able to get any tissue, so there is no way to know for certain what went wrong. Dr. B is theorizing that it was chromosomal. He has plans for a new protocol (antagonist without estrogen priming) for my next cycle. It would be nice if that would give me better results.

I am currently grieving my loss and coping with my new reality. It's harder than I thought sometimes. I am working on losing weight and getting in shape now before starting my next IVF cycle in January / February. I am hoping that the time away will help me get my head together to tackle another IVF cycle. I'm hoping that losing weight will improve my fertilization results, and will give me a better chance of getting a take home baby.

So, that's where I am now. I have the best husband in the world. And, the best family. And the best pets. They help me get by and make me feel whole.

What are you hiding???

2009-10-16T08:00:00.000-05:00

"Dear Employee -
I'm not sure what you think you're hiding with your over sized sweaters, slouchy posture, and strategic arm placement, but I'm on to you. The Canada Dry Ginger Ale I saw you swigging in August was a clue. So was the change in eating habits, clothing, and multiple doctor's appointments. However, the biggest clue is the GIANT BABY BUMP that you're sporting. Do you think I'm blind?
I'm hoping you fess up soon. It's kind of killing me.

Sincerely,
Your Manager"

Seriously, I suspected back in early August that my employee was pregnant. She is now obviously visibly pregnant, and hasn't said a word. By my counting she is at least 12 weeks. This is her second child. I don't get it. I can't believe she really thinks I don't know. She sits right outside my office and I have to look at her every single day. My husband wants to know why it bothers me so much, and I think it is because I am so afraid that she is due at the same time I am. She is a daily reminder of what I lost and it kills me. It really does.

Every day I brace myself for how I'll react when she tells me the news. I hope I don't flinch. I hope I can come up with some nice words to say. I think I might even go with something along the lines of "I was wondering when you were going to tell me." I hope she's due in March or May and not April. I don't know if I am strong enough to watch that every day. I'm not jealous of her baby - I just want my own.

Insurance Resolution

2009-10-15T11:13:00.000-05:00

A bit ago I posted about a potential opportunity to switch to my husband's insurance and have 4 more IVF cycles covered. I inquired with his insurance company, and learned the following:

"Under Illinois Law, we cover 4 oocyte retrievals in a lifetime. This means that when a patient comes to us, we will hold the first claim and ask the provider for additional information - how many prior retrievals has she had in her lifetime. We count those towards her 4 total, regardless of how they were paid for."

So, the dream is over. Two more IVF cycles for me before we have to make some really hard decisions and open our wallets for our baby making adventures. I hope it doesn't come to that.

A bevy of blog awards

2009-10-14T19:10:00.001-05:00

All the cool kids are showing their blog awards lately. I've had 2 awards bestowed on me recently, so here goes!

Thank you to Jenny for the blog award! Rules
1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers.
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Survey

1. Where is your cell phone? Charging
2. Your hair? brown
3. Your mother? wonderful
4. Your father? protector
5. Your favorite food? steak
6. Your dream last night? none
7. Your favorite drink? pinot
8. Your dream/goal? mommy
9. What room are you in? living
10. Your hobby? knitting
11. Your fear? failure
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? suburbs
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? pregnant
15. Muffins? cranberry-orange
16. Wish list item? baby
17. Where did you grow up? next-door
18. Last thing you did? secret
19. What are you wearing? sweats
20. Your TV? sony
21. Your pets? many
22. Friends? Family
23. Your life? waiting
24. Your mood? unstable
25. Missing someone? Allan
26. Vehicle? Nissan
27. Something you’re not wearing? shoes
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? Pink
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Today
32. Your best friend? Sarah
33. One place that I go to over and over? mom's
34. One person who e-mails me regularly? Sarah
35. Favorite place to eat? Houlihan's

I am awarding this blog award to: (I hope I don't duplicate anyone, but I can't remember who posted what award. Like I said, everyone is doing it!)

Eileen
Jason and Amber
Just me, Dawn
Little Bit O Seoul
Murgdan
Unconventional Journey

Blog awards are fun and a cool way to get to know a bit more about each other. I'm not used to them though, and feel a wee bit like I'm forwarding a chain e-mail!

Next time - a new blog award!

Thoughts on time

2009-10-09T20:03:00.000-05:00

It's been 4 weeks since we lost our baby. I've been un-pregnant longer than I knew I was pregnant. I feel better than I did 4 weeks ago. The first few days were terrible, but I'm doing much better now. I still cry every day, only now its just a little bit rather than huge racking sobs like the first week or so. I still listen to my wallowing music all the time. For some reason it makes me feel better to reconnect with what I had and what I lost by listening to that music.

I'm caught in a space between hope and fear. I am working really hard to get in shape and lose weight. I've lost all my pregnancy weight and IVF weight, and I'm working on the regular old food weight now. I think that the ability to focus on this project is distracting me from the fear of IVF failure and the sadness at losing the baby. I'll take what I can get. I'm starting to feel more like myself, and that is making me happy. At the same time, I would give anything to have been able to keep my pregnancy.

I feel like a different person since the pregnancy. It feels like it changed me so much. Which must seem silly since it was here and gone so fast.

In other news, I am fortunate to have IVF coverage through my insurance. I have 2 more cycles on my insurance. Well, I just found out today that my husband's insurance covers 6 IVF cycles in a life time. They even would cover the costs of a donor cycle (which is insane!). I have to go through the details, but there is a good chance that I'd be able to get 4 more IVF cycles. Including a potential donor egg cycle if it turns out that my eggs are truly crap. I have until Thursday to figure the whole thing out. This potential gives me so much relief, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

Thank you

2009-10-07T08:09:00.000-05:00

I dropped off a note to my RE today to say thank you. Here's what it said:

I wanted to write to you to thank you for the care that you specifically, as well as the other physicians and staff in the clinic, have provided to me. My journey to try and have a baby has been bumpy, and I truly hate the fact that it involves a whole team of physicians and nurses. However, I do appreciate that you are straightforward and honest, while also being considerate of the toll this whole process takes on your patients (I imagine a bunch of hormonal women make for an emotionally fragile patient population). I appreciate that you treat me like a person, take the time to answer all my questions, explain things to me countless times, and that you acknowledge that I have choices in my path toward motherhood.

As I find myself on a break in my IVF journey, I wanted to stop and thank you for the kindness and compassion that has been shown to me so far. Infertility sucks, and I hate that I have to go through all of this, but I feel better knowing that I have a great team of physicians and nurses to help me navigate this path.

I had hoped to be writing him a note to thank him for my beautiful baby, and maybe one day I will have that opportunity. But, I just felt compelled to stop now and thank him now so that he knows that even if I don't get my "take home baby" after all this crap, what he does is important and helps people. And gives me some hope. I want him to know that.

Ups and Downs

2009-10-04T11:00:00.000-05:00

I had a pretty good weekend. Last night, M and I were watching Law and Order: SVU, and I made a joke about something and we both started laughing out loud. Then, I stopped. I remembered that I lost my baby, and I stopped. I feel guilty almost for being happy, even though I feel I am forever changed from having been pregnant and miscarried. I had a hard time sleeping last night.

Sundays are hard. I don't have many obligations typically on Sundays other than to get my shit together for the next week, clean my house, and do errands and chores. I'm usually busy, but there is a fair amount of unstructured activity. It's hard.

It's been 3 weeks and 2 days since I miscarried. I miscarried at 7w3d, which means I only knew I was pregnant for 3w3d before I lost the baby. This week we'll tip towards having been not pregnant longer than I was pregnant. It was such a short time, but I still feel the loss so acutely.

I am going to take some time today to plan some goals for myself for this week. I've thrown myself into diet and exercise, so that should help. But, I need a project to do after work. I find myself drawn to the internet to (1) read blogs about people who have experienced pregnancy loss and are now pregnant, (2) to enter search terms into Pubmed to try and do my own research on my future IVF protocol, (3) Googling my doctor's name with the hope of finding stories about how he created miracles from crap. I'm trying to research this to death as if something I find will make all the difference. This isn't a normal problem. I can't fix it by knowing the facts. I can do everything right; my doctor can do everything right; and we can still not end up with a baby out of all this heart ache. So, I need a project. Maybe a few of them. I need something to dive into and lose myself in. I'm open to suggestions.

Infertility - the Musical

2009-10-03T10:13:00.000-05:00

As I was playing with my new iPhone (a gift from M after the miscarriage) and trying to download material from iTunes, I ran accross the soundtrack for Infertility Musical: the musical that's hard to conceive, and I downloaded it. It is funny in a completely inappropriate way, while also getting the whole infertility thing. I listened to half of it this morning during my treadmill workout. From Googling it, it appears that it was Off Broadway back in 2004-2005. I'd recommend it if you're looking to find the light-hearted side of all this bullsh.it.

Follow-up to the Follow-up

2009-10-01T16:05:00.002-05:00

I had my WTF appointment with Dr. B today. M and I took the day off of work. Our plan was to go to the appointment at 11:30, have lunch, then see a movie. We arrived for our appointment and were told that it wasn't on his schedule and had been canceled. I freaked out. However, the receptionist told us that it was ok as he did have time to see us.

We waited about 15 minutes, then Dr. B came to take us back to the consultation room. I like him. He is kind and compassionate but also straight-forward. He isn't going to cheer you on by saying he "has a good feeling" but he will say, honestly, that you shouldn't give up hope. He will also say, if appropriate, that he doesn't think this will work. I think that M. would like it if he did more cheer leading, but I appreciate the candor and honesty. Here's the rundown on the WTF meeting:

There was no tissue from the D&C, therefore he is only speculating that my miscarriage, and all the freaking bleeding, was a symptom of poor embryo quality.

We talked about future risk. He said that he doesn't really know. That in a "normal" pregnancy, risk of recurrence is about 15%. However, in my situation, since I've had such crappy egg quality and fertilization, it could be as high as 50%. That sucks, thank you very much.

Prior HSGs have show evidence of a uterine polyp. Apparently, some of my ultrasounds have shown that as well (who knew). Therefore, he wanted to schedule me for a hysteroscopy to check it out and remove anything that is there. I'll do that after I start my period.

He recommended antiphospholipid antibody testing, and another blood test as well. I appreciated that I didn't have to push for these tests.

I asked Dr. B if there was anything I could do to improve my chances of success. He said that there is some evidence that losing weight could help with both IVF success rates as well as incidence of miscarriage. He recommended trying to lose 10% of my current weight. I have been reading this as well, and I do think he was sugar coating a bit on this one. We agreed that I would take some time off before my next cycle to try and focus on losing weight. I think this is also good as it will give me an opportunity to get my head together a bit more.

We talked about what we could do differently from a medication perspective to increase my chance in my next cycle. He wants to try an Antagonist protocol with the hope that that will increase my eggs retrieved and # of mature eggs. I've read mixed reviews so far on Ganirelix protocols, but some of the literature does seem to suggest that it might be helpful, and will certainly be easier to manage. If anyone has experience with this, I'd love to know.

M is feeling a bit down after this appointment, but I'm feeling a bit more positive. I have a plan now. I don't need to second guess things. I have some things that I can do to proactively move forward, as well as a new protocol lined up for when we start.

I've done my homework, and I know that the chance of miscarriage is still pretty high for us. That are odds aren't great that we'll get a "take home baby". I never want to go through a miscarriage again. Ever. But, I'm not willing to not try for a baby just to prevent miscarriage.

In other news, I'm still bleeding. It stopped for a few days, then started up again. I've been bleeding for almost 3 weeks since the m/c. And, really, off and on for 9 weeks since the pregnancy. I'm ready for it to stop.

We didn't end up going to the movie. Our heads were exploding, so we came home. M. is sleeping on the couch with the big puppy as we speak. They're spooning, so it's pretty cute.

The space in between

2009-09-27T13:26:00.000-05:00

I feel at loose ends. I'm no longer pregnant, and no longer trying to get pregnant. During the short time that I was pregnant, I imagined this fall, and how far along I'd be every week. I'd imagine and plan out the things I would be doing: shopping for maternity clothes, clearing out the soon-to-be baby's room, etc. I'd imagine how I'd look and feel and what I'd be doing as a pregnant woman.

I'm no longer pregnant, and what I imagined isn't true. I am also not trying to get pregnant for the time being. I feel confused and out of sorts. I'm just me right now, and I don't remember what that's like. I'm not sure what to do with myself right now, and it's harder than I thought it would be.

Show and Tell

2009-09-24T19:24:00.001-05:00

This is my first time participating in Show and Tell, so hopefully I don't screw it up!

This is a picture of me and my "lap-dog" Ryno. Ryno is an English Mastiff that we adopted when he was 8 months old from Friends of Rescued Mastiffs. He was supposed to be my husband's dog, but he turned out to be a giant mama's boy! When he sits on you like he is in this picture, you really can't breathe. He weighs approximately 185 pounds, but is really such a sweetie. He likes to snuggle, and get belly rubs, and lay on the couch. He is a true couch potato, often refusing to go outside because he doesn't want to get up. His is completely NOT a guard dog, and wants nothing more than to love everyone to death.

In this recovery period after my miscarriage, Ryno is one of the things that can bring me joy on a daily basis. I just love him!

Now, go check out what the rest of the class is showing!

Always in my heart

2009-09-20T18:03:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a rough day and a good day. I started my morning by having myself a good cry while listening to sad songs. High on my playlist right now are "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton, and this song called, "Glory Baby," by Watermark. It's a Christian song - which is normally not my taste, and it is a bit sappy, but the lyrics are all about miscarriage. I know it sounds like torture, but I listen to these songs and sob.

I received the Baby Loss memorial necklace that I bought in the mail yesterday. I love it and think it's beautiful (see picture). I bought it on etsy from "Peace of Mind's" etsy shop . The text in the ad says,

"This necklace was designed to be a special keepsake for mothers who have lost their little ones. The dotted heart charm reminded me of a tiny baby who will always be in their mother's heart. The pearl represents the mother's new angel."

I love it. I bought a 30 inch chain and am wearing it on that so it hangs right down by my heart. The seller packaged really nicely with a note saying that she hoped it brought comfort to the mother. Of course I cried.

The rest of the day was spent with extended family celebrating my mom's 60th birthday. I received lots of love and support from them as they've all heard my news. However, it's hard for me to talk about it without crying. I did have one moment where I had to leave the room. My sister-in-law is about 22 weeks pregnant. My uncle was talking to her about her pregnancy and how she felt in the early months. They had a large discussion of morning sickness. I felt like chiming in, until I remembered that I'm not part of that club anymore. Then, I started sobbing as the conversation reminded me of everything that I've lost. I had to leave the room. I'm happy for them, and I'm not jealous, but it still hurts.

I feel a little better and like I might be moving toward healing. I don't feel so much like I live in a horror movie like I did a week ago.

One week

2009-09-18T06:21:00.001-05:00

One week ago, I woke up feeling good. Feeling full of energy, happiness, and life.

One week ago I was pregnant.

One week ago, I lost my baby.

I'm struggling right now. I didn't cry Friday or Saturday. I think I was too numb, and in too much physical shock to cry. Ever since Sunday, I've been crying. I sit in my office at work and cry. I cry myself to sleep. I went to bed last night feeling at peace, woke up the same way, and said to my husband that maybe I wouldn't cry today. 1 minute ago I just broke down and sobbed.

I miss my baby. I want him back.

I am scared for the future. How do you get the courage and hope needed to try this again?

I'm trying to move forward little by little. I've made my WTF appointment for 10/1. I made an appointment for the psychologist in the RE's office for next Wednesday. I am trying to focus on getting myself healthy. I've lost almost 10 pounds so far, and I'm planning on joining Weight Watchers on Sunday. I'm reading The Fertility Diet, and will try to incorporate some of those strategies into my plan. I've been walking my dog, trying to engage my mind, and making plans for the fall. My husband, my family, friends, and my boss have been incredibly wonderful and supportive. I am leaning on them quite heavily.

I still feel a bit of peace today. I know that time is healing. I know my baby is in Heaven right now. I know I have an Angel Baby, and that gives me comfort. I also know that God will bless me one day by allowing me to be a mommy. And, I know that my husband has promised to make that happen one way or the other.

I still miss my baby though, and probably always will.

Back to work tomorrow

2009-09-15T18:59:00.000-05:00

I've been laying low at home since Friday, but tomorrow I head back to work. I'm kind of both dreading it and glad to be going. I'm hoping it's really busy with unimportant work to keep my mind occupied.

I'm dreading it because I can hardly bear for my husband to be out of the room for 5 minutes, and now I'll have to be away from him for 9 whole hours. I'm dreading it because the last time I got dressed for work, my baby was still alive. And, a few short hours later, he died. I'm dreading it because I can't make myself do anything and now I have to put on a good and brave face at work.

Thankfully, the people I work with are being super cool. It's funny, I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant because I didn't want to have to tell them that I miscarried. I wouldn't let my mom tell anyone either. Now that I miscarried, my mom told my home family, the lady at the grocery store, her friends, everyone. And, I'm the same way. Everyone at work, who I didn't want to know I was pregnant, all know I miscarried. At the same time I don't want to talk about it, I want to talk about it with everyone.

I made an appointment with my RE for a WTF consultation. I have a list of questions for him, and I hope to make some decisions on when to try again and what plan to put into place. I'm moving forward, barely and with a heavy heart.

I spent my whole morning crying. I'm hopeful that I can pull it together tomorrow.

Oh, here's the grief

2009-09-13T18:13:00.000-05:00

The grief train has hit me like a ton of bricks today. I sat on the couch this morning sobbing hysterically. My dog, instead of being comforting, started barking at me. Awesome. My husband and I sat there together and held each other while we cried for our baby. That's how it's been off and on all day today.

We've been trying to figure out how to memorialize this pregnancy. I've purchased myself a pendant I found out etsy to remember a lost pregnancy and a super long chain so I can wear it close to my heart. I think I'm going to make a collage or something to keep in a private place with the few mementos that we have - the embryo picture prior to transfer and the picture from our 6 1/2 week ultrasound. I'm not sure what my husband is going to do.

I feel like I'm living in a horror show. Everything is such bullshit, and I don't care about anything. I so want to have a baby and I'm so afraid that I won't, but I need the hope right now. I was just at my parents for dinner, and my dad went on for 15 minutes about adoption. That almost killed me right now. I still see my baby, like I last saw him on the ultrasound on Friday morning.

I can't make any decisions right now. I can barely function today. I was proud of myself for showering. I'm taking off Monday and Tuesday for sure. Tomorrow I'm going to spend with my mom, and I'm hoping that's not a mistake.

I'm sure this is a very rambling post.

7 weeks 3 days - miscarriage

2009-09-12T04:53:00.000-05:00

I'm empty and barren. Yesterday was very traumatic, but this morning, I can't even cry. I'm sad, but just feel - empty.

As I was getting ready for work yesterday, I started to feel cramps. I had to lay down while blow drying my hair. I went to the bathroom - and again, a huge flow of bright red blood. I finished getting dressed, and we decided that my husband would drive me to the clinic - which is near my office - and I'd go in and call when I was done.

They did an ultrasound, and there was my baby, heart beating away. He looked so much bigger than when I saw him on Tuesday. The doctor thought he saw a blood vessel nearby that was bleeding, and I was sent home. They told me that this was strange that it was so separate from the pregnancy, and that it sometimes happens, and that there was a good chance things would still be fine.

I didn't get very far as I started to feel light headed, so they put me in another room to lay down, they called my husband and had him come over, and they fed me some juice.

We went home, and things started to get dicey. Every 15 minutes I was bleeding through a thick pad, going to the bathroom, passing a clot, and then needed help to get to the couch. I called the doctor back, and he had me come back in. They weren't sure what they were going to do with me.

We drove back to the hospital. As we were trying to walk from the car, I almost passed out a couple of times. We had to stop and sit down. I finally got to the clinic and they took me back. My doctor didn't start with an ultrasound for some reason. I think he said that everything looked so good this morning, that they were looking for the source of bleeding.

He started off by putting pressure on my cervix - not fun. The bleeding didn't stop. My doctor was discussing admitting me at this point. I heard him discussing my case with the other attendings in the hallway. Two attendings came back in and did a doppler to look for sources of bleeding. They found a few, but then they also discovered that the baby was no longer there. That perfect little baby I saw this morning was gone.

They scheduled me for a D&C right there in the office. I'm empty.

My special little secret is gone. I'm not as devastated as I thought I'd be, but I am mourning all the hope I had for this baby. I'm trying to figure out how to move forward, and think that I need to take a break. I'm sure in the next weeks I'll make some decisions. I'll try IVF again as my insurance will pay for two more cycles.

Awesome parents

2009-09-10T20:51:00.000-05:00

My mom and dad are just the best. They've been so excited about this pregnancy, and I have be squashing them left and right. My mom wants to tell the whole family, and I keep telling her I want to wait - which she doesn't get. She's exuberant, and I'm nervous and low key. My dad wants to have a toast with sparkling grape juice, and I say no.

After all the drama regarding my womb lately, we've all been through the ringer. Yesterday, when I got home from work, I found a note from mom to me in the dog's cookie jar. (She lets the beast out every day, and we pass messages and books through the cookie jar.) Enclosed was US magazine, a starbucks gift card, and a gift card to a chic-chic salon for a pedicure. I love it! A gift of pampering for me after all the stress.

My parents are just the best.

Can you feel my heart beat?

2009-09-08T18:42:00.000-05:00

Umm... I can't feel it, but I sure saw that suckers heart beat this afternoon. Thank God! I am so relieved. We are still in the "cautiously optimistic" stage according to my RE. I am 7 weeks today, and the embryo is measuring 6 weeks 4 days. However, I transferred a 2 day old, 4 cell embryo and a 3 day, 5 cell embryo. Once we reminded the RE about these statistics, he said that we are pretty much in the normal range. He didn't see any signs of bleeding, and things looked ok. I go back to the RE next Tuesday, and probably at least one more time before graduation.

I am feeling so much more optimistic today. What a relief. Thank you everyone for all of your support after my trauma. It really kept me going.

Now, planning on eating pizza and camping out on my couch.

6w5d pregnant and spent the morning in the E.R.

2009-09-06T16:53:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to keep a low profile lately with this pregnancy. I've just been so nervous to believe too hard that it was real.

Last week Sunday, I had a bit of spotting and bleeding and completely freaked out. I called in sick on Monday and went to the RE to get an ultrasound. I was certain my baby was gone. However, the ultrasound looked good, and the doctor was quite reassuring. So, I let myself hope again. My next ultrasound is scheduled for Tuesday - and we were hoping to see a heart beat.

This morning, I woke up feeling wet. I ran to the bathroom and completely bloodied the toilet. Went back the bedroom and saw that the bed was completely bloodied. I put a pad on, and soaked through that in 20 minutes. My house looked like a crime scene. I made a somewhat frantic call to the on-call doctor. She advised that with all the bleeding, I needed to get to the ER. I ended up soaking through two more pads by the time I got to the ER. Then - time stood still. It took forever in the treatment room to be seen - but I totally get that we weren't life threatening. Anyway, after 2 hours, I got up to go to the bathroom. I had bled through another hospital strength pad. As I was "going" I felt this huge thing whooshing out of me. I had passed a golf-ball sized clot. I went back to my room, and told my husband that I was certain the baby was gone. A few minutes later they did an ultrasound. To my surprise, the bleeding had stopped and they were able to see the baby on the ultrasound. After an Rh shot (?), I was discharged.

Apparently, I had a subchorionic hematoma. The bleeding completely stopped after I passed the clot. Now, we just sit and wait some more. I have another ultrasound on Tuesday. We will be 7 weeks on Tuesday, and should be far enough along that a heart beat is detectable on ultrasound.

At this point, I have some hope, but am not that optimistic. I'm just trying to stay calm and relax and let myself be pampered. My family is awesome. My husband is waiting on me hand and foot. My mom came over and cleaned up my house while I was in the ER, and my dad took my dog for a long walk as well. Totally helpful.

So, now we wait.

3rd Beta

2009-08-22T16:10:00.000-05:00

My third beta was 148. Thank goodness it continues to double. Next step - OB ultrasound on 9/1. In the meantime, I went shopping for a whole bunch of healthy food, and am learning all the "rules" of being pregnant. So, far I feel good. A bit tired, a bit nauseous, a bit dizzy at times, but pretty good.

Thankful Thursday

2009-08-20T16:25:00.000-05:00

I feel that I have so much to be thankful for today, yet I'm not yet at a place where I can be excited about my pregnancy. I guess I really am pregnant. My insurance company sent me a whole bunch of information on pregnancy yesterday. They sure are quick! Wish they were as quick reimbursing me for medical expenses I submit to them, but I digress.

I think this is slowly sinking in. I hope to be able to feel more of the joy of this experience each day. Tomorrow I go back for another beta. I'm hoping for 116! I need to see a heart beat to feel like this could actually happen. Until then, I hope and wait every day that this could work. I know that seeing a heart beat is no guarantee of delivering a healthy baby, but it sure would be more reassuring than a blood test!

Today, I am thankful for:

1. My husband who bought me my first pregnancy gift yesterday. He gave me What to Expect when you're Expecting (and a chocolate bar). I don't have any pregnancy books, so I was very happy to have this resource (and the chocolate).

2. Vacation in 2 weeks! We're headed to Boston, Bar Harbor, and Niagara Falls. Can't wait!

3. A chance at being a mom. A week ago, I thought my chances were next to nothing. Today, I'm actually pregnant.

Thank you, internet, for all of the support you have shown me these past weeks. I'm still so thankful for all of you!

Doubling Beta!!

2009-08-19T12:07:00.000-05:00

My beta today was 58! Up from 22.9 on Monday. Can I be happy now?

Back on Friday for my next one.

Oh My God!

2009-08-17T10:49:00.000-05:00

I'm literally in shock. My nurse just called me ten minutes ago and said,

"Congratulations!"

My beta was 22.9. They wanted it to be over 20. I go back Wednesday.

The bleeding has stopped.

I'm totally freaked out. I don't know what to do. Is this real? Will it work? I'm obsessively googling to try and find out what a Beta of 22.9 on 10 days post 3 day transfer means, but I can't find anything.

I want to throw up. I want to cry. Right now, I am pregnant.

9dp3dt

2009-08-16T07:49:00.000-05:00

My optimism is fading fast. I'm still spotting - alternating between a barely anything spotting, and a heavier bleed. I'm convinced we'll get a BFN tomorrow.

I've been having a hard time sleeping lately too as my worries keep waking me up. I'm not thinking that we realistically have a very good chance of bringing home a baby after IVF. Assuming that I'm right and this is a BFN, we would have gone through 2 IVF cycles and only achieved 2 embryos - and not really great ones at that. So, I'll have a consultation with my doctor and figure out what our chances are. I'm also considering taking a break until January and trying to lose some weight and get in better shape. But, I also have to consider if we should continue down this path or do something else?

I think all the time about how to build our family. If IVF doesn't work, what do we do? Do we give up, or try to build a family in other ways? Can we afford adoption? Should we consider foster care? International adoption vs. domestic? How would my family react to an interracial adoption? What about donor eggs/ sperm? How can we afford any of this? Are we too old / too fat / too crazy to adopt?

I worry all the time. I can't sleep. I have crazy dreams. I worry about Christmas, and dealing with the birth of my new niece or nephew at that time, and again thinking that one day, M and I will be the old Aunt and Uncle that have no family and no where to go for .

I wish for and hope for and desperately WANT good news tomorrow, but I don't think that will happen. Beta in the morning. What a great way to start the week.

6dp3dt - and Thankful Thursday

2009-08-13T18:57:00.000-05:00

Today I started spotting. A tiny bit so far. I'm completely freaked and absolutely certain that this didn't work, while trying to convince myself that this is implantation bleeding. Dr. Google says that it could be anything and there is nothing to do about it. Could it be my period? How soon would I get it, and would Progesterone prevent it? Anyone? I think I'll call the IVF nurse tomorrow to see.

In an effort to try to turn my mood around, here is another installment of Thankful Thursday:

1. My mom pulled weeds in my backyard today while she was taking my dog out for his afternoon constitutional. Gotta love that!

2. Soon, I go on vacation. Some blissful time away from all the madness of work and IVF sounds so fabulous!

3. My sister is fabulous and always good for a laugh. I need it on days like today.

4. Only 4 more sleeps until I have my beta and end this horrible waiting.

5dp3dt

2009-08-12T19:40:00.000-05:00

As you can tell from the title, I'm 5 days post 3 day transfer. I'm doing the obsessive symptom evaluating - however I know that each symptom can be attributed to the progesterone. It is so bizarre to think of what can be going on in my body right now.

I'm trying to live in gratitude every day for having this chance and opportunity to become a mother. I've spent some time praying and talking to my embryos telling them how much they are wanted, providing encouragement, and letting them know that as long as they do their best, we'll be happy. We'll love them, the mere possibility of a baby, despite what happens.

I am alternating planning for pregnancy with making a contingency plan for a BFN. I find out my results on Monday, and I am not looking forward to getting that news at work. However, I don't want to POAS. I don't think I can take the disappointment. I have a lunch planned with my good friend on Monday to hopefully celebrate but also perhaps have consolation.

A little pregnant

2009-08-07T10:23:00.000-05:00

I am home safe after the transfer of 2 little embryos. One 5 cell and 1 4 cell. A little behind the curve, but hanging on nonetheless. One of those is a day 2 embryo, so it hasn't had as much time to catch up.

There is still one little 2 cell embryo hanging out in the lab. So, we'll see what happens with that.

I'm happy and content right now. We've done all we could and it's out of our hands now.

Thankful Thursdays

2009-08-06T18:39:00.000-05:00

I've noticed several other bloggers taking time on a regular basis to reflect on what they're grateful for. In this big suck of infertility, there is much to complain about, and I do that quite a lot. So, I thought I'd steal the gratitude idea with the hope at looking at the bright side on a regular basis.

Therefore, I am thankful for:

1. The three little embryos that resulted from this IVF cycle. I'm especially thankful for the fact that my two little eggs that could matured overnight and fertilized successfully. Even if the embryos stop developing before the transfer, I'm thankful for their existence now.

2. My "fur family" of three lovely cats and one lovey and giant dog. There's nothing like the love of a pet. Although, it does leave something to be desired when the cat jumps on my stomach 3 hours after egg retrieval, nor when the dog (who weighs 180 pounds) lays on me. But, it is love!

3. That my dad somewhat awkwardly called to congratulate me on my 3 embryos. That's a weird conversation, but sweet.

4. That my transfer is on a Friday. Kinda three day weekend!

5. Only 5 weeks until vacation!

6. All the support I've received from the ALI community. XOXOXO

Fertility Report

2009-08-05T10:04:00.000-05:00

I actually have a fertility report! It's not great, but it's a hell of a lot better than last time.

Now, to the nitty-gritty.

I had 3 mature eggs out of 8. Of those 3, 1 fertilized normally, 1 didn't fertilize, and 1 fertilized abnormally. (Not sure what that means). They had 2 eggs mature today, and they've ICSI'd those. So, I have 1 embryo(!), 1 maybe embryo that they're watching, and maybe 2 more coming on line.

I'm tentatively scheduled for a transfer on Friday.

Considering that I was expecting the worst, I'm pretty happy with these results. I have 1 embryo.

Post Retrieval

2009-08-04T14:43:00.000-05:00

I apologize up front if this doesn't make sense. My head is still foggy, but I wanted to give my post ER report.

I slept terribly last night. I was up half the night with my cold, and just felt miserable. When I checked in to the procedure room, it was pretty obvious to the nurses that I didn't feel good. I just have to say, they took such good care of me.

First step, was to get and IV and vitals. My blood pressure was 168/98, my heart rate was up, and my oxygen saturation was low. They got the IV started to give me fluids, turned on a mellow CD, and shut the lights off so I could rest. Nice.

The fellow stopped in to introduce herself and give me the report on my stimulation cycle. I was disappointed to find out that I only had 8 mature follicles, and could only expect 66% of the follicles to produce eggs.

They got me all settled in the procedure room for the retrieval and made me all cozy with a nice warm blanket. Then, they started the drugs - versed and fentanyl. Unfortunately, they weren't that effective. Thank goodness for my personal hand-holder. Anyway, there were 6 people in the room, the nurse who kept calling me "lovie" who was in charge of my sedation, the other nurse who was helping out Nurse Lovie and was responsible for holding my hand, the attending, the fellow, a resident, and 1 or 2 other nurses. A party. The fellow started the retrieval, and I felt the pain. At several points I was moaning, and squeezing the hand, and writhing around. They tried to give me more meds, but my blood pressure was dropping so that was it. I felt like I was wide awake. I don't recommend this at all. It wasn't horribly painful, but definitely uncomfortable. I'd say a 7 on a 10 pt pain scale.

The attending recommended that I watch on the screen, which was a good idea. A nice distraction from what was going on. I think the fellow did the retrieval on the right side, and the attending worked the left because my left ovary hides behind my uterus and is harder to get to. They kept taking breaks to let me rest. At one point, the attending said they had one more to go and asked if he should go for it, or if they should stop. I said go for it.

They ended up with 8 eggs, for which I was happy. I"m holding my breath for the fertility report tomorrow. (I did give my eggs a pep talk last night).

So, I just woke up from my nap, and am planning on diving into a lovely novel in a few minutes. I was given the "all-clear" to take some cold medicine, so I'm feeling a bit better.

Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. Wish me luck!

Really?

2009-08-03T19:28:00.000-05:00

Just chiming in the night before my retrieval to say that I have a cold. I'm afraid to take anything until after the procedure. I'm not happy about that at all. My husband has one too, but we've both agreed that I'm the one deserving of the sympathy here.

Thanks for all the support for LFCA!

Retrieval #2 coming up

2009-08-02T14:07:00.000-05:00

I spent my weekend waking up before 6am to drive to the fertility clinic for an ultrasound and blood test. On both Saturday and Sunday. Not my ideal way to spend a weekend. But, finally, I'm nearing the end of this journey. I'm scheduled for my retrieval on Tuesday. I am planning on taking Wednesday off from work as well. I don't want a repeat of the crying in my office thing that I had last time, and I think I'd be too nervous otherwise. So, this is looking like it will be a short work week for me. At least that's a good thing.

I was looking over my blog posts from IVF #1. It's amazing how positive and optimistic I was. It's actually laughable. I was worried about having enough embryos to freeze for a frozen cycle. Can you imagine? Now, I'm just focusing on the goal of having this cycle produce 1 embryo. Getting to transfer will be a bonus.

I'm ok with my cynicism. That's more my nature anyway. I'm not usually little miss sunshine. Here's hoping I'm pleasantly surprised this week!

Day 8 - Let the whining begin

2009-07-30T12:55:00.000-05:00

Today will be my 8th day of stims. I am really feeling beaten up at this point. I don't remember feeling so terrible, but then again, maybe I was excited to be progressing. I am exhausted, I feel sore all over, and I'm bloated and uncomfortable. Someone please tell me that I'm not alone in having these symptoms. I'm starting to freak out a bit. My sister recently had 5th Disease. She had really bad joint pain as her main symptom. I hear it's contagious and that if you get it while pregnant, it could be fatal for the fetus. I wasn't around her when she had it, but I don't know how long she was contagious. Dr. Google says that joint pain and muscle aches (which I have) could be a side effect of Follistim.

At my last u/s I had 5 follicles between 10 and 13, and my E2 was 904. I'm trying not to compare to last cycle, but it's hard. Then again, last cycle I had a big fat cyst and that could have messed up my numbers. I'm hoping for a retrieval between August 1st (unlikely) and August 6th.

If this cycle doesn't end successfully, I think I'll need a break. IVF feels just so hard on my body and my mind.

A question of support

2009-07-26T19:29:00.000-05:00

I have been a pretty crappy ICLWer this cycle. My laptop was attached by some virus and was completely fried. My husband finally fixed it today. So, I've been trying to keep up on my comments, but I didn't keep track of how many I was posting, so I'm not sure how much catch-up I need to do.

The reason I signed up for ICLW is that I so appreciate the support that I get from the IF community. It helps to make this bearable.

IRL, I've been pretty open about our If struggles and journey. The reason we've decided to be open is that I don't want to "lie" by omission to my family and friends, and I thought I'd need the support. What I've discovered is that I don't always get what I need. My mom is very supportive, but it feels like the rest of my family and friends are afraid to ask me about it, so they ignore it. All I want is for them to occasionally ask how I'm doing.

Additionally, my SIL is currently pregnant after IVF with ICSI. You'd think that she'd ask, but she doesn't. She's in her own little happy pregnant world and isn't thinking about me at all.

I guess I'm a little bitter. And, to be honest, maybe a bit emotional. I'm heading into the last week of stims and I'm dreading it a bit. I just know that I'm going to get increasingly more uncomfortable.

Ok, off to ICLW comment!

Oh so stimulating

2009-07-23T20:26:00.000-05:00

I'm shocked and amazed to find out that after a "normal" interval of Lupron, I'm ready to start stims. Amazing to me after last cycle when I wouldn't reach baseline. Tonight I shot up with 225 of Follistim, and we're looking at retrieval sometime between August 1st and August 6th.

I'm currently enjoying my evening watching an encore of my Chicago White Sox and Mark Buehrle pitch a perfect game. Amazing! It's exciting to watch even though I know the outcome.

A good night...

Getting to know you. Getting to know all about you.

2009-07-21T09:16:00.000-05:00

Welcome ICLW ers! This will be an interesting ICLW for me as my computer is broken. Completely fried by a virus I received while reading entertainment news on MSN. Bummer. It is currently in triage while we try to restore it's functionality. So, I'll be ICLWing on my work computer during my break. I'll do my best to keep up with the commenting!

For those of you new to my blog (WELCOME!), I thought I'd start the week by sharing some getting to know you facts about me. Some relevant facts, and some just for fun. So, here goes!

1. My husband and I are dealing with male-factor infertility. Therefore, we jumped right to the top of the heap with IVF with ICSI.

2. Our first attempt at IVF was a big fat failure with 0 (zero, nada, nilch) eggs fertilized.

3. We are about to embark on IVF # 2, assuming that the cysts I've been battling go away and STAY AWAY!!!

4. I am currently shooting up with my friend Lupron. Last night, I gave myself a shot in my thigh, and must have hit the wrong spot as blood started streaming down my leg and I have a huge bruise.

5. Lupron make me SO tired. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

6. I love my husband to death. We've been married for 10 1/2 years and have been through our set of ups and downs but he's still my best friend and biggest supporter.

7. Like a good infertile, I have surrounded myself with animals instead of children. I have a English Mastiff dog, and 3 cats. It's a zoo - filled with animal fur.

8. I love to do crafty stuff, but some of my joy for that has waned during this infertility craze. It's hard to make scrapbooks, and knit and sew when I always planned on doing those things to share a bit of myself with my future children.

9. I need a vacation so bad right now. But, I'm having a hard time justifying the cost. The vacation may just win.

10. My husband and I decided that we need something to focus on, so we're going to try to learn Spanish. Got my audio tapes all ready!

That's the highlights for now. I'd love to learn about you too. So, post a comment with the most interesting fact about you and where you're dying to go on vacation. Looking forward to getting to know everyone during ICLW!

And, we're off!

2009-07-16T13:50:00.000-05:00

I received the "all clear" from my doctor on Tuesday. All the cysts are gone. I started my 10 units of Lupron on Tuesday, and I have my next u/s on July 22nd. If everything goes ok, retrieval will be between the 31st and the 5th. Of course, we know how well this all went last time. I am starting to get excited and feel optimistic again.

What is the Secret?

2009-07-07T19:52:00.000-05:00

I just returned to work today after a lovely 6 days off. I had a good vacation, but today at work, I felt so tired. I feel like those singers and actresses who have "exhaustion." My vacation just wasn't enough, and I think I'm still mentally drained from the infertility and all the stuff I've been dealing with at work and in my personal life.

I've been saving vacations days for when I go on maternity leave, but lately I'm abandoning my glass half full ways. When I really stop and think about it, I just don't think that we'll be successful in having a baby. I just don't believe it will be true, but I'm going through the motions now and hoping for the best. And, at the same time, I am thinking through my consolation prize - recuperating in Paris or on a tropical beach.

Sometimes I do wonder if I'm "jinxing" myself with my pessimistic attitude. Maybe if I believe it; maybe if I make that baby blanket; maybe if I paint the nursery; maybe if I save those vacation days; maybe if I abandon my back-up plan; maybe if I believe that it will happen, it will.

Maybe I will be a mom one day.

Cyst City

2009-07-01T07:18:00.000-05:00

I've been on BCPs for 21 days now, and had an appointment with my RE doctor yesterday to check my ovaries prior to moving on to Lupron. Unfortunately, the doctor found several cysts - not huge ones, but nonetheless there - in both my right and left ovary. Interestingly, my left ovary is behind my uterus - that doesn't seem right.

Anyway, the doctor said that I should stay on BCPs for 2 more weeks and come back for another check. We also reviewed my last cycle in a bit more detail and talked about aspirating cysts. He said that there is no definitive research that shows that aspirating the cysts makes a difference, but that he might treat me more aggressively this time.

So, more waiting, and likely no retrieval in July I'm thinking. Next appointment is July 14th.

Certainty vs. Hope

2009-06-28T17:03:00.000-05:00

I hung out with my sisters and mom yesterday checking out a neighborhood french market and shopping. It was a great day, and really helped to restore my creativity. I love seeing all the handmade items people make and getting inspiration to try new creative things. It was great just to laugh and relax and have fun.

One of our stops was at a fabric and quilt store. My newlywed sister bought fabric to make a baby quilt. She's not pregnant, and isn't trying to get pregnant right now. However, she is certain that one day it will just happen for her. For her, making a baby quilt now makes perfect sense. Why not - you'll need it one day.

On the other hand, I'm making a quilt right now, and had to choose between throw blanket size and baby blanket size. Although I hesitated and thought about the baby blanket, I chose the throw blanket. Because, what if I never become a mother? Or, what if I end up adopting a toddler and don't need a baby blanket? I wouldn't want to break my heart by making a baby quilt that never gets used.

So, I make the throw blanket. And, keep the baby yarn safely un-knit and tucked away where I can't see it, but can hope to put it to use one day. And, if this doesn't work out, the yarn all gets donated and out of my house so I don't have to look at it and see evidence of our infertility.

I'm starting to feel "normal" again

2009-06-24T20:09:00.000-05:00

I'm slowly starting to feel like "myself" again. After I made my goals recently, I've started to slowly do a few little things each day to achieve those goals. I've been knitting a little bit, walking my dog a little bit, and even exercising. I know, crazy. I think that right now, since I'm not really doing anything for my next IVF cycle, I've been able to work a little on myself.

So, right now I'm in a good place. Just got done with my burgers on the grill and am drinking a lovely Lienenkugel Summer Shandy (delish) enjoying my night.

Off to read ICLW blogs!

Our TTC journey

2009-06-22T19:38:00.000-05:00

Welcome to all the ICLW-ers out there! I'm enjoying getting to know everyone. I thought I'd give a little bit more of my TTC background and other general getting-to-know-you information. Here we go -

Our TTC is a bit different, I think. We were trying to conceive for a while without luck. I'd alternate doing OPK and pre-seed and being super crazy organized about the whole thing, with the more casual not preventing pregnancy. I wasn't worried about our lack of results because I was still convinced that we just weren't timing it enough or trying hard enough.

My husband went to his general practitioner last fall and was diagnosed with a varicocelle. The doctor told him that it wasn't any big deal and that they didn't need to do anything about it. Well, my brother and sister-in-law had to go through infertility treatments for that same reason, so I had my husband call them right back up and ask about what kind of impact that would have on our fertility. Guess what? He quickly had an appointment with a urologist and was getting his SA.

I was so mad that they didn't think to ask if we wanted to have kids. That's irresponsible of the doctor. Why wouldn't they even consider that a married man in his 30s might want to have a family one day.

So, we jumped right to the top of the heap - IVF with ICSI. In a way, I wish that we had been able to go through the whole Clomid, IUI route instead of going right to the big guys. I feel like I only have these few chances with IVF - and no guarantee of success.

We have gone through one IVF cycle, and I figure we can afford 2 to 3 more cycles before we have to make some decisions. Here's to luck for us and everyone in their TTC journey!

Who am I again?

2009-06-19T18:02:00.000-05:00

We received our official infertility diagnosis in November by accident when my husband went for a regular medical check-up. His doc diagnosed him with varicocelle, but told him it wasn't that big a deal and they didn't want to treat it. I freaked and made him get back on the phone and ask them about having kids. Now, I was pissed - why would they not consider that as an issue for a married man under 40 - you'd think it would at least be a question. Anyway, sure enough, once they found out we were TTC, he was at the urologist faster than you can say spermatazoa. And, the rest is history.

From November through the end of May - when I had my egg retrieval (and unsuccessful fertilization - yeah!), I've been consumed by figuring out and beginning fertility treatments. Now, I'm in a lull between cycles, and I've suddenly felt totally disconnected from myself. The truth is, that I am probably depressed (Dr. Google says I have moderate severe depression, but I'm guessing that many of us in IF land do as well). I can't remember what I like to do. I don't have any motivation to do anything, and I'm feeling directionless.

My only goal right now is to become a mom.

I've realized that one goal isn't going to cut it. I need to reconnect with my other passions and find things to make me happy now.

The quest begins again to figure myself out. I thought I was done with that in my 20s.

The Infertility Diet

2009-06-13T06:32:00.000-05:00

I've read some blogs from people who are following a diet to help improve their fertility. Given how much this sucks and how little control I feel I have over the whole baby making business, it makes sense and seems proactive. I, however, am on the Infertility diet. Which consists of healthy meals sprinkled with pizza, wine, cookies and ice cream. I eat for comfort, and it has become apparent that I've needed a bit too much comforting lately. The problem is, I'm trying to make healthier choices and get more exercise, but I just don't have the energy to devote to losing weight. Depression will do that to you, you know.

I feel lost I guess, and I'm not quite sure what I do to occupy my time anymore. It feels like I'm starting over and getting to know myself all over again. I just don't have much interest in anything right now. So, I'm trying to lift myself out of this fog, trying to make healthier choices, and trying to get on with my life while I wait for cycle #2.

I choose hope

2009-06-02T18:15:00.000-05:00

I was crushed yesterday. Totally heartbroken. I felt like we didn't even get a chance. I sat in my office with the door shut and fiddled around with some work. I would alternate productivity with looking at random funny pictures of cats and dogs on "I can has cheezburger." http://icanhascheezburger.com/

After work, I drank 3/4 of a bottle of Pinot Grigio and sat on the couch eating pizza feeling sorry for myself.

But, today, I've decided to feel better. My first IVF cycle turned out like shit, but I am choosing to be hopeful and thankful and grateful for all that I have. In doing so, I've come to a few realizations:

My husband and I are a family. We deserve to nuture that relationship and feel validated in that. We are complete now.

I have a super supportive extended family who will be with me through thick and thin.

I have choices; I can mourn and be miserable and wonder if this will ever work. Or, I can choose to be hopeful that it will.

Today, I'm choosing hope.

Kick in the Head

2009-06-01T09:59:00.000-05:00

Received a phone call from my doctor this morning. I was expecting the embryologist. Dr. B. informed me that he didn't have good news for me and that NONE (zip, zero, zilch, nada) of my eggs fertilized. Apparently, out of the 8 retrieved, only 3 were mature, and none of them fertilized.

He doesn't know why.

He said that possibly the fact that it took me so long to get suppressed impacted this cycle. He wants to keep me on BCP longer this next time and do a baseline ultrasound prior to starting Lupron. He told me that he doesn't think I should give up - and that if he did he would tell me. He said that there is still a good chance this could work for us.

After having a crying fit in my office (good times) I'm pulling myself back together. I think I'm going to try to take a long weekend and have some time off. Also, if might be a good time to indulge in a large glass of wine.

Retrieval Day

2009-05-31T14:00:00.000-05:00

We arrived at the clinic at 8a.m. today and proceeded to sit in the waiting room for 35 minutes before they called us back. When they called my name, my husband and I both got up. The nurse said that he could go back and sit down. I was on my own, and didn't even get a chance to get a hug or anything. We walked into the procedure room, I was handed a bag with a robe and given a locker and told to change. I was honestly pretty upset. I thought that M would be able to come back with me. I started to tear up. Then, I couldn't get the stupid robe tied and cried some more.

They had me lay on a gurney and got me prepped with an IV and blood pressure etc. The whole time I'm trying not to break down in tears. I was nervous, didn't know what was happening, and missed my husband. I felt alone.

At about 5 minutes to nine, a super nice nurse came back for me and walked me to the procedure room and told me to go to the bathroom again. After she heard me flush, she knocked on the door and brought me some paper towels and helped me get settled on the gurney with the bizarre leg holders. She started getting all my monitors attached. When she asked me how old I was, I told her that it was my birthday - so I got birthday wishes all around.

The doctor came in, and told me that my stimulations looked really good. Then, he sat down between my legs and admired my bunny socks. Next thing I know, I'm shouting out my name for the embryologist and they begin the drugs.

All sorts of action went on in my hoohah at this point - cleaning, a speculum, poking etc. The doctor would do the thing, I would say "ow" and then he'd tell me what was going on. Kinda backwards. I think he told them to turn up the juice at one point since I was too aware. I heard some talk about a cyst as well, remember getting my progesterone shot, but not much else.

I scooted over to the gurney and traveled across the hall for recovery. I took a little nap until the nurse told me she wanted to sit me up some. She gave me some juice and Tylenol. Then the doctor came by to tell me that he talked to the embryologist and they got 8 eggs - which he said is average, although they'd like to get more. He said that I had a big cyst on my right which they deflated, and that sometimes a cyst can impact the quality of the follicles near by. He seemed confident that they'll get enough to transfer.

I got dressed and sat down, and then my husband came back just in time for the embryologist to tell us the same story. We slowly made our way out of the hospital and walked towards the parking garage. We stopped at Panera Express for a bagel, and then I came home and slept for about an hour. I'm pretty sore and tired, but overall ok. I'm hoping for a good fertility report tomorrow.

I plan on spending the rest of the day on the couch napping, reading, or watching TV.