Sunday, September 27, 2009

The space in between

I feel at loose ends.  I'm no longer pregnant, and no longer trying to get pregnant.  During the short time that I was pregnant, I imagined this fall, and how far along I'd be every week.  I'd imagine and plan out the things I would be doing: shopping for maternity clothes, clearing out the soon-to-be baby's room, etc.  I'd imagine how I'd look and feel and what I'd be doing as a pregnant woman.

I'm no longer pregnant, and what I imagined isn't true.  I am also not trying to get pregnant for the time being.  I feel confused and out of sorts.  I'm just me right now, and I don't remember what that's like.  I'm not sure what to do with myself right now, and it's harder than I thought it would be.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Show and Tell

This is my first time participating in Show and Tell, so hopefully I don't screw it up!

This is a picture of me and my "lap-dog" Ryno.  Ryno is an English Mastiff that we adopted when he was 8 months old from Friends of Rescued Mastiffs.  He was supposed to be my husband's dog, but he turned out to be a giant mama's boy!  When he sits on you like he is in this picture, you really can't breathe.  He weighs approximately 185 pounds, but is really such a sweetie.  He likes to snuggle, and get belly rubs, and lay on the couch.  He is a true couch potato, often refusing to go outside because he doesn't want to get up.  His is completely NOT a guard dog, and wants nothing more than to love everyone to death.
In this recovery period after my miscarriage, Ryno is one of the things that can bring me joy on a daily basis.  I just love him!

Now, go check out what the rest of the class is showing!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Always in my heart

Yesterday was a rough day and a good day. I started my morning by having myself a good cry while listening to sad songs. High on my playlist right now are "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton, and this song called, "Glory Baby," by Watermark. It's a Christian song - which is normally not my taste, and it is a bit sappy, but the lyrics are all about miscarriage. I know it sounds like torture, but I listen to these songs and sob.

I received the Baby Loss memorial necklace that I bought in the mail yesterday. I love it and think it's beautiful (see picture). I bought it on etsy from "Peace of Mind's" etsy shop . The text in the ad says,

"This necklace was designed to be a special keepsake for mothers who have lost their little ones. The dotted heart charm reminded me of a tiny baby who will always be in their mother's heart. The pearl represents the mother's new angel."

I love it. I bought a 30 inch chain and am wearing it on that so it hangs right down by my heart. The seller packaged really nicely with a note saying that she hoped it brought comfort to the mother. Of course I cried.

The rest of the day was spent with extended family celebrating my mom's 60th birthday. I received lots of love and support from them as they've all heard my news. However, it's hard for me to talk about it without crying. I did have one moment where I had to leave the room. My sister-in-law is about 22 weeks pregnant. My uncle was talking to her about her pregnancy and how she felt in the early months. They had a large discussion of morning sickness. I felt like chiming in, until I remembered that I'm not part of that club anymore. Then, I started sobbing as the conversation reminded me of everything that I've lost. I had to leave the room. I'm happy for them, and I'm not jealous, but it still hurts.

I feel a little better and like I might be moving toward healing. I don't feel so much like I live in a horror movie like I did a week ago.

Friday, September 18, 2009

One week

One week ago, I woke up feeling good. Feeling full of energy, happiness, and life.

One week ago I was pregnant.

One week ago, I lost my baby.

I'm struggling right now. I didn't cry Friday or Saturday. I think I was too numb, and in too much physical shock to cry. Ever since Sunday, I've been crying. I sit in my office at work and cry. I cry myself to sleep. I went to bed last night feeling at peace, woke up the same way, and said to my husband that maybe I wouldn't cry today. 1 minute ago I just broke down and sobbed.

I miss my baby. I want him back.

I am scared for the future. How do you get the courage and hope needed to try this again?

I'm trying to move forward little by little. I've made my WTF appointment for 10/1. I made an appointment for the psychologist in the RE's office for next Wednesday. I am trying to focus on getting myself healthy. I've lost almost 10 pounds so far, and I'm planning on joining Weight Watchers on Sunday. I'm reading The Fertility Diet, and will try to incorporate some of those strategies into my plan. I've been walking my dog, trying to engage my mind, and making plans for the fall. My husband, my family, friends, and my boss have been incredibly wonderful and supportive. I am leaning on them quite heavily.

I still feel a bit of peace today. I know that time is healing. I know my baby is in Heaven right now. I know I have an Angel Baby, and that gives me comfort. I also know that God will bless me one day by allowing me to be a mommy. And, I know that my husband has promised to make that happen one way or the other.

I still miss my baby though, and probably always will.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Back to work tomorrow

I've been laying low at home since Friday, but tomorrow I head back to work. I'm kind of both dreading it and glad to be going. I'm hoping it's really busy with unimportant work to keep my mind occupied.

I'm dreading it because I can hardly bear for my husband to be out of the room for 5 minutes, and now I'll have to be away from him for 9 whole hours. I'm dreading it because the last time I got dressed for work, my baby was still alive. And, a few short hours later, he died. I'm dreading it because I can't make myself do anything and now I have to put on a good and brave face at work.

Thankfully, the people I work with are being super cool. It's funny, I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant because I didn't want to have to tell them that I miscarried. I wouldn't let my mom tell anyone either. Now that I miscarried, my mom told my home family, the lady at the grocery store, her friends, everyone. And, I'm the same way. Everyone at work, who I didn't want to know I was pregnant, all know I miscarried. At the same time I don't want to talk about it, I want to talk about it with everyone.

I made an appointment with my RE for a WTF consultation. I have a list of questions for him, and I hope to make some decisions on when to try again and what plan to put into place. I'm moving forward, barely and with a heavy heart.

I spent my whole morning crying. I'm hopeful that I can pull it together tomorrow.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Oh, here's the grief

The grief train has hit me like a ton of bricks today. I sat on the couch this morning sobbing hysterically. My dog, instead of being comforting, started barking at me. Awesome. My husband and I sat there together and held each other while we cried for our baby. That's how it's been off and on all day today.

We've been trying to figure out how to memorialize this pregnancy. I've purchased myself a pendant I found out etsy to remember a lost pregnancy and a super long chain so I can wear it close to my heart. I think I'm going to make a collage or something to keep in a private place with the few mementos that we have - the embryo picture prior to transfer and the picture from our 6 1/2 week ultrasound. I'm not sure what my husband is going to do.

I feel like I'm living in a horror show. Everything is such bullshit, and I don't care about anything. I so want to have a baby and I'm so afraid that I won't, but I need the hope right now. I was just at my parents for dinner, and my dad went on for 15 minutes about adoption. That almost killed me right now. I still see my baby, like I last saw him on the ultrasound on Friday morning.

I can't make any decisions right now. I can barely function today. I was proud of myself for showering. I'm taking off Monday and Tuesday for sure. Tomorrow I'm going to spend with my mom, and I'm hoping that's not a mistake.

I'm sure this is a very rambling post.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

7 weeks 3 days - miscarriage

I'm empty and barren. Yesterday was very traumatic, but this morning, I can't even cry. I'm sad, but just feel - empty.

As I was getting ready for work yesterday, I started to feel cramps. I had to lay down while blow drying my hair. I went to the bathroom - and again, a huge flow of bright red blood. I finished getting dressed, and we decided that my husband would drive me to the clinic - which is near my office - and I'd go in and call when I was done.

They did an ultrasound, and there was my baby, heart beating away. He looked so much bigger than when I saw him on Tuesday. The doctor thought he saw a blood vessel nearby that was bleeding, and I was sent home. They told me that this was strange that it was so separate from the pregnancy, and that it sometimes happens, and that there was a good chance things would still be fine.

I didn't get very far as I started to feel light headed, so they put me in another room to lay down, they called my husband and had him come over, and they fed me some juice.

We went home, and things started to get dicey. Every 15 minutes I was bleeding through a thick pad, going to the bathroom, passing a clot, and then needed help to get to the couch. I called the doctor back, and he had me come back in. They weren't sure what they were going to do with me.

We drove back to the hospital. As we were trying to walk from the car, I almost passed out a couple of times. We had to stop and sit down. I finally got to the clinic and they took me back. My doctor didn't start with an ultrasound for some reason. I think he said that everything looked so good this morning, that they were looking for the source of bleeding.

He started off by putting pressure on my cervix - not fun. The bleeding didn't stop. My doctor was discussing admitting me at this point. I heard him discussing my case with the other attendings in the hallway. Two attendings came back in and did a doppler to look for sources of bleeding. They found a few, but then they also discovered that the baby was no longer there. That perfect little baby I saw this morning was gone.

They scheduled me for a D&C right there in the office. I'm empty.

My special little secret is gone. I'm not as devastated as I thought I'd be, but I am mourning all the hope I had for this baby. I'm trying to figure out how to move forward, and think that I need to take a break. I'm sure in the next weeks I'll make some decisions. I'll try IVF again as my insurance will pay for two more cycles.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Awesome parents

My mom and dad are just the best. They've been so excited about this pregnancy, and I have be squashing them left and right. My mom wants to tell the whole family, and I keep telling her I want to wait - which she doesn't get. She's exuberant, and I'm nervous and low key. My dad wants to have a toast with sparkling grape juice, and I say no.

After all the drama regarding my womb lately, we've all been through the ringer. Yesterday, when I got home from work, I found a note from mom to me in the dog's cookie jar. (She lets the beast out every day, and we pass messages and books through the cookie jar.) Enclosed was US magazine, a starbucks gift card, and a gift card to a chic-chic salon for a pedicure. I love it! A gift of pampering for me after all the stress.

My parents are just the best.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Can you feel my heart beat?

Umm... I can't feel it, but I sure saw that suckers heart beat this afternoon. Thank God! I am so relieved. We are still in the "cautiously optimistic" stage according to my RE. I am 7 weeks today, and the embryo is measuring 6 weeks 4 days. However, I transferred a 2 day old, 4 cell embryo and a 3 day, 5 cell embryo. Once we reminded the RE about these statistics, he said that we are pretty much in the normal range. He didn't see any signs of bleeding, and things looked ok. I go back to the RE next Tuesday, and probably at least one more time before graduation.

I am feeling so much more optimistic today. What a relief. Thank you everyone for all of your support after my trauma. It really kept me going.

Now, planning on eating pizza and camping out on my couch.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

6w5d pregnant and spent the morning in the E.R.

I've been trying to keep a low profile lately with this pregnancy. I've just been so nervous to believe too hard that it was real.

Last week Sunday, I had a bit of spotting and bleeding and completely freaked out. I called in sick on Monday and went to the RE to get an ultrasound. I was certain my baby was gone. However, the ultrasound looked good, and the doctor was quite reassuring. So, I let myself hope again. My next ultrasound is scheduled for Tuesday - and we were hoping to see a heart beat.

This morning, I woke up feeling wet. I ran to the bathroom and completely bloodied the toilet. Went back the bedroom and saw that the bed was completely bloodied. I put a pad on, and soaked through that in 20 minutes. My house looked like a crime scene. I made a somewhat frantic call to the on-call doctor. She advised that with all the bleeding, I needed to get to the ER. I ended up soaking through two more pads by the time I got to the ER. Then - time stood still. It took forever in the treatment room to be seen - but I totally get that we weren't life threatening. Anyway, after 2 hours, I got up to go to the bathroom. I had bled through another hospital strength pad. As I was "going" I felt this huge thing whooshing out of me. I had passed a golf-ball sized clot. I went back to my room, and told my husband that I was certain the baby was gone. A few minutes later they did an ultrasound. To my surprise, the bleeding had stopped and they were able to see the baby on the ultrasound. After an Rh shot (?), I was discharged.

Apparently, I had a subchorionic hematoma. The bleeding completely stopped after I passed the clot. Now, we just sit and wait some more. I have another ultrasound on Tuesday. We will be 7 weeks on Tuesday, and should be far enough along that a heart beat is detectable on ultrasound.

At this point, I have some hope, but am not that optimistic. I'm just trying to stay calm and relax and let myself be pampered. My family is awesome. My husband is waiting on me hand and foot. My mom came over and cleaned up my house while I was in the ER, and my dad took my dog for a long walk as well. Totally helpful.

So, now we wait.