Thursday, July 30, 2009

Day 8 - Let the whining begin

Today will be my 8th day of stims. I am really feeling beaten up at this point. I don't remember feeling so terrible, but then again, maybe I was excited to be progressing. I am exhausted, I feel sore all over, and I'm bloated and uncomfortable. Someone please tell me that I'm not alone in having these symptoms. I'm starting to freak out a bit. My sister recently had 5th Disease. She had really bad joint pain as her main symptom. I hear it's contagious and that if you get it while pregnant, it could be fatal for the fetus. I wasn't around her when she had it, but I don't know how long she was contagious. Dr. Google says that joint pain and muscle aches (which I have) could be a side effect of Follistim.

At my last u/s I had 5 follicles between 10 and 13, and my E2 was 904. I'm trying not to compare to last cycle, but it's hard. Then again, last cycle I had a big fat cyst and that could have messed up my numbers. I'm hoping for a retrieval between August 1st (unlikely) and August 6th.

If this cycle doesn't end successfully, I think I'll need a break. IVF feels just so hard on my body and my mind.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

A question of support

I have been a pretty crappy ICLWer this cycle. My laptop was attached by some virus and was completely fried. My husband finally fixed it today. So, I've been trying to keep up on my comments, but I didn't keep track of how many I was posting, so I'm not sure how much catch-up I need to do.

The reason I signed up for ICLW is that I so appreciate the support that I get from the IF community. It helps to make this bearable.

IRL, I've been pretty open about our If struggles and journey. The reason we've decided to be open is that I don't want to "lie" by omission to my family and friends, and I thought I'd need the support. What I've discovered is that I don't always get what I need. My mom is very supportive, but it feels like the rest of my family and friends are afraid to ask me about it, so they ignore it. All I want is for them to occasionally ask how I'm doing.

Additionally, my SIL is currently pregnant after IVF with ICSI. You'd think that she'd ask, but she doesn't. She's in her own little happy pregnant world and isn't thinking about me at all.

I guess I'm a little bitter. And, to be honest, maybe a bit emotional. I'm heading into the last week of stims and I'm dreading it a bit. I just know that I'm going to get increasingly more uncomfortable.

Ok, off to ICLW comment!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Oh so stimulating

I'm shocked and amazed to find out that after a "normal" interval of Lupron, I'm ready to start stims. Amazing to me after last cycle when I wouldn't reach baseline. Tonight I shot up with 225 of Follistim, and we're looking at retrieval sometime between August 1st and August 6th.

I'm currently enjoying my evening watching an encore of my Chicago White Sox and Mark Buehrle pitch a perfect game. Amazing! It's exciting to watch even though I know the outcome.

A good night...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Getting to know you. Getting to know all about you.

Welcome ICLW ers! This will be an interesting ICLW for me as my computer is broken. Completely fried by a virus I received while reading entertainment news on MSN. Bummer. It is currently in triage while we try to restore it's functionality. So, I'll be ICLWing on my work computer during my break. I'll do my best to keep up with the commenting!

For those of you new to my blog (WELCOME!), I thought I'd start the week by sharing some getting to know you facts about me. Some relevant facts, and some just for fun. So, here goes!

1. My husband and I are dealing with male-factor infertility. Therefore, we jumped right to the top of the heap with IVF with ICSI.

2. Our first attempt at IVF was a big fat failure with 0 (zero, nada, nilch) eggs fertilized.

3. We are about to embark on IVF # 2, assuming that the cysts I've been battling go away and STAY AWAY!!!

4. I am currently shooting up with my friend Lupron. Last night, I gave myself a shot in my thigh, and must have hit the wrong spot as blood started streaming down my leg and I have a huge bruise.

5. Lupron make me SO tired. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

6. I love my husband to death. We've been married for 10 1/2 years and have been through our set of ups and downs but he's still my best friend and biggest supporter.

7. Like a good infertile, I have surrounded myself with animals instead of children. I have a English Mastiff dog, and 3 cats. It's a zoo - filled with animal fur.

8. I love to do crafty stuff, but some of my joy for that has waned during this infertility craze. It's hard to make scrapbooks, and knit and sew when I always planned on doing those things to share a bit of myself with my future children.

9. I need a vacation so bad right now. But, I'm having a hard time justifying the cost. The vacation may just win.

10. My husband and I decided that we need something to focus on, so we're going to try to learn Spanish. Got my audio tapes all ready!

That's the highlights for now. I'd love to learn about you too. So, post a comment with the most interesting fact about you and where you're dying to go on vacation. Looking forward to getting to know everyone during ICLW!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

And, we're off!

I received the "all clear" from my doctor on Tuesday. All the cysts are gone. I started my 10 units of Lupron on Tuesday, and I have my next u/s on July 22nd. If everything goes ok, retrieval will be between the 31st and the 5th. Of course, we know how well this all went last time. I am starting to get excited and feel optimistic again.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

What is the Secret?

I just returned to work today after a lovely 6 days off. I had a good vacation, but today at work, I felt so tired. I feel like those singers and actresses who have "exhaustion." My vacation just wasn't enough, and I think I'm still mentally drained from the infertility and all the stuff I've been dealing with at work and in my personal life.

I've been saving vacations days for when I go on maternity leave, but lately I'm abandoning my glass half full ways. When I really stop and think about it, I just don't think that we'll be successful in having a baby. I just don't believe it will be true, but I'm going through the motions now and hoping for the best. And, at the same time, I am thinking through my consolation prize - recuperating in Paris or on a tropical beach.

Sometimes I do wonder if I'm "jinxing" myself with my pessimistic attitude. Maybe if I believe it; maybe if I make that baby blanket; maybe if I paint the nursery; maybe if I save those vacation days; maybe if I abandon my back-up plan; maybe if I believe that it will happen, it will.

Maybe I will be a mom one day.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Cyst City

I've been on BCPs for 21 days now, and had an appointment with my RE doctor yesterday to check my ovaries prior to moving on to Lupron. Unfortunately, the doctor found several cysts - not huge ones, but nonetheless there - in both my right and left ovary. Interestingly, my left ovary is behind my uterus - that doesn't seem right.

Anyway, the doctor said that I should stay on BCPs for 2 more weeks and come back for another check. We also reviewed my last cycle in a bit more detail and talked about aspirating cysts. He said that there is no definitive research that shows that aspirating the cysts makes a difference, but that he might treat me more aggressively this time.

So, more waiting, and likely no retrieval in July I'm thinking. Next appointment is July 14th.